Surname etiquette after marriage

[Gc1992]

Please help. My middle name rhymes with my fiancé’s surname so it sounds silly together. Keeping my surname and adding his on as a double-barrelled name also doesn’t sound right. I could change my middle name. Is this unreasonable? I can’t emphasise enough how silly the two names sound together! 😂

i can’t remember a conversation from 17 years ago to be honest. Maybe now I would think differently but I don’t regret that decision.

@User19876536484 Agreed. She can just keep her name.

Why do you wonder why felt like that?

@User19876536484 My guess is because he felt his surname was his surname.

Maybe he did. Is that a problem?

@User19876536484 It's interesting to see that so many men would never dream of changing their surname upon marriage.
So ultimately, what does it signify that conversely so many women are happy to (often without a second thought)?

Go on, tell me. I did have a second thought, but decided to take his name. Guess what? The world didn’t end. I am the same person I always was.

My reasons don’t hold water? 😁 I didn’t like my birth surname, and my dad was a bit of a shit. My married surname is pretty cool and goes much better with my first name, is that ok by you? Am I allowed to choose my own name? Not very feminist of you to deny me the choice!

I kept my name, my DS has my DH name. It has never ever been an issue. It never crossed my mind for a minute to change my name, none of my friend's changed their names, and I'm 60, so not exactly a modern trend. I honestly can't imagine taking a man's name just because I got married, why do that?

@Plamas "I honestly can't imagine taking a man's name just because I got married, why do that?"
I agree with you-although we are in a huge minority!
Why does your child have his father's name?

@Youthiswastedontheyoung "@MissTrip82 So why do women do it?"

Women change their names because, famously, women's names sound ugly, are embarrassing, are hard to spell and aren't really theirs but their father's. Unlike men's names which...oh, hang on....

I don't know any women who have changed their name on marriage. One double barrelled but everyone else, me included, has kept their own name. It seems like it's dying out a bit. So could you not just keep yours?

Just keep your own name. Don’t change 2/3 of your entire name just because you’re getting married.

You don't give a toss about female disempowerment?

Seriously?

How embarrassing for you as a woman to say that. It's like myself coming from a mixed race family saying I don't give a shit about racism.

Just awful.

Threads about surnames always end up with at least one woman getting super defensive about why she changed her name.

Meh.

I have to say reading a woman typing "I don't give a toss about female disempowerment" is a deeply depressing start to Sunday.

We discussed that a lot. Neither of us like double barrelling. My DH has an unusual surname, and due to emigration in his family, felt it could die out where we are from. My side are very fertile and stayed at home! I didn't care as much about this aspect as I did about keeping my own name, so we went with his.

Not sure what you mean by the "very fertile so stayed at home" bit?

That should be "very fertile and stayed at home" and means that there was no risk our surname would die out.

What I meant was, unlike my dh family, we did not emigrate, so there are plenty of us with the surname where we live. Not so for my DH.

Forget women's empowerment if you are so inclined. Just practically speaking, given 50% of marriages end in divorce, it may be smarter to keep your own name. I know someone who is twice divorced, changed her name each time, and my god the paperwork.

I don't really understand why having a name different to your kids is so terrible.

Feminism is about equality of opportunity. It’s not equal that women are expected to do something that men aren’t. That “choice” isn’t made in a vacuum. Your individual choice has impact on those that see you do it. The expectation that women change their names means those of us that don’t frequently have to explain our choices.

Thank goodness that knight in shining armour came to rescue you from your hideous surname (that wasn’t horrendous enough to do a thing about beforehand or for any males with the name to be concerned about). Imagine if he hadn’t and you’d had to live with it forever! The horror!

Of course people can and should make their own choices. But if you're a feminist, you have to acknowledge that some of the choices you make are influenced by a profoundly patriarchal society and are by definition anti feminist. And it's also important not to retrofit rationales. As in "I have always absolutely hated my last name" Not enough to go through the simple and inexpensive process of changing it, though.....

Whatever. My husband just reminded me he did say that he was happy to take my name or double barrel, but I preferred to take his( much better) surname. My mum divorced my dad for DV so I was quite glad to see the back of his name really. If that bothers you, I don’t really care. Feminism to me is about being able to make your own choices in life, YMMV.

You don’t even have to explain yourself to these angry feminists.