To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

[dominique36]

Hi, just looking for a little outside perspective. DD2 was in hospital with pneumonia, very scary time. We have very little support. My mum is our only support. She will have her overnight once a month so it’s not like she has her loads.
Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter. Not helpful when we are in hospital and I spent ages trying to get an oxygen mask on my toddlers face as her oxygen levels had significantly dropped.
Along comes my mum with a little piece of cheese, I asked her not to give her the cheese, as she has an oxygen mask on and I had a hard time getting it on, DD needed oxygen.
she completely ignored me! Took the mask off and give her the cheese. This had been building up over the 3 days we were in hospital. I told her calmly that I had asked her not to do that and that she was overstepping boundaries. She looked at me with a smirk on her face and said “I can go if you want”, ( she had been coming once a day for a couple of hours so I could see to things at home. I have two other sons) I reply with “do what you want to do”, and with that she walked out! I’m in hospital on my own with a toddler, I have two sons at home that miss me and wanted to see me for an hour. I’ve had no food no shower no clean clothes not slept in days. And I haven’t heard from her since. This has made an already truly awful time even more stressful. I probably won’t hear from her atall as she is so stubborn and ever so controlling. Is it worth making up for the little support I receive or do I just go it alone?

Who is caring for your eldest?

I don't think she is being ridiculous.

Honestly, as someone whose baby was in hospital for 12 weeks I understand it. I’m a single mum to 3, I was school run, hospital, school run etc.. It’s hard.

I even had my mum tell me I shouldn’t be at the hospital daily to see my baby, they were fine 🙃 yeah so fine they were in for another 6 weeks after that comment.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you have the same kind of mum as me. I’m extremely low contact with her and she only really finds out about me& my kids through the grapevine. Much less stress and much less disappointment!

Me neither.

Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter.

In what way (other than cheese 😂)

Unforgivable. She risked your daughter’s health, and then left just to make a spiteful bitchy point.
Because she knows you need her and she probably wants you to beg her to return. I wouldn’t do it. If there is any way you can get by without her, I would try.
If it is too hard, then keep her for this hospital duration then I would go low contact afterwards.
You need supportive people who care about you all.

He’s staying with my elderly grandmother while I’m in hospital which is really helpful but also not ideal as unfortunately she’s unable to cook for him etc. it’s really difficult.

Tomorrow is another day. Tempers are bound to be frayed in a stressful situation like this, hopefully you will both move on and start fresh.

But she removed an oxygen mask! How can posters be saying this is okay?!

OP I am so sorry.

is there a neighbour or someone who can bring you a change of clothes, wet wipes etc. I'd do that for a neighbour.

It's really, really awful that your mother did that with the mask and really, really awful that she's walked out after you stood up to her.

You're going through so much and need support, not stress.

If you can manage without her, it might be easier than the emotional stress, but only you know what boundaries are best for you. I hope your daughter gets well soon.

Thanks. This is how I’m feeling. It’s been building up over days. Constantly overbearing behaviours. Not just the cheese. Prompting me to change her nappy, even though it has no wee inside it, let’s sit her up, she’s comfy as it is. She has OCD so I don’t know if it’s that? But my daughter’s care falls to me. I’m 35 years old, I don’t need to be told how to look after my toddler. She doesn’t need two ‘mums’ stressing over her in the hospital. That’s literally what it felt like.

I think she's a dick and you are definitely not unreasonable. I'd leave her to it.

@TheYearOfSmallThings @HermoniePotter Of course you don't. This is on AIBU.
Read the OP's circumstances.. and then see whether you think the suggestions they made were ridiculous or not.
It is rude to assume everyone has it easy as we like to think they do. Life doesn't work that way.
Plus, when you have a toddler in hospital.. even the tiniest of things are going to tip you over the edge. It's very stressful.
This was a huge overstep of boundaries, and stupid point scoring on her mother's behalf.

It sounds like the boys might not be cared for as they are used to but are safe, so I would just accept the situation and focus on your little girl. I would ask staff to not let your mum in to visit and send her a polite text thanking her for the help she’s given to date and explaining that you will see her when you are home again as visitors in hospital is getting a bit much for both of you.

It sounds like you probably are better off coping on your own. Having Mum about sounds very stressful.

That’s really great advice. Thank you.

Nothing ridiculous in my post…..🤷‍♀️

You’re mum sounds exactly like mine. It hurts so much and your feelings are valid. Things that (marginally) help are -

Remembering that I am breaking the cycle by parenting my children differently.

Not expecting her to change - she never, ever will.

Distancing myself massively.

"Forgiving" myself when we get on okay for a spell and I delude myself that mutual love and support is possible - it’s not. I have to accept that whilst acknowledging it’s painful and sometimes I regress. My heart goes out to you.

I hope your daughter is well and out of hospital soon. This must be worrying and disruptive for your other children, and your grandmother as well.

I think that now you have seen your mother for what she is to stop asking her for any help or to have your daughter stay once a month.

Nailed it!!!! It can be so confusing. Must stop deluding myself. And I am breaking the cycle! Thank you.

I read the OP's circumstances. It is clear that she is very reliant on her mother and grandmother for support to care for her children - I'm sure this is difficult and frustrating and creates friction and resentment that would not exist if she were less reliant. It often does.

What makes no sense is telling someone they can leave and then being outraged when they leave, especially when you need their help.

I feel so much sympathy for you. It's horrible to purposely disregard your wishes for your child, just because she feels entitled to as "your mum". That's regardless of the fact that you were absolutely right about the oxygen mask. I've had sepsis that evolved into septic shock and very very nearly killed me. I've been left with multiple organ damage and that was after being on the highest flow of oxygen they had, so being hypoxic is no joke. I understand that your mum might have been fussing about with the intention of trying to make your daughter feel more comfortable, but there's time for that when she's not critically ill. She needs all her energy to cope with recovery, so it's probably best for your mum not to be there and starting arguments or tension.

She's pretty petty to actually walk out and leave you to it though. Anyone who has a brain cell and a bit of compassion would know that you are under stress and forgive any perceived slight. I do think it's a bit of a power play to "teach you a lesson". I think that at some point in the future, when things are more settled, you need to have a heart to heart and put some boundaries in place, regarding the role you want her to have going forward. You do need to balance it with some appreciation for the help she's given you but you are the nun and it's important for everyone including your daughter to see you as that.

I'm also a mum of two ND young adults so understand why your 19 year old isn't in the place to offer much support for you. It's very difficult having other people who need you, when you have another in hospital. I've had that unfortunate and challenging experience too, so know it's exhausting. Some children's wards will give you left over meals, if they have some or somewhere you can make yourself some toast. It might be worth talking to the staff, and seeing if that's possible.

Sending you strength, hugs and best wishes for your daughter to recover soon xx

I’m not reliant atall, on a normal day I have my children 24/7! I can go without the once a month my daughter goes to stay there, because I still have my sons!

And I’m not outraged atall. I’m upset and hurt.

Really kind. Thank you.