To think that sons are expected to drop their mothers upon marriage

[CyanPombear]

I am seeking honest advice. Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy? My son is married and is 35 years old and has been married for 2 years now and dated his now wife for 5 years before that and lately he has seen a little down and I call him once maybe twice a week so I am in no way overly involved in his life and I asked him a simple question if he is ok as he seems down lately and I got a text from his wife my DIL telling me she was upset because she felt like by asking my son if he was ok that she couldn't handle taking care of him and that as his wife she feels that's her responsibility to step in if he seems off.

I mean gosh I am still his mother and I am allowed to reach out and ask about my son without his wife being around. It doesn't mean I am undermining the marriage. Or anytime my son they don't have any children comes over his wife ALWAYS comes. As a person I truly like my DIL a lot she absolutely adores my son and he absolutely adores her back but it's like she views him as just her husband and no longer my son.

Oh wait. It's you again with the MIL troubles isn't it? Still can't figure why you bumped this.

It isn’t expected? I know many many men still very close to their families - my husband, my brother, my brother in law, many friends’ husbands, and my Dad and uncles all were too. It’s far far far from a universal experience. You make the decision as to what type of man and what type of family you marry into.

Erm yeah, you have a DIL problem. When my brother is down etc, my SIL is the first to text my mum and talk to her about it etc.

Oh, zombie thread.

I don't think it's right for you to generalise. Ive never experienced this. My DH has a close relationship with his mum, he talks to her more than I talk to mine. I wouldn't try to reduce their relationship, I expect if I tried my DH would not stand for it.
My brother and BIL are still close to their mums, I see the same with friends and seen it with my paternal gran. This is specific to you, you're DIL does seem a bit bonkers thinking you shouldn't be able to check in on your son. Maybe she is controlling.

To be fair every time something comes up about dil mil relations lots do say mil should step back and oh loyalty should be to the new family

I mean to a degree they aren’t wrong. When you get married priorities shift and you are creating your own immediate family which now becomes your wife and any kids you might have together. They take priority. But nonetheless in the OP’s case her DIL reaching out to her about her texting her son asking a simple question if he is ok is out of line on the part of the DIL. Unless the OP is leaving some background story out or a part out where she tried to ask prying questions about her son’s marriage. Also curious if she ever ask about her DIL if she seems stressed or down

I'm not aware of this - but I do wish my DH were a little less involved in his mother's life. Good that he is a nice person, but she takes advantage while his sister gets away with doing nothing as she knows DH will be called on first.

DH hasn’t cut his mother out of his life nor do I expect him to. He sees his parents less than mine because they live further away but they have phone calls and regular visits.

ZOMBIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

@OneFirmBlueShaker why did you bump this up? It's not been posted on for a year and a half. When you went to post on it, there would have been a message telling you that!

Hmmm

i haven’t voted because I don’t think it’s possible to quite judge.

I don’t think your DIL needed to get defensive about an innocent question like how are you doing, you seem a bit down? I wouldn’t take any offence for my DH, although it’s not the type of thing my PIL would really ask - they are not very emotionally attuned and my husband is not prone to big highs and lows, so it would have to be quite extreme.

however, given your complaint about your DIL always coming to visit and your hyperbole and generalisation about DILs, you also seem a bit over sensitive about her position and it’s maybe the case that DIL is getting a particular vibe from you that she is reacting to. It’s not necessarily about how much you see or soak to your son that is the basis of an overly involved mother (of course, there are obviously limits even in a close family), but how you treat your son and DIL when you see them….

My MIL used to say and do some quite dreadful things to me for a while when I was the gf, then the wife and when I had one small baby (she would I am sure deny these things, but car journeys home revolved around my husband apologising to me - he knew he should have stuck up for me but finds conflict very hard), but power shifts a bit when you have a young family and both parents have less time for nonsense to keep the peace and I stopped being treated like the interloper. I’m not saying that’s you, by the way, just that it’s always helpful to think about things from the opposite position.

Is this a mumsnet thing? I adored my
MIL and she adored my children and provided a lovely safe space for them. Dh obv was close to her as well. And it says a lot for your partner if they care for their parents. I really don’t get this

Yes, that’s the part that’s giving me pause too that makes me think there is something more sinister going on then simply OP asking an innocent how are you question to her son because it’s pretty standard practice when visiting family partners especially married ones usually come together as a social unit. It reads like she resents that her DIL is in the picture and I think it would be quite rude to invite her son and tell him his wife isn’t welcome.

You are his mum of course you can ask him how he is. I think it is very strange of her to message you that, but I have to say its also quite odd that he told her about your conversation. Is there any further background? What has the dynamic been so far?
Everyone is different but I would never tell my husband how much he should see/ talk to his own mum. If anything I actively encourage him to give her a call or invite her to visit/ take the kids up to see her. I do know women who have a bad relationship with their MIL but I have to say I really couldnt be bothered to get into a family fued myself- I dont have the energy!

They are married why would it be strange to share this with his own wife?? I would find it weirder if my husband didn’t tell me this and I would be hurt

Zombie Thread Alert 🙄🙄🙄

DH probably speaks to his mum more than I speak to my mum. He speaks to his mum everyday whereas I normally ring mine every 2-3 days (or she’ll call me) Nothing wrong with our relationship, I love her to bits. It’s just how our relationship is 🤷‍♀️

The thread started a year and a half ago so doubt the OP still wants answers…

it's a stereotype and depends on the son.

Many sons are close to their mum's. Why not

Sorry but your child is now an adult and you have to let him go however painful it might be.

Leave them alone. You sound intense. Back off and wait for them. There is a lot you're not telling.

Oops