Difficult situation with sister and nephew

[Sunshineandalltherainbows]

I feel really bad even writing this but I am finding my 4 year old nephew absolutely impossible to be around. His behaviour is poor. My sister must be struggling, says she isn't and it's all normal boy behaviour bit it's not. She often will say he's only 4. When he was she used to say he's only 3.

It's having a huge impact on my family's relationship with her.

For example, it was my son's birthday (who has asd) and we were all eating birthday cake round my parents. My nephew grabbed my son's cake of his plate put it in his mouth and then spat it out on my son's plate. I said that's disgusting don't ever do that again. My son was in tears about it as he hates any form of contamination if his stuff. My sister then said I was wrong to say anything to nephew as he's only 4 and it was only a problem because my son's autism. I'm not being funny but anyone regards of needs would have been bothered about that happening to their food.

We've now been asked about Christmas plans and I just don't want to be around my sister and nephew. He constantly breaks things on purpose and laughs, hits everyone, shouts and screams when told no by parents as my sister never says no.

My parents are struggling too as they don't like their things getting broken.

If I ever mention anything to my sister about his behaviour she becomes extremely defensive but I just can't stand their company at the moment and I feel terrible for saying that. Not sure what to do further but limiting contact seems for the best at the moment.

I would somehow tell my sister that, if she doesn't sort out his behaviour, her son will really suffer because no school parents will invite him round.

My son brought a friend home who was so badly behaved and damaged things. He was NEVER allowed back!

He’s got to be be 10 and she’ll still be saying “oh he’s only 10”

children need boundaries and guidance .

i work in early years and have came across many parents with the same attitude “oh they are only 3” they forget here 3 year olds grow up and are wild due to no guidance.

Tbh it would put me off wanting to spend time with them, in fact we have the same issue in our family, we don’t spend time voluntarily with this child due to behaviour and lack of listening skills. There is always an excuse as to why they act this way.

I meant Christmas breakfast just my mum and dad on the hush just so kids can see grandparents and my mum and dad would be sad not to see is. I just can't do dinner or any evening activities. My husband and children only want to spend limited time with them as they are finding my sister really difficult to be around as well.
I also am worried as one of my children has started to say oh I'm only 10 in a joking way when told to swap seats or give tv remote to nephew and my sister gets angry.

Oh my God- what a dick!

I came on to suggest that your nephew could possibly have ADHD and that might be useful to consider when discussing this with your sister (my youngest was about 4 when discussions began to take place: her sister has ASD and they are linked).

Regardless if that, it really sounds like his Dad is part of the problem and your sister is overwhelmed and in denial about his behaviour. I'm absolutely Team your Dad by the way- even if there are additional needs at play, they are not a get out of jail free card.

Your 10 year old has a very good point. Your sister had best get used to people having very good points if she's not prepared to put in some work with her kid.

I don't know why you don't think your sister isnt coping @Sunshineandalltherainbows , it sounds to me like she's doing just fine. She's being a lazy parent, she thinks her son's behaviour is fine and she just doesn't care how it affects you, your son or anyone else.

Best thing to do is minimise contact and certainly don't celebrate Christmas or birthdays with them.

If it's any consolation I've known several children with parents like this and they almost all turned out fine in the end. The world tends to step in when parents won't. Just give it another 14 years or so.

I also am worried as one of my children has started to say oh I'm only 10 in a joking way when told to swap seats or give tv remote to nephew and my sister gets angry.

Well he or she sounds great! 😂 You will have a lovely Christmas with this sparky child.

Don't fuck up your own Christmas. Your mother panders to her, she panders to her son.

Just do your own thing.

Out of curiosity, how come she never hosts/have you over?

The situation obviously isn’t good, but I would grit my teeth and keep them just at arm’s length for the next year, just until your nephew starts school. Your sister will rapidly be learning some home truths from then on and hopefully things will begin to change.

It’s poor parenting from your sister but it sounds as if home life must be horrible with a very unsupportive husband.

Yes, this is so funny! 😁I wouldn't discourage it too much, in fact I think your whole family should start refusing to do stuff and saying I'm only 40 - or whatever.

How very aggravating indeed...and I feel sorry for the lad. He's not being guided well.
That dad teaches him to say "I'll punch your lights out" and laughs at his behaviour is telling.
Is your sister dominated by him or is she equally as tasteless?

