To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

[dominique36]

Hi, just looking for a little outside perspective. DD2 was in hospital with pneumonia, very scary time. We have very little support. My mum is our only support. She will have her overnight once a month so it’s not like she has her loads.
Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter. Not helpful when we are in hospital and I spent ages trying to get an oxygen mask on my toddlers face as her oxygen levels had significantly dropped.
Along comes my mum with a little piece of cheese, I asked her not to give her the cheese, as she has an oxygen mask on and I had a hard time getting it on, DD needed oxygen.
she completely ignored me! Took the mask off and give her the cheese. This had been building up over the 3 days we were in hospital. I told her calmly that I had asked her not to do that and that she was overstepping boundaries. She looked at me with a smirk on her face and said “I can go if you want”, ( she had been coming once a day for a couple of hours so I could see to things at home. I have two other sons) I reply with “do what you want to do”, and with that she walked out! I’m in hospital on my own with a toddler, I have two sons at home that miss me and wanted to see me for an hour. I’ve had no food no shower no clean clothes not slept in days. And I haven’t heard from her since. This has made an already truly awful time even more stressful. I probably won’t hear from her atall as she is so stubborn and ever so controlling. Is it worth making up for the little support I receive or do I just go it alone?

I think you have problems with letting go. I work with adults with disabilities and its frustrating when family over infantilises people to the extent that they think they can’t do anything for themselves.

I posted earlier, but just seen she has sensory issues. Have you let the nurses know? My DS has sensory processing disorder and they were beyond helpful in finding solutions. A lot of the time I had to physically hold the mask a millimetre or so from his face. Obviously that can't be maintained through the night - though I tried. We were given a very sturdy elephant toy in PICU which you could wedge a mask between its feet and place right by his face. They will have faced this before.

For anyone criticsing you and acting like putting a mask on and off a small scared child is a piece of cake, they don't know what they are saying!

I don't think there is any feeling like that of sitting watching and listening like a hawk to your child's breath on repeat. Thinking of you op. Book a spa day when your home!

Ok, you keep sticking up for the controlling/narcissistic grandmother if that's who you can relate to in this scenario.

I'm so sorry OP. You expect your mother to really care for your little daughter in hospital. The little one was on oxygen and your mother couldn't give a shit about her medical needs, she just wanted to please herself. When you advocated for your DD, your mother left. How narc of her.

A grandparent, an aunty/uncle, any person who really loves a child, will always do their best to help the child and the parent, specially at stressful times. They just don't create drama just for the sake of giving cheese when a child is on oxygen.

I hope you can distance yourself from her. She may be your mother, but she has no idea what it means.

Honestly OP it doesn’t sound like you appreciate what a lot your mum does already.

I get that it’s hard having children with autism and that it’s hard to spend time with them in hospital. I’ve had to do that a lot with my 3, one of whom is profoundly autistic and non verbal.

But to put things in context:

1 Having your 2 year old with autism for an overnight stay once a month is a huge amount of support. That’s monthly respite for you. None of my family ever even saw my kids at that level of frequency and in 18 years only did one overnight stay when they had sole charge.

2 Coming to the hospital for 2 hours every day is also huge. Again, not even my husband was able to do that when I’ve been in with my kids. I assume there is a hospital shop or canteen on site. You will need to ask one of the ward staff to sit with your daughter for 15 mins, go the shop or canteen and buy enough food to last you for 24 hours. There will also be a parents room where you can make yourself hot drinks somewhere near your ward. I used to have to have a grab bag sitting by front door which had oatcakes and a tub of peanut butter in it for unexpected hospital admissions as they don’t feed parents on the ward and it is really tough when you have to be with your child constantly

3 there will also be a bathroom on the ward and the staff should be able to give you a towel so you can grab yourself a very quick shower at some point when your daughter is napping.

Its clear tensions ran high but I think you need to recognise that your mum is (at your own request) a very hands on grandparent. Much more than most. And she’s been looking after your child for 2 hours a day during the hospital stay so is also stressed and upset by the situation. So it’s unsurprising that when you snapped at her, she snapped back. That doesn’t mean she won’t be back tomorrow but for today you will need to lie in the bed you made and find a way to cope.

You should have just said ' no just don't take her oxygen off its dangerous. '

Is there no one else who can help?

Hi OP, I’m appalled by some of the responses on here, really, some people do not have a f%^king clue. Your daughter was in a dangerous position for sure, regarding O2 sats, and heart rate. Your idiot mother trying to remove oxygen mask and give daughter cheese then had a hissy fit, and left. GOOD. She’s being a total arsehole and you can do without that. Your mum wanted to please herself and completely oblivious to the situation your daughter was/is in.
DO NOT APOLOGISE to your mother. She has behaved appallingly. She added to the stress of the situation. Keep her away from yourself. I’m sorry you’re slumming it, many of us have been there; you’ll look and feel rubbish for a while. I hope things get into an even keel soon.
Jesus, I despair of some of the posters on here. Thick.

You need to check in on the Stately Homes thread.

Your mother sounds awful.

Hugs from someone who knows exactly what this is like, whilst also being a single parent to at least one child with high needs, no other support, and the tightrope walk of maintaining a civil relationship my own selfish narcissistic mother xxx

@letmego24 any idiot can see if a child or indeed an adult has an oxygen mask on, you don’t damn well interfere and try to feed them bits of cheese.

it sounds like her help comes with strings that she's tied into a noose around your neck.

