Surname etiquette after marriage

[Gc1992]

Please help. My middle name rhymes with my fiancé’s surname so it sounds silly together. Keeping my surname and adding his on as a double-barrelled name also doesn’t sound right. I could change my middle name. Is this unreasonable? I can’t emphasise enough how silly the two names sound together! 😂

You really struck out for women with that choice. Well done. <slow clap>

This is exactly why women should keep their own surnames and give them to their children. If your mother had done that, you would have had her surname and not your abusive father's, and you would have had no reason to change it.

You had your own reasons for the choice you made, but we need more women to keep their surnames (and pass them on) in order to break the cycle.

My military husband took my name, he wanted to because he hated his last name. I loved his name, but we agreed to go with mine, and guess what? His penis didn’t fall off!

or just allow women to make their own decision? No point talking about what @Passwordsaremynemesis ’s Mum could have done regarding her name. I think she made the braver decision by leaving he violent husband.

@Passwordsaremynemesis you don’t need to justify anything, ignore the passive aggressiveness of people saying you SHOULD have kept your name, who are they to tell you what is right for you. There must be some mental trauma attached to your fathers name.

I never use my middle name

Good yayy, penis in tact that is good for you

@Bellatrixpure "You don’t even have to explain yourself to these angry feminists"

You say "angry feminists". I say "feminists"!

Of course you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You can just change or not change your name as you wish. But if you explain your reasons for changing your name for other people to read, then you're bound to come up against people who disagree with you. Otherwise it's not a discussion, it's just a list of "choices people have made".

Incidentally, the only even slightly angry people I've seen is the poster who said "I don't give a toss about female disempowerment" and a couple of shocked responders....

And I find threads like this, where women are being told that they shouldn't change their name if they want to, a deeply depressing start to any day, not just Sunday.

Errr, my mum’s surname was even worse, so no thanks to that option. I am a feminist, sometimes even an angry one, but I still think I have the right to choose my own name. I didn’t change it before I got married because it wasn’t that big a deal to me, but getting married was a great way to get rid of it. And I don’t really give two shits if you disagree with my choice, as it is just that, my choice.

I wouldn't worry about it. Middle names hardly ever get spoken out loud.

Conversely, I don’t know any that haven’t.

@Growlybear83 "And I find threads like this, where women are being told that they shouldn't change their name if they want to, a deeply depressing start to any day, not just Sunday"

They aren't being told that-as I have said repeatedly. Women can do whatever they want. It's just that some choices are feminist and some choices aren't.

@CurlewKate
There have been posts on this thread telling women what they SHOULD do. There is also an assumption by many people on Mumsnet that all women would class themselves as feminists, when that is not necessarily the case.

@Growlybear83 surely it's OK to say what you think people should do. There are always posts saying "give the baby his name" for example. And I think women should make feminist choices. No reason why I shouldn't say that. I'm not holding a gun to your head! And I accept that some women aren't feminists. I think they are bonkers-but there you are.🤣

Why would you change your name? I didn't and that was 30 years ago. Never an issue, even travelling with kids. Though I did have to explain to an immigration guy at Los Angeles airport that yes I was on honeymoon and no it wasn't a legal requirement to change my name. Same when registering first baby.

I completely agree that people should be free to give their opinions, but there is a difference between sharing your own views about something like this and dictating what other people should do. Some posters (and I'm not singling anyone out in particular) seem unable to accept that other people feel differently, and their views are just as valid as theirs. I would never tell another woman that she should not change her name when she gets married, because her views are just as correct to her as mine are to me.

He didn’t add my maiden name to his name, no. My choice to change my name in the way I did; he didn’t ask/ expect me to

I’m not sure if I’m a feminist or not. I have simply gone through life making decisions that suit me, show respect, don’t stress anyone out. I don’t wear badges of any kind because I simply don’t think I need them.

I never understand people who act as though something awful will happen if a man takes his wife's surname. One of my cousins on my dad's side is a murderer. My parents are both quite old-fashioned, but my dad took my mum's name so my siblings and I wouldn't be harassed due to our family history. We're in out thirties now and there have never been any problems caused by it.

I see threads on here where people say "On MN everyone's a feminist and keeps their maiden name, but the real world doesn't work like that." Apparently my family isn't actually real!

OP: You mean you would change your middle AND your surname, and your husband would change... nothing? You don't need to give so much of yourself away!

@I would never tell another woman that she should not change her name when she gets married, because her views are just as correct to her as mine are to me."

Not even on a thread about whether or not a women should change her name on marriage?🤣

And it's interesting how often it's feminist opinions that are not to be shared.....

It’s an individual decision. I chose not to change my name 25 years ago. My Dil and stepdaughter have both changed theirs. I call myself Ms, they chose Mrs. My bloke’s first wife still uses his name despite subsequently remarrying so we have the odd situation of the current wife being Ms Nothisname and the ex being Mrs Hisname. It’s frankly bonkers.

@CurlewKate I think you are misunderstanding me. Yes, this thread is asking for opinions. Most people have given their opinions, but Some have told the op what she SHOULD do rather than what they THINK she should do, and others have been extremely scornful towards women who want to change their name when they get married and have made it very clear that think their own view is the right one and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong.

OP is one of those post and runners, but the use of etiquette means she thinks married women have to change their name, otherwise there are social and legal consequences. Many women think this. Just like they think there are common law marriages. But neither is true.

I did change my name to dh’s family name as I wanted us all to have the same name when we eventually decided to have children, I also see it that my original name was my dads name, so whether it’s the same name as my dad or the same name as my dh , it’s still another man’s name I have.

i much prefer my surname now and I’ve had it longer than my original surname.

the best advice is pick whatever surname you want.