To think that sons are expected to drop their mothers upon marriage

[CyanPombear]

I am seeking honest advice. Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy? My son is married and is 35 years old and has been married for 2 years now and dated his now wife for 5 years before that and lately he has seen a little down and I call him once maybe twice a week so I am in no way overly involved in his life and I asked him a simple question if he is ok as he seems down lately and I got a text from his wife my DIL telling me she was upset because she felt like by asking my son if he was ok that she couldn't handle taking care of him and that as his wife she feels that's her responsibility to step in if he seems off.

I mean gosh I am still his mother and I am allowed to reach out and ask about my son without his wife being around. It doesn't mean I am undermining the marriage. Or anytime my son they don't have any children comes over his wife ALWAYS comes. As a person I truly like my DIL a lot she absolutely adores my son and he absolutely adores her back but it's like she views him as just her husband and no longer my son.

Exactly and I think that’s the issue

This is similar to my Mum. If she hadn't pushed my Dad to contact his parents he wouldn't have bothered. After they divorced my Mum still talked to her ex in-laws more than him by far!

I think a lot of men are rubbish at keeping in touch in general and it's nothing to do with their wives.

Having said that, some MILs are interfering and can't let go, and some DILs are controlling or insecure 🤷

This. She sounds as if she could be jealous/threatened by the fact that a mother loves her son enough to ask how he is if he seems down. She sounds a tad unhinged

My DH calls his mum multiple times a week and fair enough. I’ll give her a quick call on a Sunday.

I see her more than my own mum!

@CyanPombear that‘s such a shame that she wrote that message. He is your son and you are entitled to worry about him and care. Good grief what is the world coming to that marriage means cutting your mother off!!

She sounds like she could be a bit controlling but hard to say from this brief info. What did he say when you asked if he’s ok?

I dated someone I'd say was a Mummy's boy. I wouldn't have called him that if he'd had a normal, loving, considerate relationship with her - that would have been lovely.

She was an emotionally abusive and controlling witch who used open threats to make him do what she wanted if necessary. Threatening to cut him off. Blaming him for making her ill. It was she who viewed herself as in competition with her son's girlfriends. At the end of the day he was unable to prioritise his wife over his very disturbed relationship with his mother. It was really really sad.

What century are we in? Is your reply a joke?

No, that’s not normal.

what’s normal is a man still enjoying a relationship with his mum where they get to see or speak to each other, where he can turn to her if he needs to and where he is considerate to her.

it’s not normal to either drop your mum completely or to still be tied to her apron strings! It should be balanced.

I have a close relationship with my mum, and expect my partner to also have one with his mum. I don't care if they meet alone or speak on the phone.

I think your Daughter in law just feels jealous

Of course he’s still your son. Sad but true in this day and age - he could have more than one wife but only ever one mum. You’ll always be exceptionally special. I think asking how he is as you did is very normal. Bear in mind though that your DIL must come first on a day to day basis. They have responsibilities together and to each other that don’t concern you. If perhaps your son is feeling ‘down’ about these matters it’s a very very difficult area for you to intervene in. They really do need to deal with all such matters together and on an equal footing. You can ask about health, work, social things but don’t ask about anything relating to what’s going on in the marriage. This is too personal. That is always a red rag to DILs. You’d feel the same in her position. The fact that she’s reacted so strongly, points to his mood being quite possibly something that’s connected to things within the marriage. You should probably just reiterate ‘I’m always here for you son’ and offer to help and support them both in any way you can. But don’t ask any specific questions at all. It is not your business. He is but they aren’t if you see what I mean. All marriages have ups and downs. It’s perfectly normal.

Backstory needed really. More often than not if a mil is welcoming and loving towards their dil contact is regular, perhaps even prompted by dil, let’s be honest most men are rubbish at it. I used to encourage my partner to call and see his mum regularly. However after years of sniping and commenting on my weight etc I’m not encouraging it anymore. That’s all on him to figure out. I rarely even see my mil. Make sure you aren’t overstepping is all I’m saying.

Probably because the vast majority of MIL's are totally bat shit crazy. I read so many horror stories about MN's monster-in-laws & most guys I've dated have had an overbearing mother who can't seem to let him go. It seems to be primarily mothers with sons rather than mothers with daughters, it's almost like they can't bare to imagine he could love another woman that isn't her.

