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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

190 replies

dominique36 · 25/10/2024 23:12

Hi, just looking for a little outside perspective. DD2 was in hospital with pneumonia, very scary time. We have very little support. My mum is our only support. She will have her overnight once a month so it’s not like she has her loads.
Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter. Not helpful when we are in hospital and I spent ages trying to get an oxygen mask on my toddlers face as her oxygen levels had significantly dropped.
Along comes my mum with a little piece of cheese, I asked her not to give her the cheese, as she has an oxygen mask on and I had a hard time getting it on, DD needed oxygen.
she completely ignored me! Took the mask off and give her the cheese. This had been building up over the 3 days we were in hospital. I told her calmly that I had asked her not to do that and that she was overstepping boundaries. She looked at me with a smirk on her face and said “I can go if you want”, ( she had been coming once a day for a couple of hours so I could see to things at home. I have two other sons) I reply with “do what you want to do”, and with that she walked out! I’m in hospital on my own with a toddler, I have two sons at home that miss me and wanted to see me for an hour. I’ve had no food no shower no clean clothes not slept in days. And I haven’t heard from her since. This has made an already truly awful time even more stressful. I probably won’t hear from her atall as she is so stubborn and ever so controlling. Is it worth making up for the little support I receive or do I just go it alone?

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 25/10/2024 23:14

Who's looking after your other children now?

Changingplace · 25/10/2024 23:15

Sorry to hear your daughter is ill, I agree trying to feed a child who’s wearing an oxygen mask is annoying and unnecessary.

Do you have other support? Who is with your sons?

Pandasnacks · 25/10/2024 23:16

Are you a single parent? Who's got the other kids?

Letsgocamping67 · 25/10/2024 23:19

Sounds like she was offering a bit of cheese to diffuse the situation and then you could try again with the mask, say 30 seconds later. It’s very upsetting to have a child in hospital. Maybe you did overreact a bit but understandable in the circumstances. Only you know how she usually is and how upset she may be as well.

Original poster
dominique36 · 25/10/2024 23:34

One of my sons is 19, my other son is 9 and is with his dad while I’m in hospital. Who has a new family and his own commitments.

OP posts:
Original poster
dominique36 · 25/10/2024 23:34

Yes single parent

OP posts:
Original poster
dominique36 · 25/10/2024 23:35

she wasn’t there whilst I was trying to get the mask on, she came in after. Her stats dropped dangerously low. She knew this. Like one thing at a time, oxygen first!

OP posts:
Stanleycupsarecool · 25/10/2024 23:46

As someone whose toddler has been in hospital a lot with low sats a lot, ask for nasal cannula with the stickers. You will need to pin her down when the nurse puts it on. But trying to keep a mask on is a nightmare.

It is really tough being in hospital and it can make you quite short tempered. Your mum sounds like a pain, but at the end of the day you have been relying on her coming in so you might just have to put up with these annoying little things. I mean this in the nicest possible way but if her says we’re dangerously low a nurse would have been there and there would have been no mucking about with the mask.

Can your 19 year old come in for a bit?

Livelovebehappy · 25/10/2024 23:50

One of your sons is 19, and the other is with their father, so what do you need to do at home? Hopefully your adult son will be keeping the house clean, and be able to deal with anything which crops up, including bringing stuff to the hospital if needed. And your mother looks after your child overnight each month, which you should feel really lucky for, and has been coming to the hospital. It does sound like you’re being a bit harsh on her and you’re acting a bit self entitled. I hope your dd starts to feel better soon.

OhMyGollyGoshGosh · 25/10/2024 23:52

Sounds tough for both you and your mum.

I suspect this was a breaking point for you both and there's a teensy bit more to it?

TheCatterall · 25/10/2024 23:54

@dominique36 i wouldn’t be leaving my daughter with someone that likes power plays and pisses about taking oxygen masks off ill children.

have you a friend that can bring you some stuff in to freshen up with - or ask your eldest?

mm81736 · 25/10/2024 23:55

2 hours every day is a very big favour.I think you have cut off your nose to spite your face.I would be on the blower apologising!

Original poster
dominique36 · 25/10/2024 23:55

My adult son is autistic and I am a carer for him. So no, he can’t really help atall. I live far from the hospital also.
yes DD has the tube with stickers now! She tore the first one out as she really does not like a fuss. So the nurses just kept an oxygen tube by her. But she had a coughing fit, temp went up. Oxygen went down to 83, heart rate over 200! I was shouting for nurses it was an emergency situation and very stressful ☹️ she now has the stickers and tube again.

