To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

[dominique36]

Hi, just looking for a little outside perspective. DD2 was in hospital with pneumonia, very scary time. We have very little support. My mum is our only support. She will have her overnight once a month so it’s not like she has her loads.
Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter. Not helpful when we are in hospital and I spent ages trying to get an oxygen mask on my toddlers face as her oxygen levels had significantly dropped.
Along comes my mum with a little piece of cheese, I asked her not to give her the cheese, as she has an oxygen mask on and I had a hard time getting it on, DD needed oxygen.
she completely ignored me! Took the mask off and give her the cheese. This had been building up over the 3 days we were in hospital. I told her calmly that I had asked her not to do that and that she was overstepping boundaries. She looked at me with a smirk on her face and said “I can go if you want”, ( she had been coming once a day for a couple of hours so I could see to things at home. I have two other sons) I reply with “do what you want to do”, and with that she walked out! I’m in hospital on my own with a toddler, I have two sons at home that miss me and wanted to see me for an hour. I’ve had no food no shower no clean clothes not slept in days. And I haven’t heard from her since. This has made an already truly awful time even more stressful. I probably won’t hear from her atall as she is so stubborn and ever so controlling. Is it worth making up for the little support I receive or do I just go it alone?

It WAS removed. OP PUT IT ON. We all know they come off to eat etc. OP put it BACK on.

And you clearly didn't read the full thread as you would have noticed my quote was BEFORE the drip feed of autism...

And the grandmother REMOVED it for a moment to give the child a PIECE of CHEESE. This was ANNOYING but not DANGEROUS. During the SEVERAL DAYS that the child had been on the WARD, the mask will have been put ON and OFF LOTS OF TIMES.

Why are we shouting?

If you want someone's help you have to suck it up. Or you ask them to go and get on with it yourself. You decided the cheese incident was more important than the two hours help you were getting. Fair enough. Your mum has left. Everyone is a winner. You are no longer annoyed and I'm sure your mum has better things to do than be moaned at by you when she is doing you a favour.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Do you have any friends who may be able to bring you some food and/or sit with your daughter for a little bit so you could check on your sons? I know myself the reluctance to ask for help but if it was the other way round, I bet you’d help a friend in need like this no questions asked ♥️

I think that it's best not to keep trying to judge the importance of if it was reasonable for the oxygen mask to be removed or not while her daughter ate the cheese. It was probably given with the intention of "being nice" to a sick child. However the OP had just had a battle to get her daughter to tolerate It and explained why she was asking her mum not to remove it. Her mum then decided to ignore her.

There's lots of procedures and things that have to happen in hospital, to keep person healthy. Some of them are uncomfortable, scary or downright painful. Toddlers can be difficult to get to do what you would like them to do at the best of times and are too young to understand the implications. Having finally got her to keep the mask on, it's understandable not to want someone else to immediately give them a reason to remove it again, especially when it's likely to trigger another struggle to get it back on again.

As parents we make a million decisions regarding our kids. In the vast majority of cases, they are done with the child's welfare and development in mind. Do mum's get things wrong? Yes. We are human, get tired, have conflicting needs of others to balance etc.We still show up every day and keep on trying to do our best.

It's not helpful to try to rake over the exact circumstances and nuances of the OPs decision. It was hers to make and most people surely can at least acknowledge that it's reasonable to consider that complying with the doctor's treatment is important.They don't give oxygen to people who don't need it.

Imagine if we were all were judged on each decision we make and the background we made it under, by a group of strangers who weren't there.

Time to support the OP during this worrying time. Give her good advice for trying to resolve the conflict at a later time like @Anisty

That isn't a little of support!

Little bit of support is seeing your parents or mother once every few months! Not her having your dd once a month & helping you whilst she's in hospital. Good grief.

Long as the mask went on straight away after there's not really an issue with her having a piece of cheese, the child still needs to eat regardless. Maybe you will actually see what little support really is now.

Thank you so much for this level of understanding.

Cheese is a pretty stupid thing to feed a toddler with pneumonia and low oxygen sats.