So you're telling every mother of sons on this forum, that they are/will be batshit crazy?

Seriously, think about it. All of us mums on this site start out the same. So what do you think it is that changes the majority of them (in your opinion)?
Hint: it's unlikely to be all about their sons.

When I was pregnant, I didn't have any preference for the sex of my babies. But now that my babies are adults with partners, I'm extraordinarily grateful that they're female.

Wife and kids come first, but there’s no way mothers should be dropped completely. Most wives will keep contact with their own mothers, want them for support with pregnancy, children, to be granny babysitting and part of extended family. So sons can keep in touch with their parents. It’s not undermining anyone to have extended family. So long as MiLs keep in mind there are boundaries, wives should expect contact. Just as they will want their own children to keep contact once they are the MiL and not be thrown away.

'that‘s such a shame that she wrote that message. He is your son and you are entitled to worry about him and care. Good grief what is the world coming to that marriage means cutting your mother off!!' @CyanPombear Yes, exactly... so sad, quoted from earlier post

I think you are unreasonable to make such a generalisation as your situation isn’t normal.

like a previous poster said, I’ve always been around when DH saw his parents as if left to him he would never see them. I now see my MIL more than DH and do an awful lot for her.

people do have different relationships with their parents. My DM lives abroad and hardly ever contacts us. I’ve tried but she doesn’t return messages and will often go 4-6 weeks without contact.

i hope my kids have a better relationship with me and their dad when they move out but I also recognise they will have their own lives and families too.

DH rings his mum for advice or just to check in quite often. Pops in to see her on the way to work. I wouldn’t expect any different! Equally my DB has a close relationship with DM and DSIL is happy with that. I really don’t understand why any woman wouldn’t want their DH to have a good relationship with his mum? It’s no threat to their marriage!

DH saw his mum most days when she was alive and he still sees his dad just as much/

Personally I think if your grown child doesn't bother with you, you probably need to look closer to home.

You are not BU. Just because he has a Wife doesn't mean you stop caring for him. If he seems down then you're bound to ask if he's ok. Why would his Wife be bothered by this? Tell her you're not trying to undermine her in any way at all but you care for your Son & always will & will speak up & support him if you feel he's not doing too well or seems down.

Firstly it seems odd that you son chose her impart that information to his wife that you had queried his well-being as he seemed upset. My second thought is that his wife feels indirectly that you are blaming her for his current situation and state of mind and is being defensive as a result of that. Clearly she is not right but it makes me think that the conclusion she has jumped to so quickly means that she also feels that perhaps she is the cause of his down heartedness which would make me question if everything is okay in their marriage. Of course you are not overstepping. You are his mother and contacting him a couple of times a week is absolutely fine in my view. Perhaps it might be an idea to try and meet him for a coffee when she is not around so that you can have a more frank conversation? I wish you all the best

Yes, this thought occurred to me too. Of course mothers will be there for their adult children, sons and daughters. If it had been a mum asking her daughter on the phone if she was ok I wonder if said daughter's male partner, or even her female partner, would rush to send such a text. 🤔 It seems that daughters are allowed to keep in close contact with their mums but if sons do so, even if not feeling particularly down, it can be seen as strange or Mummy's boy-ish 🤷 I feel relieved if men, and women, I know are close to their families, seems kind of nice, 'normal', loving.

I have 3 adult sons, all very much part of my life. My eldest is married, living abroad in a different continent, and we call and chat very week. Sometimes he calls and other times we do to simply say hello and wha's happening.

The 2 youngest ones more often than not are here with their partners on Friday evenings for dinner until Saturday lunch. We don't expect them to be here but they keep turning up.

Look, having sons or daughters means nothing to the relationship you've established with your children as adults.

Absolutely agree!

There has to be more to this. Like did you push a boundary in the past? Do you only ever ask after your son’s well being while overlooking your DIL? Maybe she is hurt about that and doesn’t know how to express that hurt. Not excusing her off putting text but sometimes even adults don’t always know how to properly express their hurt feelings so it comes out in the form of lashing out at the person instead.

What was the point of bumping this zombie thread?