To think that sons are expected to drop their mothers upon marriage

[CyanPombear]

I am seeking honest advice. Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy? My son is married and is 35 years old and has been married for 2 years now and dated his now wife for 5 years before that and lately he has seen a little down and I call him once maybe twice a week so I am in no way overly involved in his life and I asked him a simple question if he is ok as he seems down lately and I got a text from his wife my DIL telling me she was upset because she felt like by asking my son if he was ok that she couldn't handle taking care of him and that as his wife she feels that's her responsibility to step in if he seems off.

I mean gosh I am still his mother and I am allowed to reach out and ask about my son without his wife being around. It doesn't mean I am undermining the marriage. Or anytime my son they don't have any children comes over his wife ALWAYS comes. As a person I truly like my DIL a lot she absolutely adores my son and he absolutely adores her back but it's like she views him as just her husband and no longer my son.

This.

Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy?

He isn't. That is why I said YABU.

Wow I must say I am very pleasantly surprised to see that 13 people think I'm not being unreasonable.

I suspect we are answering different questions.

The DiL (without any backstory) is being ridiculous and is clearly unhinged (as I say, this response seems unhinged without a backstory).

It's a sexist notion. Women can be daddy's girls, and that's 100% fine. Mummy's boys are seen as abhorrent.

For me, it's because women genuinely do have good intuition. I think many women are afraid they'll be sussed out by his protective mother. Better to eliminate the threat. It's a manipulation thing.

Not the case in my family.

Im 53 and up till my Mil died 6 yeas ago was a huge part of my life. I had my mam and he had his. Would never take offence if she asked him anything, and he was always popping into her. In fairness she was a lovely woman. Drives me mad when women get jealous of their mother in law, silly carry on. I know what my husband would have said if i texted his mother like that. Yanbu

Best answer yet!!

Seriously? Cut the apron strings? She asked her son if he was ok, what on earth is wrong with that?

If I felt that my son seemed down I would be checking in too!

I think the dil is out of order here, yes his own family should come first, but you don't stop worrying about your children because they are adults.

I would never react like that if my MIL asked her son if he was ok. She’s his mother. I had a great relationship with my own Mum and chatted to her about all sorts. I can’t see why my DH would be different with his own mum.

My mum was really upset when my bill’s wife declared that bil was part of their family now.

Phoning once or twice is perfectly fine. Your dil obviously thought she was being criticised when she wasn’t.

Not my experience. I am still very close to all of mine ages 34, 37, 38) and am also close you their wives. As are my friends with married sons.
It used to be a thing, years ago, but I wouldn't say it was now?

Your title implies that your particular experience is the norm. I think a number of posters on here are telling you that what your experience of your son is just that, your experience, not the universal norm. And I agree with posters who have not experienced their sons doing what you feel your son is doing.

He's not expected to cut you off.
He's expected to live his own life and put his wife/family first.
🙄

DH drops in on his parents most days for a few minutes.

But it’s hardly an either/or situation. I swear some people on Mn seem to struggle with having insufficient bandwidth for more than one relationship. It really isn’t hard to find space for multiple people in your life unless you’re incredibly low-energy.

It’s also possible the marriage is in trouble, if the OP has noticed her DS is unhappy. His wife’s snippiness suggests this might be the case.

When I met dh I was looking forward to being a part of their family. I soon realised I wasn't going to be. I tried for years. Organised meet ups cooked meals. Kept them updated on what we were up to.
I got sick of the passive aggressive comments and digs. Eventually I took a step back and left dh to dictate what our relationship looked like. Turns out without my input we see them and speak to them roughly half the time we did before.

If they had been willing I would have loved a close relationship.

But I would never interfere with dh relationship with them.

I do agree tho if mil asked dh if he was ok i wouldn't be offended

Ds is 15 and he's already detaching from us! He's nd though and whilst unable to do basic things, feels fully ready to leave home and live by himself. We, his parents, know nothing and are a gigantic bore.
It's like parenting myself, 30 years ago.

If, by some miracle, he ends up with a partner, I suspect I'll have more to do with them than him.

Maybe women are more bothered about keeping in touch with their mums than men are?

My husband phones his mum once a week & it's a chore.

When we met up she would often talk about people from his past who I didn't know & it sometimes felt as if she was trying to exclude me.

If she then was saying that she knew he was "down" & the inference was that I didn't it might feel like quite a dig.

Men get abused in relationships too. If DIL is reacting to a mother asking her son if he's OK with a text like that, mum shouldn't be yielding to the wife. Just because a son gets married his mother doesn't automatically stop caring.

Reverse the roles - mum asks if her daughter is OK because she seems down and her husband sent a text saying the same thing this DIL did, everyone would be shouting Red flag!

I think its because despite it being 2024, some women still think they need to nurture and care for their husbands and see his mother as their rival in this. Any gestures of motherly concern (of the sort that would be par for the course with an adult daughter) regular calls, asking after their wellbeing is seen as treading on the toes of the woman who's job it now is to look after him. Alongside this, is the division of company and passtime on the basis of sex, which persists. This means anything he does or agrees to that a woman may enjoy, lunches, shopping, trips out, should only be done alone with the woman who is his wife and if he does them instead alone with his mother they are 'weird' and 'unhealthy'. Again very different from a mother who does things alone with her daughter, which is completely acceptable.

I actually found that my MIL dropped my poor DH as soon as he got married, as if he was someone else's problem now. Never bothers to check in on him, never comes to see her DGC etc. We tried for years but have given up

Based on families I know:

1. if the adult children are male and female then the sons leave it to the daughters to have a close relationship with the parents

2. if the adult children are all sons or all daughters then they're either all close to the parents or one leaves it to the other. I don't know anyone with two boys where neither boy is close as an adult

Just my experience.

And the men I know that don't have siblings are close to their parents.

I had my auntie on the phone last night upset that both her sons seem to have dropped her like a brick since their dad died a few years ago. She's left alone for Xmas etc and all their plans never consider her. Maybe there is more to it than I see but it sounds so upsetting.

If your mum asked if you were OK and your husband fired off a text telling her not to ask you because it was his job to look after you, would you 'put your husband first'? Or would you tell him to stop being so rude and controlling, and your private conversations with your mum were not his concern?

Your son's wife will put her first , that's how it is and how it should be. You are his mum but the dynamics of a mother son relationship seem to change when he gets married. This doesn't mean that you love each other any less

I meant your son will put his wife first

Not my experience in our family. My DH is one of two sons, both married 30ish years with children. Neither of them have "dropped" their parents, not at all.