To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

[dominique36]

Hi, just looking for a little outside perspective. DD2 was in hospital with pneumonia, very scary time. We have very little support. My mum is our only support. She will have her overnight once a month so it’s not like she has her loads.
Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter. Not helpful when we are in hospital and I spent ages trying to get an oxygen mask on my toddlers face as her oxygen levels had significantly dropped.
Along comes my mum with a little piece of cheese, I asked her not to give her the cheese, as she has an oxygen mask on and I had a hard time getting it on, DD needed oxygen.
she completely ignored me! Took the mask off and give her the cheese. This had been building up over the 3 days we were in hospital. I told her calmly that I had asked her not to do that and that she was overstepping boundaries. She looked at me with a smirk on her face and said “I can go if you want”, ( she had been coming once a day for a couple of hours so I could see to things at home. I have two other sons) I reply with “do what you want to do”, and with that she walked out! I’m in hospital on my own with a toddler, I have two sons at home that miss me and wanted to see me for an hour. I’ve had no food no shower no clean clothes not slept in days. And I haven’t heard from her since. This has made an already truly awful time even more stressful. I probably won’t hear from her atall as she is so stubborn and ever so controlling. Is it worth making up for the little support I receive or do I just go it alone?

OP didn't tell her DM she could leave, she said she could do what she wants. Leaving was what the DM wanted to do I guess, after being called out on crossing boundaries. It's that that's a bit shitty.

OP your mother sounds horrific. Putting her granddaughter’s health at risk so she can score points over you, then flouncing out like a massive toddler. It’s all about her when it should be about your DD. Don’t even think about apologising to her, you’ve done nothing wrong, it should be her apologising. If you can at all manage without her then do it. I bet you’ll feel much more relieved and relaxed without her around. I’m sorry your DD is so poorly.

It was actually.

You clearly didn't read the full thread to understand the needs of the 19yr old.

And you're the sort of person who thinks it's entirely reasonable for a person to remove an oxygen mask against a parents wishes to feed a toddler a cube of cheese.....and then flounce off in a strop when told not to.

But you think the OP is entitled 😂

You are reliant because right now your grandmother is looking after your older son (as best she can), and the only way you can leave the hospital every day to see him, shop, and bring essentials is when your mother comes to sit with your daughter for several hours.

This can't be easy for anyone, and having a child in hospital is stressful enough without the feeling of frustration that comes from being reliant on people who are annoying (as family frequently is).

You both lost your tempers, and you basically told her to go, and she did. What did you think she would do when you said that?

It was truly awful! It all happened at the same time as well I was in absolute turmoil. Thanks. Now I’ve had time to think I’m much more relaxed. I’m not going to reach out. I’m going to manage by myself. Im not playing her games. Absolute child!

Well that won’t be happening anymore will it! And furthermore, my grandmother can’t believe her own daughter (my mum) has acted in this way. I never told her to go! She said she will go(in a threatful manner) because she was expecting me to beg her to stay. I stood up for myself! What she did was wrong. At times like this you’re lucky if you have good family. My grandmother is a star. My mum is a selfish child. And furthermore I never really asked my mum for her help anyhow she just showed up and started playing boss.

OP you are in an awful situation regardless of your mother being unhelpful. My daughter also got pneumonia as a baby, multiple times and it was hard. Really hard. And I’m not even a single parent.

Are there any charities that operate around the kids ward with volunteers who might be able to help you? In Australia we have Ronald McDonald House, and at our local paediatric ward they have a room for families with toast and cereal and armchairs and a volunteer you can talk to etc. I went there a few times while DD slept. It was a bit of a sanity saver.

You are going to rightly feel great when you prove her wrong by managing. It's going to be difficult but having someone effectively emotionally blackmail you, to carry on disrespecting you, is never going to end well. I suspect that there's plenty of examples you could have given, where your mum is pushing her agenda. Part of it might be down to her OCD and partly her character.

Once a month childcare isn't overly reliant in my book, and certainly doesn't give her care blanche on overriding you!

I'm also thinking about what you said about the way she's treating your kids differently. I concede that she might have difficulty or apprehensive about looking after a child who has extra needs by herself but that doesn't explain the difference she's showing to your youngest son. I'd definitely be trying to get to the bottom of that too, at some point.

It's come at a tricky time for you at the moment but hopefully soon life will get back on an an even keel.

I'm glad you are feeling calmer now and been able to talk to your grandma. It's hard to stand up to parents some times and it can get to a point when you just have to. Hopefully your mum will reflect on it too and together you will be able to get to a place where you both respect each other and she's putting her your kids needs first.
I honestly don't think you will regret standing up for yourself though.