Sometimes the lesser of two evils is to struggle alone when the alternative is help that comes with strings that choke you.

She sounds remarkably like my mother who was overhear and always had to get her own way and would flounce off in a strop if someone tried to say no and then would “punish” the person by giving them the silent treatment for weeks and weeks and then reappear as if nothing had happened. She was like a toddler.

She was really cross with me once over absolutely nothing (she thought I’d been hiding a ten year old carpet receipt from her and i genuinely had no idea it was with a bunch of paperwork my brother had given me). I had found the receipt, rang her to tell her I did have it after all and she came round to get it and opened my front door and stood back on purpose to let my two dogs run out onto the main road. And stood there not helping and smirking while I was running round all the cars catching them. That was my “punishment “.

Could you have a conversation with your mum when everyone has calmed down and just tell her that you had a valid reason for asking her not to remove the mask and that you’d appreciate a more adult relationship with her which doesn’t involve her flouncing off. She probably won’t like being told a few home truths though, and be ready for the gas lighting where she tells you that you’re overreacting, etc.

id actually be telling her I wanted an apology for the mask removal. I told my mum I wanted an apology over the dog incident and she wasn’t to contact me until she could apologise. She never did apologise and I never saw her again.

I find that grandparents tend to have a bit if an obsessions with feeding kids when they are unwell. I can totally understand the frustration. But she looks after your 2 year old autistic daughter every month for a sleepover? That's amazing. My autistic child has had four nights total at grandmas house in ten years (and she lives nearby). I'm not annoyed at my Mum- she finds it too hard work overnight.

Another thing to consider. You have two autistic kids who have different dads (I'm not clear if there's two or three dads for the kids). Given the very strong genetic link for autism and that you are the common factor have you considered if you and your mum are autistic too? That could explain some odd behaviour and also intolerance of each other. I didn't realise I'm provably autistic until my child was diagnosed.

I think your mum behaved badly. I don't know who was right or wrong about the cheese, but you had said not to and she should have deferred to your decision as the parent. She should also not have walked out to punish you for the disagreement. If you were my DD even if I thought you were wrong or you'd snapped I'd have cut you some slack. If it were my DGD wild horses wouldn't stop me from helping in any way I could. I think your mum gives her support very conditionally and withdraws it very easily. I wouldn't rely on support like that.

Of course there’s the usual comments suggesting you’re the one in the wrong. Ignore them; they’re probably from people just as unpleasant as your mother seems to be. My mum can be similar, she threatened to leave me at the hospital when I had to go in a few days after I had my baby, during lockdown when there was no public transport. Having an emotionally stunted/immature parent is awful, especially when you really need the support a ‘normal’ parent would provide without even being asked. If you think you could manage without her
help, going low or no contact might be better for your mental health.

I’ve been in this situation with my tiny child very sick in hospital. Honestly, two things come to mind:

1. If my mother, or anyone else, did anything to endanger my child I would have told them to leave.
2. I wouldn’t have to do that because they wouldn’t have. It is unusually bad behaviour that I think you have realised is part of a bigger pattern.

Unless you’ve been in this position, it’s hard to imagine how hard it is. Love and support sent your way.

Id go it alone and distance yourself from this person. If they are trying to undermine you and controlling, thats not a healthy relationship and minimising contact may help you and also see how you feel when they aren't around for long periods.

When youre caught up in the middle of something, often you can't see how this person is affecting your life. They made this comment at the hospital as if they can do what they like as you need them - thats not a nice way to behave - its not normal

I think the bottom line is that you repeatedly asked her not to do something, were over-ruled, and your mum then acted as if she was the wounded party. Yes, feelings are bound to run high in this situation but there is a big difference between ‘look, I’m going to get a cup of tea for ten minutes’ and flouncing off.

Of course there’s the usual comments suggesting you’re the one in the wrong. Ignore them; they’re probably from people just as unpleasant as your mother seems to be

totally agree with this^

You do not interfere with medical equipment and put a child who is sick in any discomfort or make them worse in anyway.

That's one part of the story what about her other grandchildren she has ignored because they are boys. The op has a 9 year old son and she wants nothing to do with him. The op asked her mother not to give her daughter the cheese instead she ignored her daughter's request and force fed her grandchild. She could have waited until she was stable instead she jumped right in there.

One more thing the op had to raise her first child alone when she was 16 because grandmother of the year couldn't care less. The op has a 19 year old son. She moved out of her mother's house so she could raise him.

I am sure you wouldn't put up with it if your mother favoured one grandchild over the rest of her grandchildren.

It makes you realise we live in a narcissistic world. Op you are doing the right thing. If I was you I would go low contact until she starts talking properly.

Read all the ops comments. Her grandmother wants nothing to do with her other grandchildren because they are boys. Excuses should never be made for emotional or medical abuse.

Sounds like OP had managed to get her DC to keep the mask on after a battle to get it on and all was settled. Then her DM came in and insisted on taking the mask off again because she randomly decided the DC needed to eat cheese. Thus undoing all OP's good work for no good reason.

I agree her DM is not interested in really helping and just wants her own way. She should be ashamed. I would look elsewhere for support in future as the DM isn't interested in offering any.

You are in hospital with your young child

And here you are…,l tapping away furiously on your mumsnet thread annoyed with your mum

baffling

The women sounds deeply unpleasant
And yet the Op is perfectly happy to have her in sole charge of her young child and even overnight stays