Why is everyone so afraid of her? What is she going to do? Not see you anymore? Oh well... that's what you want , isn't it?

Odds are, the reason she's always around and wants to be invited to everything is so that she gets a break and someone else's things get broken and house destroyed while entertaining her kid. I honestly doubt she'd cut herself off from that even if you all became firmer and started imposing some boundaries. And if she tantrums..? Let her tantrum.

Don't host anything , have Christmas by yourself with your own family and enjoy a relaxed day . I'd be avoiding any visits with them

I would do that have Christmas breakfast with parents and rest of the day on your own. Vote with your feet. If she asks say you've decided to do your own thing until dnephee can be more respectful (he needs to learn some manners or he is in danger of becoming a future Tory leader)

I would word it in a way of not saying how bad nephew is but that you find her choices of what's acceptable ruining your enjoyment.

So "Dsis. We have decided to cut back on meetings with you and nephew. Whilst you are absolutely entitled to raise your child how you want and believe it's normal for 4yos to hurts others, break things and steal people food. This is not something my family find tolerable. So we will continue to meet up with others who's children don't behave this way"

I also am worried as one of my children has started to say oh I'm only 10 in a joking way when told to swap seats or give tv remote to nephew and my sister gets angry.

Maybe you should all follow his lead. When her son takes stuff, take it straight back. If she objects, say "I'm only 33". If she wants someone to swap seats with her son, refuse using the same excuse. If she gets cross about it, point out that in her eyes the age excuse seems to work regardless of her son's age, so it must apply to all ages.

My husband says this all the time. As whenever we pop round to my parents she is there. I think she doesn't like being at home on her own as whatever she says it must be hard work and her husband works very long hours.

They both think a lot of his behavioir is really funny and will video it and share it. I just don't find it funny.

Hopefully when he starts school next year things will improve.

“He’s got to be be 10 and she’ll still be saying “oh he’s only 10””

This. I can remember 20 years ago, one of mine doing something a bit naughty/cute when they were little in the high hair at the dinner table. I laughed, but then someone else pointed out will it be cute when they are 5, 10, 15, 25! Manners really do cost nothing and the earlier you start the better.

It’s sounds like your sister is in denial, maybe a Christmas apart is what it will take to open her eyes. Would taking your parents to your in-laws be an option?

id have breakfast with your parents and if sister asks why she’s not invited I’d be honest and say you want a calm breakfast wih your children and their grandparents without her child’s behaviour and her attitude spoiling it.

Your poor nephew. The issue sounds like it is his parents. However you won't get anywhere by trying to reprimand him unless you build a relationship with him first.

I would suggest really getting to know him and getting him to like you by playing with him, talking to him and thinking of activities to do with him. Then you can try to put in boundaries in a very gentle way usung techniques like distraction to start with. It isn't very kind to spit out cake is it, come on DN , lets go into the kitchen and finish it there.

I had a few issues with a relative's child that may have been similar though not as bad. Didn't listen to me. Clearly didn't like me. Wouldn't do what I said. Quite permissive parents. I watched him with another relative that worked with young kids as a job and he was putty in her hands rushing over to show her his trains and hug her etc. So I learnt from that and instead of showing up to the restaurant worried he'd be screaming (pre phone and tablet days) I turned up with a colouring book and a big smile.

Obviously this may impossibile if you have children of your own but there might be other people in your family who could take that role. Basically getting to know DN and trying to model good parenting techniques.

Otherwise I guess you will have to put your own children first and avoid them or maybe just do lots of outdoor stuff.

Dont think there is any point hiding this from your sister. She will find out eventually and it will cause more friction.

Invite your parents openly, she will already know why she is not invited. If she does actually complain say your kids are sick of their stuff being broken and nobody enjoys the day anymore. Its not like your keeping the parents the whole day.

No...

He won't last long at school using phrases like that. Maybe you should ask her whether she is going to get his behaviour improved or if she is planning to homeschool and teach him herself?

Sadly she won’t and yet again it will be down to the teachers to try and install some consideration for others in him.
It will also be the teacher’s fault when he causes disruption and distress to the other children.
The other parents will complain about the teacher not keeping their children safe etc etc.

You need to start countering “he’s only 4” with “have you not noticed other 4 year olds don’t act like this.”

Sadly he will last long at school and it will most likely be the teacher that gets the blame for his behaviour.