Difficult situation with sister and nephew

[Sunshineandalltherainbows]

I feel really bad even writing this but I am finding my 4 year old nephew absolutely impossible to be around. His behaviour is poor. My sister must be struggling, says she isn't and it's all normal boy behaviour bit it's not. She often will say he's only 4. When he was she used to say he's only 3.

It's having a huge impact on my family's relationship with her.

For example, it was my son's birthday (who has asd) and we were all eating birthday cake round my parents. My nephew grabbed my son's cake of his plate put it in his mouth and then spat it out on my son's plate. I said that's disgusting don't ever do that again. My son was in tears about it as he hates any form of contamination if his stuff. My sister then said I was wrong to say anything to nephew as he's only 4 and it was only a problem because my son's autism. I'm not being funny but anyone regards of needs would have been bothered about that happening to their food.

We've now been asked about Christmas plans and I just don't want to be around my sister and nephew. He constantly breaks things on purpose and laughs, hits everyone, shouts and screams when told no by parents as my sister never says no.

My parents are struggling too as they don't like their things getting broken.

If I ever mention anything to my sister about his behaviour she becomes extremely defensive but I just can't stand their company at the moment and I feel terrible for saying that. Not sure what to do further but limiting contact seems for the best at the moment.

She’ll get a shock when he starts school. Does she want to be the parent of ‘that’ kid??

You’re not wrong, does she not parent her child at all? What did she actually do when he did that with the cake? Four is absolutely old enough to be told no we do not grab other people’s food!

Grabbing the cake and spitting it out on your sons plate and breaking possessions is objectively bad behaviour, regardless of your son's asd.
Are your parents able to speak to her?
She might be able to make excuses when it comes to your objections but what can she say against your parents??

It depends on how open and honest things are with your DSis but I would perhaps take DSis for coffee (on her own) and be honest:

'DSis, please let us help. You and DN are struggling. There might be underlying problems causing this behaviour, but you need to provide him with boundaries and no excuses. We can do this together.'

If she refuses then you'll have to step back.

Yes my parents have spoken to my sister about putting boundaries in as school will be difficult for him. He punched a pre school worker in the summer and she was dismissive of that saying he's only 3 he wouldn't have meant it.

She just said he's only 4 and told me off for saying anything rather than anything to her son. He then turned and smiled at me. He does this often when he knows he's done something bad and his mum has his back when other family members have tried to say no or don't do that to him.

My children and husband sigh if they hear he will be at my parents. They are pretty much always round there. We have started to invite them here instead and do events separately whereas we used to do everything together but we had too many days ruined by nephew being so badly behaved and my sister doing nothing.

Is he at school yet? If he attends nursery by 4 he should know how to behave around other people's food!
Sounds like your sister isn't coping but if she doesn't address things soon he's not going to be invited anywhere.

Regarding Christmas, honestly I'd be doing something else this year. Going to your in laws, going away to a cottage just your family for as few days, having Christmas at home just yourselves as that's best for your son etc.

Following because I have a very similar situation with my SIL and her 4 yr old DS! Very very much the same sort of thing (but she doesn't have a sister so can't be the same person). Her DS does the most ridiculous stuff, like run up to women he doesn't know in shops and jump up to touch their boobs while laughing like a maniac, or pull down his trousers and poo in the playground, and throw his plate on the floor when he doesn't like the food...and all she says is "oh he's being a right little munchkin at the moment hahahaha". My kids are older but even so I'm sure I wasn't that wet when they were 4!

You are right. That isn't normal.

Feel sorry for the kid (he won't have an easy life or have many friends with behaviours like these) and avoid your sister as much as possible.

She either doesn't want to hear it, or is not ready to.

If she ever gets her head out of her ass , you can extend an olive branch and rebuild the relationship then.

What about your nephew's father? Is he around? Does he parent?

At age 4, the cake incident is really bad behaviour. Even at 3. I’d distance myself as it sounds unlikely that your sister will be receptive to advice. It sounds very difficult for your parents too. Hopefully when he starts school he’ll become more socialised.

We've now been asked about Christmas plans

By who?

Talk to your husband and kids and decide what you want to do. It might be easier to see your in laws or just be home alone.

You could invite just your parents to you but make it clear she’s not invited.

What normally happens at Xmas?

