Surname etiquette after marriage

[Gc1992]

Please help. My middle name rhymes with my fiancé’s surname so it sounds silly together. Keeping my surname and adding his on as a double-barrelled name also doesn’t sound right. I could change my middle name. Is this unreasonable? I can’t emphasise enough how silly the two names sound together! 😂

Just keep your maiden name or as everyone says don't worry as people hardly ever hear full name

It’s not etiquette, it isn’t rude to keep your own name.

Have any males in your family kept this horrible surname, perchance?

The term “maiden name” keeps us in this perpetual cycle of believing women’s names are temporary and should be chanced upon marriage. Should also be outlawed.

“Just keep your name” “I kept my name” “name since birth” all work equally well.

Do you mean changing your middle name to something completely different - for example you're Sophie Miranda Jones, marrying George Panda, and you're considering switching to Sophie Elizabeth Jones now and Sophie Elizabeth Panda later, just to avoid the rhyme?

If so, I think maybe that's unnecessary. Unless you use your middle every day - people regularly address you as "Sophie Miranda", or you'd introduce yourself that way - I wouldn't worry too much. Ideologically I fall into the "don't change your last name (unless you really hate it)" camp, and I also think it's by far the easiest option just to keep it as is - but everyone's different. Traditionally, some women who changed to their husband's last name at marriage used their own original surname as a middle (for example, Sophie Miranda Jones > Sophie Jones Panda), so if you really want to change your last name to your partner's when you get married that could be an option.

GentleFinch: If you're that much of a feminist then dont even bother getting married. Not sure I agree; the point of feminism is for women to be treated routinely as human beings, just as men are. And plenty of men get married without a lot of handwringing over losing their rights. I think the core issue is structural and systemic inequality based on sex, which infiltrates and perverts all of our social institutions including marriage, rather than the institution of marriage itself. (Also of course not all marriages are cross-sex.)

When would you say your full name to anyone? Hardly ever

I too hate the term maiden name, it serves no purpose except to perpetuate the idea that a female's name is temporary.

I could understand this if it was your first name that would rhyme with your new surname, but who uses their middle name? I don't think there is anyone apart from my husband, daughter, HMRC, and banks who know my middle name. None of my friends or colleagues woukd even know that I've got one let alone what it is.

That is exactly why I changed my name when I got married and have not changed it back.

If you're that much of a feminist then dont even bother getting married.

So you shouldn’t get married if you don’t want to take a man’s name? So depressing that some women perpetuate this rubbish.

Just keep your own name. Simple.

Well I am an only child and my parents divorced so no. I was quite happy to get rid of my late father’s ugly surname. My mum re married so she got rid of it too. My dad’s brothers still have the surname though, he had no sisters.

You can do what ever you want. I have my maiden name as a middle name. BTW, don't pay for a deed poll, just make your own, look up the wording on gov.uk. It doesn't need to be 'enrolled' as places will accept your own version.

It was YOUR surname. Where it came from isn’t relevant.

It clearly wasn’t hideous enough to change before marriage. And your uncles have all managed, despite the spelling issues.

So are you saying she shouldn’t have changed it when she got married?

I’m saying the reasons she’s giving don’t really hold water. And the language she’s using will mean women are primed to change their names rather than really considering why (or why not). All things that menfolk largely aren’t ever expected to give headspace.

i think the only way names should ever be changed is if both parties double barrel or change to a new name chosen by them. Otherwise, keep their own.

Can’t you both just keep your own names. That’s what I did 28 years ago. Even more people do it now.

It’s her personal choice though and not really your place to like or not.

I only know a few people who didn’t take their husband’s name when they got married. Double barrelling mine would be too long and I wouldn’t to have a different name to my children

It's really tedious and rude when people keep bleating on about how they don't believe people who have given their reasons for changing their name. Pathetic really.

I know someone who took his wife's name. Is that an option here?

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat Why does it matter if someone has chosen to take her husband's surname when she gets married - it's her choice to do so, whatever the reason. I took my husband's name when we got married and it never occurred to me not to do so, although we got married in 1980 when it was unusual not to do so. But if I was getting married today, I would do exactly the same, unless he had a truly ridiculous surname. I think the trend for having double barrelled surnames is a bit odd, and have always thought double barrelled names sound very pretentious.

Just keep your name. No idea why so many women still change their name in this day and age 🤷🏻‍♀️

PS I know two couples who combined their own surnames to make a new surname. Would that be an option?

If his surname rhymes with your middle, and you would be prepared to change your middle name anyway, how about adopting his surname in place of your current middle name?

So
Sarah Kirsten Jones
marries Billy Thurston
>> Sarah Thurston Jones

I wouldn’t want to have a different name ti my husband or children, that’s 1 reason. I’m sure there are other reasons