To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

[dominique36]

Hi, just looking for a little outside perspective. DD2 was in hospital with pneumonia, very scary time. We have very little support. My mum is our only support. She will have her overnight once a month so it’s not like she has her loads.
Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter. Not helpful when we are in hospital and I spent ages trying to get an oxygen mask on my toddlers face as her oxygen levels had significantly dropped.
Along comes my mum with a little piece of cheese, I asked her not to give her the cheese, as she has an oxygen mask on and I had a hard time getting it on, DD needed oxygen.
she completely ignored me! Took the mask off and give her the cheese. This had been building up over the 3 days we were in hospital. I told her calmly that I had asked her not to do that and that she was overstepping boundaries. She looked at me with a smirk on her face and said “I can go if you want”, ( she had been coming once a day for a couple of hours so I could see to things at home. I have two other sons) I reply with “do what you want to do”, and with that she walked out! I’m in hospital on my own with a toddler, I have two sons at home that miss me and wanted to see me for an hour. I’ve had no food no shower no clean clothes not slept in days. And I haven’t heard from her since. This has made an already truly awful time even more stressful. I probably won’t hear from her atall as she is so stubborn and ever so controlling. Is it worth making up for the little support I receive or do I just go it alone?

so why?

Furiously tapping away? Hardly. Anger is an emotion I rarely experience. My young child is sleeping a lot in hospital, leaving me with so much to do! I just wanted a little help to process a difficult situation and I had nobody else to talk to. Thanks for your helpful comment 🙂

can i ask… why you even have her around your child let alone sole care when you describe her as such on this thread ^^

For the very fact she has nothing to do with your boys, would be more than enough for me to never ever see her again

stubborn
controlling
ignores your son
you had a terrible childhood and left home at 16

sounds perfect candidate to be involved with your child

It’s so hard to cut off a controlling parent when you’ve been raised by one! I already cut my father off 20 years ago, I felt like although she wasn’t perfect mum she was the only family I had left if that makes sense. Like the lesser of two evils.

Is op perfectly happy or is she just trying to keep the police with her mother as she has been conditioned to do?

i wasn’t expecting this many replies, I would just like to take a second to genuinely thank the pps who ‘get it’ for your understanding and kindness. It was really helpful during this difficult time and meant a lot! Obviously if you can’t relate, then you wouldn’t understand - and that’s fine too! Thanks all.

Firstly sorry to hear about your DD and I hope she makes a speedy recovery, secondly sending you hugs as this is such a tough time and moments like this really make you feel alone as a single parent.

your mum sounds awful, as do the PP’s who are sticking up for her. I completely get the 2 of you having a tense moment but as your mum and “support” she should have realised this was not the time and just let it go. To walk out like she did is a real “we’ll see how much she really needs me” move. As a PP said, her “help” is coming with serious strings attached.

once things are better I recommend trying to build yourself a village that doesn’t consist of narcissists, you sound like you’d really benefit from some decent support

all the best to you and your gang OP ❤️

I would have to agree with this.

Your mother is not a good influence around your children. She ignores your boys and flatters your girl. Nope. Every one is equal in the household.

Don't reach out to her again. Try if you can to make friends with your neighbours and colleagues if you can so that you might be able to reach out to them more than your mother. When she stops being the crutch you reach for when things get difficult, her role in the family will be different.
Don't let her into your home if she visits. Just say that you are managing and she must contact you before she starts to set out to visit you as you may not be able to have her in the house or you might be doing something that you don't want her involved in which is perfectly reasonable.

Stay strong. I hope your DD is feeling better and that you're feeling stronger now!

Exactly. There’s a lot of fear, obligation and guilt around trying to cut off a parent who is negatively affecting your life.

I suggest you ease away from her as much as possible and, as others have suggested, try and build up a support network so you never have to rely on your Mum.

And you will no doubt be stepping in to replace the actual real life support the OP is being encouraged to cut herself off from. Even though she made clear in her very first post that We have very little support. My mum is our only support.

It is very easy to say "Oh you will be better off without her" and "Start building friendship networks you can rely on". But if the OP gets appendicitis next week (or next year) neither random people on Mumsnet nor potential future friends will fill the gap people are encouraging her to create over a piece of cheese.

Not sure this is really about the cheese or more of a last straw. Grandmother sounds pushy and mum was rightly very stressed.
taking the mask off to allow a drink or a mouthful of food is totally acceptable IF the patient wants it. OP is there a hospital shop you could pop to quickly maybe when LO naps and stock up with snacks or pasta pots etc?

I spent years being a single parent and would rather have struggled than have someone think they have me over a barrel. That’s such a messed up dynamic to accept.

in answer to your question, yes 100% I’d be there for any mum that was struggling in this way. A lot of decent humans would. It’s entirely possible to create a network of other mums that can support you without being toxic about it.

FYI it’s not about “a piece of cheese” anyone with half a brain knows that

in answer to your question, yes 100% I’d be there for any mum that was struggling in this way. A lot of decent humans would. It’s entirely possible to create a network of other mums that can support you without being toxic about it.

It is incredibly easy to say that you would be there for any mum, and that it is straightforward to create a network of mums to support the OP. But it counts for nothing at all. Because if the OP falls sick next week, you will not be looking after her children, and not will anyone on this thread. The truth is, her mother and grandmother will be doing it. In real life, that is what happens.

yes if you wish to continue contact that is fine

but you do not need to leave your toddler with her in her sole care

I spent years being a single parent and would rather have struggled than have someone think they have me over a barrel. That’s such a messed up dynamic to accept.

Added to which, i could never relax knowing my child was alone with someone who made my childhood awful and continues to be awful

Emergency foster care exists for the exact situation that you’re describing, what do you think people with no support do if they go into hospital? I get what you’re saying but is the answer really to just tolerate this clearly conditional support? Her mum isn’t even super supportive, she’s been helpful in a practical way with ONE of her kids.

I had similar with my own mum and did cut her off, turned away from the free childcare that came with narcissistic abuse. Was it easy? No. Did I do the right thing? 100%

If OP was saying this about a partner this thread would be flooded with LTB, not one person would say “well he’s all you’ve got so suck it up”

I wouldn’t bring anything for a sick child, I wouldn’t want to compromise treatment. Only bring food if asked.

@bestbehaveyou sod off

you sound a bit… scary

apt name though

@bestbehaveyou of course my name is apt 😂
Nothing scary about me…..it is almost Halloween after all. Mind you, if standing up to arseholery and having empathy for the OP makes me scary, so be it 😉

i have empathy for the toddler
being alone with someone as ghastly as this

Practically speaking, I don't understand why you've had no food or sleep for days and you've not changed clothes?
I don't know a single hospital ward let alone a children's one that won't find you something to eat if you ask, or indeed who wouldn't offer.

Up until today your Mom has been staying at the hospital so you can pop home, why haven't you thrown some clothes and food in a bag or grabbed some sandwiches on the way back through the hospital?
Sleep is hard, I get that, but is it just hard to sleep and you're trying or you're sitting up purposely?
Making yourself ill won't help anyone. You don't need to be a martyr.

Ask them if someone can watch her whilst you grab a shower and grab some food