I agree Radiolala. A mother - a caring mother and grandmother - would never have walked out and left their daughter and grandchild like that. My own mother virtually gave up her own life for several years when she was in her late 50's early 60's, to help look after her grandchildren when I was going through a crisis. Very sadly my DM has been dead for a long time now, and I miss her so much. I do know how lucky I was to have her - Thank You again Mum ❤️

To be fair, @Livelovebehappy posted BEFORE @dominique36 told that her adult son is autistic; of course the reality is much different than how Live was imagining it. It was not her fault that she didn't know.

BUT, I can't imagine not apologizing once I found out about his special needs. In this case, the suggestions were not feasible. The post was blunt, and the entitlement comment was unkind; why @Livelovebehappy hasn't walked it back is anyone's guess.

What would be your mother's version of what happened? No you can't answer that

I've no idea why 40% say you are being unreasonable.

I'd take this opportunity to step back and keep a distance with your mum. What a cow she is.

I hope your daughter is better soon.

I can’t believe some of these posts.

OP Your mother is making this about herself and using the situation as a power play. She is the “good” one with the cheese and putting more pressure on you at an already difficult time. I think your mother is being extremely unreasonable. To come to the hospital for power play behaviour is not a loving gesture, and I can understand you are hurt. There is NOTHING entitled about what is going on for you right now.

No I can’t, because I’m not her and I could never understand.

I agree. I can only think those posters have been lucky enough not to come across people like OPs mum and so see it from the perspective of a non-self-absorbed, controlling person.

Sadly there are a lot of people like OPs mum about and they always think they know best and will play the victim when they are called out.

OP you are doing amazingly to have broken the cycle. It's not easy. Once you're out of thus current situation, I would think about whether your mum brings more positives than negatives to your and your children's lives.

Well it certainly sounds as if your Mum has crossed a line regarding respect for YOU as the primary caregiver of your own child.

I think the thing to do IS to go it alone just now whilst you are in the hospital. Could you get respite care for your ds. Or has at least got daytime activities and a support worker in place so he's out of the house by day?

Maybe in a month or so, ask your mum to meet you in a neutral space (café for eg) and have your thoughts together about how you want the relationship with your mum to look going forward.

Remember she will have to have her say too so hear her out! Just listen to her point of view without any objection.

Finish at the cafe in a civilised way if you can (if she starts talking all over the top of you, just stop talking. Do not argue)

Make no decision at the cafe.

Once home, you take as long as you need to think about the café conversation. And you now have the experience of looking after your kids alone.

So - putting all the infomation together - you will then be able to decide the way forward.

Social services will be the ones to contact over respite care for your ds.

For future hospital stays, have a small bag ready with travel sized toiletries like a tooth brush, flannel, and clean undies.

Has your oldest got a support worker at all? I've no practical advice on your Mam, apart from try to build a support network that doesn't involve her because taking the Oxygen mask off to give cheese is bizarre.

Bloody hell, some of these posts. A woman removed an oxygen mask from a toddler's face when they really needed it!

Think it will be easier to deal with this yourself and tell your mum to bugger off as she’s part of the problem.

Great advice thanks, however the cafe chat won’t happen. Anytime I’ve tried to talk to her before has gone down like a lead balloon. She’s controlling, defensive and gets aggressive when she hears anything she doesn’t like. She would never reason with me ☹️ that’s how I know, unless I reach out, we won’t speak again. She wouldn’t address what happened. Just brush everything under the carpet. I’ve had enough of it. I’m sticking to my guns here.

This.
And now you are only going to manage by putting on other people including your elderly GM.
Your DM gave her the cheese to be nice to your DD(who let's not forget this is all about) not to be mean to you.The mask is a red herring, i am not sure why you struggled so much, but if her oxygen was anywhere close to being dangerous, the staff would have helped you get it on.
You told your dm to leave, and then are surprised when she does!

Why on earth would she think a little child needs cheese more than oxygen?? What a stupid thing to do, of course you would tell her not to.

The mask isn’t a “red herring” when the girl needs oxygen otherwise she’ll get really sick - which is why OP told her mother not to give her cheese!!

The child would have been ok to move the oxygen mask to one side/take off and hold in front of the face for a short period to eat a block of cheese, did she want it? Was she hungry? Or was your mum forcing it upon her?

I suspect the issues with your mother are bigger than the mask/cheese- more like the straw that broke the camels back in a very stressful situation.

Perhaps with a clear mind you can both move on- but if you only see her every so often and don’t need nor value her help I’d probably go no contact.