I understand where you’re coming from. My parents especially my mum tried the power play and over stepping boundaries with me when my children were little, I nipped it straight in the bud. I never ever relied on them after that. My kids are older now so I have no need to rely on them anyway but they’ve taken no interest in them anyway.

I work for our hospital charity and we give support to carers. On the kids wards we supply food vouchers as well to parents will even go and get you something or sit with your child. Ask at the desk if they have a similar service.

My daughter has autism and lots of sensory issues too. I don't think people who haven't experienced it would understand. For her some textures are intolerable and even as a young adult who can understand why, it would be enormously difficult for her to have to maintain contact with them if it was medically necessary.

It's not about being difficult or behaving "properly" as some people assume. For her it feels physically painful, in the same manner as plunging our hand into very hot water or holding onto something giving us an electric shock.

You are obviously a loving mum and doing everything you can to look after everyone. Don't neglect yourself in the equation, you have to be able to carry on caring. Once your daughter is well enough to be discharged, it might be possible for the hospital to arrange putting you in touch or organising a bit of extra help at home for a few days, just so you can recover. There are different schemes or charities that support people leaving hospital.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing amazingly well. 😍

You’re not being unreasonable here. She tried to make this horrible situation about her. So unnecessary at a time like that and the last thing you need. Just really sorry, it sounds like you’re going through a v stressful time.

Why are you wasting time on here OP?

You’re stressed, you’re venting but it’s not going to make a blind bit of difference.

You can’t have it both ways. You cant ask for help from a controlling mother and then complain that she’s controlling.

So don’t ask her. You’re going to have to reach out to friends or organisations to help you out.

Your DS (9) is being looked after by his father. He will understand you need to be at the hospital and FaceTime is fine in the meantime. So at least that’s one worry taken care of.

No one can fix your problem on here though. It’s just a waste of your already very stretched time.

Your mum is unhinged.

I SO feel for you. The last thing you needed was your mother to make it about her !

If you can do without her let her keep walking , you need calm above everything atm to focus on you and your DD if she can’t aid you in a way that’s positive let her walk.

Grandmothers had their time to parent with their own DC now is your time and that should be respected not ignored .

But the child had the mask on at this point. Offering the cheese was going to undo all the hard work OP had just done in getting the mask onto a reluctant toddler with dropping oxygen levels

She sounds awful! Yadnbu.

For those saying oxygen masks are taken off all the time for eating, going to the loo etc, yes that's true.

BUT - they are only taken off if and when the sats are reasonable. I was in hospital a couple of years ago and had low oxygen sats, they checked them before meals etc and twice delayed mask removal until they'd gone up a bit.

Plus there's a difference between needed to take the mask off for absolutely necessary things, and taking them off for a treat (not that I'd consider a bit of cheese a particular treat for a toddler).

@dominique36 The poster above saying that you were 'putting on' your grandmother.

He's 19, notwithstanding his autism it's not quite the same as running after a toddler. I bet she's fine about it

Who brings cheese to a hospital visit?

How stressful for you. I'm sorry your DD is poorly and that you have some much to cope with. Yes it is incredibly hurtful and selfish behaviour from your mum. What an absolute arse to offer her cheese. We spent a lot of time in hospital when my DS was little and needed oxygen and I know the struggle of getting and keeping an oxygen mask on them. If it helps I remember that the nurses were able to rig something up to prop the mask near his face and then blast the oxygen through at a higher level. Try not to dwell on your mum. Put your focus on your kids and see if you can call on help from elsewhere. Best of luck. x

Its really narcissistic behaviour of your mum. Dont let her take away your focus of your little one. I'd struggle to let this go tbh.

Hope you are both ok

OP my mother is like yours.
I'm very sorry for you.
You really need her at this time and she is controlling and being horrible. She won't change. I have plenty of instances like that.
My advice is as hard as you think it is cut ties with her. She is now loving the power she has over you, but one day she will be frail and will need you. Have no doubts that she will demand then your full attention 24/7.
I should have cut ties with mine and I didn't do it. I'm.suffering now the consequences.
Your mother is not right in her head. She should be helping you out rather than playing power games.
Hoping you daughter will recover soon xx

Chocolate or fruit is the norm to bring into hospital isn't it?