OP posts:
Entertherubicon · 25/10/2024 23:56

Ask your adult son to come to the hospital to mind his sister while you go home to change and eat. Start building an alternative network of support and ditch your toxic mother.

Where is your daughter's father? Can he not sit with her in the hospital while you test for a bit.

Original poster
dominique36 · 25/10/2024 23:59

daughters father lives overseas. Also might be worth mentioning my mother is not interested in my son’s atall. Only my daughter? She never has or had my boys. Not bothered about them in the slightest.

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Original poster
dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:01

This, I literally feel like it’s a power play and the more I think about it, it’s the way it’s always been.

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 26/10/2024 00:01

dominique36 · 25/10/2024 23:59

daughters father lives overseas. Also might be worth mentioning my mother is not interested in my son’s atall. Only my daughter? She never has or had my boys. Not bothered about them in the slightest.

Extremely odd this isn't the first thing you mentioned and also that you would allow her to treat your kids like that

Original poster
dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:02

I’m happy to slum it in hospital, well I suppose I have no choice now. I just don’t understand the behaviour at a time like this? She knows full well what she’s doing. She has OCD and a history of controlling behaviour.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/10/2024 00:03

I just don't think it was smart to give your mother a bollocking and then tell her she could go away unless you were willing for her to actually go? She has been coming every day to let you go and do stuff, and it sounds as if you failed to understand the value of that and took out your anxiety and frustration on the person who is your life support right now.

McGregor33 · 26/10/2024 00:03

Let her walk and keep walking. I’d rather struggle than have someone feel they had power over me.

Considering your daughters sats were rather dangerous she’s an absolute horror for removing the oxygen mask for a bit of blooming cheese!

Original poster
dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:04

My boys are older, and different situations. I wouldn’t see one left out! I just wonder why she wasn’t like this with my boys when they were younger etc

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Laura268 · 26/10/2024 00:06

It's unforgiveable OP.

There's just not a universe where my Mum would do this. Ok she might try to force the cheese and she might roll her eyes at me and we might have bickered about the mask until I resorted to a teenager whine of 'muuuuuuum' but not in a million years would she have left.

You must be so hurt.

Remember she didn't just leave you, she also left her Granddaughter and for that I'd be angry as hell because no matter how annoyed she was with you in the moment, there are kids in this. The grand-daughter poorly in the hospital and her Grandson missing his Mummy. Unforgiveable in my eyes.

Is there a MIL, friend, partner, ex-partner, Auntie, sibling - you could ask for help from?

Original poster
dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:07

McGregor33 · 26/10/2024 00:03

Let her walk and keep walking. I’d rather struggle than have someone feel they had power over me.

Considering your daughters sats were rather dangerous she’s an absolute horror for removing the oxygen mask for a bit of blooming cheese!

“I’d rather struggle” this is exactly how I feel. I would rather struggle!

OP posts:
IAKnowyou · 26/10/2024 00:07

Livelovebehappy · 25/10/2024 23:50

One of your sons is 19, and the other is with their father, so what do you need to do at home? Hopefully your adult son will be keeping the house clean, and be able to deal with anything which crops up, including bringing stuff to the hospital if needed. And your mother looks after your child overnight each month, which you should feel really lucky for, and has been coming to the hospital. It does sound like you’re being a bit harsh on her and you’re acting a bit self entitled. I hope your dd starts to feel better soon.

Don't be ridiculous!!

Original poster
dominique36 · 26/10/2024 00:08

Laura268 · 26/10/2024 00:06

It's unforgiveable OP.

There's just not a universe where my Mum would do this. Ok she might try to force the cheese and she might roll her eyes at me and we might have bickered about the mask until I resorted to a teenager whine of 'muuuuuuum' but not in a million years would she have left.

You must be so hurt.

Remember she didn't just leave you, she also left her Granddaughter and for that I'd be angry as hell because no matter how annoyed she was with you in the moment, there are kids in this. The grand-daughter poorly in the hospital and her Grandson missing his Mummy. Unforgiveable in my eyes.

Is there a MIL, friend, partner, ex-partner, Auntie, sibling - you could ask for help from?

Yes incredibly hurt. It’s ok, I’ll manage. Thank you.

OP posts: