To think that sons are expected to drop their mothers upon marriage

[CyanPombear]

I am seeking honest advice. Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy? My son is married and is 35 years old and has been married for 2 years now and dated his now wife for 5 years before that and lately he has seen a little down and I call him once maybe twice a week so I am in no way overly involved in his life and I asked him a simple question if he is ok as he seems down lately and I got a text from his wife my DIL telling me she was upset because she felt like by asking my son if he was ok that she couldn't handle taking care of him and that as his wife she feels that's her responsibility to step in if he seems off.

I mean gosh I am still his mother and I am allowed to reach out and ask about my son without his wife being around. It doesn't mean I am undermining the marriage. Or anytime my son they don't have any children comes over his wife ALWAYS comes. As a person I truly like my DIL a lot she absolutely adores my son and he absolutely adores her back but it's like she views him as just her husband and no longer my son.

It's not expected, and your son's relationship doesn't sound normal or healthy.
Your DIL sounds controlling

MIL always played favourites with her children and now with her grandchildren. She also loves a lame duck. If you do the head tilt, are you ok, then it is gear grinding.
MIL made a point of blood being thicker than water many times over the years so I feel I know exactly where I stand.
Tonight I had to remind DH to call his parents three times. FiL had an operation yesterday. DH cares, but cares more about his Saturday pottering around rather than chatting.
I'm glad he's not my son.

DH is close to his Mum and I am too. I would find it weird if she rang him twice a week, though. He probably rings her 2 or 3 times a week but feels weirder when it’s the other way round. My parents don’t tend to ring me either, although I ring them around 3 times per week. I think it’s something about parents giving you space. They just assume we’re busy and let us reach out and call, although in reality they’re at least as busy as we are.

If you’re calling him once or twice a week that seems completely normal to me (albeit would be nice if he would call you half the time!).

I’m mid 30s and my husband speaks to his mum most days. Doesn’t affect me, and to me it’s an attractive trait that he cares about his family and has a close relationship with them, I’ve never felt threatened by it. If he tried to tell me not to speak to my sister or my best friend that would be seen as abuse!

Your DIL’s comment that she’s the only one who can ask him if he’s ok is absolutely weird to me.

Yes, actually, I would.
Different people, different circumstances.
My mother (in another country) is a raging, malignant narcissist.
My husband, who is three decades older, would therefore mean well.

My DH is part of his mum’s life, as am I, and the kids. When we married his family became part of mine too. I’m sorry your DIL doesn’t feel that way.

I don't recognise this at all. I'm very close to my husband's mother and family and they are no less important than my own family and we see them as much as mine and my husband is in regular contact with them. His brother is exactly the same.

Growing up we were very close to my dad's mum and all her sons remained close to her. All the males in my family including cousins who have kids have all remained close to their mums and parents. No one side of parents are less important.

I can't believe DIL text you.

a parent to a son or daughter is on to ask 'are you ok' that's what loving parents do!

Can't help wishing my DH saw a bit less of his mother. However as his sister lives abroad and visits every couple of years, he's the one having to do his 'duty'. Of course I understand him visiting regularly, but annoying when she phones him to go and change a fecking light bulb etc or drive her to a specific shop near her home (2 hours round trip from here) She's quite wealthy so could easily pay for handyman, taxis etc, but why would you if you can guilt trip someone into doing it for nothing? She and I have never got on particularly well and this behaviour doesn't help.

Fair enough. I can see that experience would colour your view. But typically a husband behaving that way to a woman's mother would be considered flag behaviour.

I don’t think ‘daddy’s girls’ are healthy imo either. Both ‘daddy’s girls & mummy’s boys’ beyond early childhood describe enmeshed behaviours and emotional immaturity.

IME I’ve always got on well with my previous partner’s mother’s, still chat to some of them via Facebook etc.

My current mil and I are no contact. My DH isn’t a mummy’s boy, his brother is. She was nasty to me and controlling of DH. I dropped the rope before I cut contact with her, and she was upset by being “shut out”, but it was simply me stopping encouraging DH to contact her, buy gifts, send photos of DC etc etc.

If she had been polite instead of nasty towards me, she would have a much closer relationship with her son. But because she’s not very nice DH isn’t motivated to have much of a relationship with her and I’m no longer going to push him to make an effort with someone who goes out of their way to be nasty toward/ me.

Christ I speak on the phone to my mum once every two/three months. If she phoned me twice a week I’d go mad! But each to their own. I do see and speak to my mil more often and one of her sons phones her pretty much every night despite being married and having a child! Everyone is different.

Your DIL sounds really oversensitive! I wonder how the conversation went between her and your son though.

I have definitely got the impression on here that sons are expected to distance themselves from their parents once they get married. Not my experience at all, my PIL are amazing, we're really close, they have done and do so much to help us out. My MIL has really worked at building her own relationship with me independently of my husband and both PIL treat me like a daughter through actions and words.

I do also think it's a son's responsibility to make sure he stays close to his family. I (and my PIL) would expect my husband to prioritise me and the baby we're expecting, but I'm in no way responsible for his contact with his parents or extended family, remembering birthdays and gifts etc. I also can't imagine texting my MIL in the way your DIL did! Maybe she's having a hard time currently? Not sure on advice exactly but I'd be tempted to reassure her you were just checking on your son, ask if she was okay and offer some practical help if needed. Maybe she'd take that the wrong way too though...

So mother's in law aren't allowed to talk about people their sons knew before they met their partners? Really?

My DH had moved a distance from his home town when he met me. So of course when we visited her my MIL would give him any news about people who'd been part of his life before. It would be ridiculous to see that as deliberately excluding me. Sorry, but you were massively unreasonable.

You seem be blaming dil but how did she know you were asking your ds how he was…. Unless he told her. You have a son problem. He needs to navigate his relationship as an adult son and husband without ever stirring the pot.

He had the call on speaker? Like it seems most people do these days? I hate it.

Is he upset with them in any way? Or is it just lack of effort on his part?

I do understand.

It's jealousy for his attention.

That's why I've seen a lot of MIL's and DIL's clash.

To be fair, I go weeks and weeks without contacting my dad. He's just not on my radar; no fall outsot anything. Dh doesn't have any family at all, so I guess we don't really think about it. Ithink about family from time to time, but only in passing. Which is why I won't be able to complain if ds doesn't pay us much mind when he leaves home.

I know this always sounds trite when it's said like this. The person receiving it doesn't see it the same way.

When my colleague's mother died, and I was complaining about something my mother did to me, my colleague said it to me.

But jesus i would give ANYTHING to have a dad. My dad has passed away. It's my dearest wish

I agree with you. Parents are so important and should never be cast aside or downgraded, it's awful to see. And partners who seem to think they're of the highest importance always and their partner's parents should be treated as an inconvenience are something else 🤢

This is awful!! They should be ashamed. If they have partners then why are they letting this happen also.

Not unreasonable to expect to have a relationship with your son, or to have time with just him. Especially as you seem to be very understanding of the fact he has a wife and likely less time etc now. He's still your son. I think it's great you are reaching out to him, and it's a little concerning the wife's reaction - why is it solely her job to care for him? Can't he have a circle bigger than her?

And this coming from me, a DIL who is hated by her MIL to the point of no contact.

Wow