I would definitely star to plan your own Christmas at home. You need to show your own children and your own husband that they aren't at the bottom of the pile. It doesn't need to be a dramatic thing.

She does need help but you are in danger of destroying your relationship with her. It may be that you are not the person to do this. Or it may be too soon and she hasn't reached the point where she is going to do something about it.

For a start I would start only seeing her outside or in play centres etc. Not at home.

I feel really sorry for your nephew, sounds like a troubled little boy who needs help!

Plan your own Christmas with your family. If there is pressure to all come together make sure it's brief and not at your home.

Your sister is setting your nephew up for a very big fall. He will struggle to make friends at school, as other children won't want to play with a child who can be nasty, constantly wants their own way and throws tantrums. It's entirely possible your nephew could be on the spectrum but equally his behaviour may be simply due to poor parenting. As for what you can do? Unfortunately, not much. Your concerns have fallen on deaf ears, and your sister is making excuses for her son's behaviour. All you can do is avoid your sister and nephew as much as possible. At some point the school (when he starts) will raise issues of poor behaviour. Teaching staff won't put up with it and your sister will find she's constantly receiving phone calls or spoken to when collecting him. Of course she could be one of those parents, who's child is never at fault.. it's other children's, the schools or teachers fault...but never their child or God forbid the parents!!

I would avoid them! If it means spending Christmas with just your very immediate family, then that is a consequence of his behaviour and your sister will have to deal with it.
He will be that child in school that staff say ‘never heard the word no before’. So sad for him.

Is his dad around? There's obviously more going on than just his age. I doubt you'll be able to have your parents over for Christmas without your sister so I'd say to everyone you want a quiet time alone.

Yes I think it is going to have to be a wait until she's ready to do something. I have spoken to her before but she just gets super defensive. Her relationship with my dad isn't as good as it was because she says he's always telling my nephew off and it upsets him. My dad and mum are now arguing because my mum wants peace but my dad just doesn't let really bad behaviour go he's bot a shouty person but he will confiscate items from him or take him out on a reluctant walk rather than doing what he wants when he's round there.

My children are junior and start of secondary so my sister thinks I've forgotten ehat it's like to parent little ones.

We don't ever invite them over anymore I didn't make an announcement but just won't have them round as nephew broke my son's guitar before we could move it out of the way and just don't want our stuff broken and launched.

I think maybe I will suggest a light walk or something like that and just stay at home at Christmas and see inlaws and my parents separately.

Dad is around but works a lot. He unhelpfully finds his behaviour hilarious and has taught him to say I will punch your lights out and other such things.

That is one of the problems I have to secretly plan things with my parents because she is always round there and i mean all the time and expects to be invites to everything.

Unfortunately I can see your nephew going to jail if his dad and mum don't stop this

Could you invite your parents to your house for Christmas and not extend the invitation to your sister? Sounds like your parents would also enjoy a peaceful Christmas.

I think if I invited my parents round only it would cause too much friction and drama. Every year we have always gone round my parents for Christmas Dinner and we go round my in laws for boxing day and 27th.

My sister also always is there on boxing day and they have their own traditions they do on that day so also feel like boxing day is off limits without drama.

I'm thinking maybe a Christmas breakfast round our house and then spend the rest of the day at ours in peace. I just don't want the day ruined. Last Christmas it was difficult but as he was a year younger I hoped things would improve but they've just got a whole lot worse. My children are sick of having to give in to everything because they're older even if they are not the ones doing the wrong thing.

I'd be honest with her and say that until nephew's behaviour and attitude has been guided onto an acceptable pathway, you will no longer allow him in your home.

You work hard for everything you have, and are not prepared to allow all that to be destroyed by a child who hasn't been taught to respect other people's things.

You're criticising HER and her parenting, not her precious munchkin. She's right - he's 4. It's his parents job to guide him through life and currently, they're taking him down the road to a miserable and lonely school life. He'll be shunned by his peers and disliked by his teachers.

A spirited child is great, but they deserve a navigator to get them through tricky passages. His parents are failing him.

Sounds like your sister should host christmas breakfast this year. You can then scarper early.

Don't have her round for a Christmas breakfast. She's got her own husband and her own child to,spend Christmas with, it's not like she's alone.

Just say you are having Christmas at home. If your in laws want to invite her first Boxing Day that's up to them but I wouldn't make my own children go if they didn't want to. I just don't see why they should have to put up with this.