To think my mother is awful for walking out on me in the hospital

[dominique36]

Hi, just looking for a little outside perspective. DD2 was in hospital with pneumonia, very scary time. We have very little support. My mum is our only support. She will have her overnight once a month so it’s not like she has her loads.
Its just dawned on me that she is playing a mothers role to my daughter. Not helpful when we are in hospital and I spent ages trying to get an oxygen mask on my toddlers face as her oxygen levels had significantly dropped.
Along comes my mum with a little piece of cheese, I asked her not to give her the cheese, as she has an oxygen mask on and I had a hard time getting it on, DD needed oxygen.
she completely ignored me! Took the mask off and give her the cheese. This had been building up over the 3 days we were in hospital. I told her calmly that I had asked her not to do that and that she was overstepping boundaries. She looked at me with a smirk on her face and said “I can go if you want”, ( she had been coming once a day for a couple of hours so I could see to things at home. I have two other sons) I reply with “do what you want to do”, and with that she walked out! I’m in hospital on my own with a toddler, I have two sons at home that miss me and wanted to see me for an hour. I’ve had no food no shower no clean clothes not slept in days. And I haven’t heard from her since. This has made an already truly awful time even more stressful. I probably won’t hear from her atall as she is so stubborn and ever so controlling. Is it worth making up for the little support I receive or do I just go it alone?

I think people misunderstand how oxygen masks are used. It is not like on an airplane where cabin pressure has been lost - the ones in hospital are to gradually increase oxygen saturation. They will be taken off many times in a day for eating, dressing, walking to the toilet etc.

If the child has already been in hospital for several days, is on a general ward being supervised by her mother, and is well enough to take and eat cheese, then removing the mask for a moment will do no harm except to give her mother the irritating task of getting the mask back on afterwards (for the hundredth time that day).

Extremely odd that you're passing judgement on a stressed single mother based on the order in which she mentions things. Seriously, have a word with yourself.

OP, you sound great and are doing your best.

Family like your mother make life harder.
Help but always at a high price.

Step away from her.
You are breaking the cycle of abuse.
Focus on doing what you can today and try not to stress.

Your mother likes power plays, and people like that bring nothing but poisonous toxicity to your life.

I hope your child improves soon.
Mind yourself and be kind to yourself.
Keep her away from you, do not contact her.

Well there is something ridiculous in your post because the OP's son is autistic and she is his carer so your expectations of what he can do are wrong.

A 19 year old without autism would be able to care for himself and possibly his brother but unfortunately that isn't the case here.

@thepariscrimefiles The OP didn't clarify her older son was autistic and unable to help until after @Livelovebehappy posted. Her post offered a point of view, as requested, and wasn't ridiculous.

@TheYearOfSmallThings glad you pointed this out.

But he has a commitment to his son so he can just crack on.

Do you have supportive friends?

And yes, I'm sorry, you'll be much better off without her.

Would your eldest be able to sit with his sister while you get a shower?

I hope she recovers soon

You don't take an oxygen mask off an ill child to give them a piece of bloody cheese!

She's dangerous

You take them off to eat and drink and get dressed and go to the bathroom. They are on and off all day.

I'd love to see her justification for her ridiculous behaviour too

She added about thee autism much later. Likely after that response

But you don't take it off when you've only just struggled to get it on!

And it wasn't the OP's mother's decision to make

Sorry your daughter is ill and your mum shouldn't have done that but I do think it is mischaracterising to say you get very little support when she has your daughter overnight once a month and has come in to hospital daily for a few hours. This is a lot more than many.

Bonkers.

Yes but, she had only just had it on, bearing in mind that she is only 2, is also on the spectrum like my eldest. Doesn’t like anything touching her, she was very distressed having the mask on as she’s not used to it. And I had asked her not to give her the cheese! She needed to breathe! What if she had another coughing fit? Her mouth was extremely dry I would have preferred her to have a drink first- but when she had had a minute to get used to the mask and get her oxygen levels stable and steady.

Your mother sounds awful. But if you are 35 with a 19 year old son, then you were just a young teenager when you had him. Maybe your mum took a more hands-on approach then and still tries to?

Her DM takes no notice of her other GC so once a month with one kid isn't that helpful and clearly the price for that 'support' is too high

My son was already at my GM, I don’t intend to ask anything else of my GM so I’m unsure what you mean here.

How does your DD manage to eat if you won’t let anyone lift her oxygen mask up? Surely she needs food to build up her strength?

No. I had a bad childhood. I lived on my own from 16 with very little support. My mother has never been interested in my eldest son.

It certainly was the mother's decision to make.

But for those saying the grandmother is dangerous, I think they are misunderstanding that removing the mask for a moment is like switching off life support. It just isn't, they are removed all the time for eating, talking etc.

Come on. You can’t think what her mum did is acceptable? Removing the oxygen mask off a child who desperately needs oxygen?! She’s better off without her mum there if she does that!

They are moved for eating. People who use oxygen masks usually also eat. It is not a life support machine.

I can't believe people are trying to say that this was a normal interaction, some posters on this site either have really low emotional intelligence or are just on the wind-up or both.

Of course it's not 'just about the cheese' it's everything that way of behaving represents. I am lucky to have a kind mum and I cannot imagine her behaving like that after offering to support me at such a fraught time. People suggesting OP should feel indebted to her mum as she's already doing a 2 hrs/day, it's her mum! Her mum shouldn't be doing that in exchange for having some kind of leverage over her.

OP I hope your daughter is feeling better soon.

This might be the most ridiculous post on the whole thread. How do you think the DD eats?

My post was made prior to the drip feed about the son being autistic. Was a valid point for me to make if he was a functioning 19 Yr old.