God I said something awful on purpose to my grandfather

[DenimTurtle]

My mum left me in the care of grandparents as a a very young child. My grandparents effectively raised me.

My childhood was awful. Mostly because of my grandfather who was extremely physically abusive - hair pulling, throwing objects, spitting on me to name a few examples. He would make me sleep on the floor as a punishment also. He was very introverted around other adults and I think tried to regain a sense of empowerment by abusing me. The man could just not experience any discomfort without his eyes popping out his head and his whole body puffing up. He was a monster.

Anyway, I left the country as soon as I could.

I returned recently and at the request of my grandmother went to see my grandfather at the retirement home he know lives.

He leads a sad life. Sitting in a chair all day and watching tv.

When I saw him he started getting angry over something minuscule. He started the whole routine of his face going red and I just said “I’ve had enough of this, thank God you’ll probably be dead the next time I’m in England. I can’t stand you”. I touched on how pathetic he and his life was.

Trust me I am a nice person. I donate around £300 each month to charity. I give neighbours kids’ a lift when I can. I just snapped.

Just needed to get off my chest.

I think you might have been better not going to see him at all.

You are allowed to be rude to your abuser. You are allowed to tell him how you feel.

You did nothing wrong.

Sounds like he deserved it.

Well I don't blame you at all.

Serves him right. Don't go and see him again.

Why did you go to see him in the first place?

What did he reply? Sounds like he more
than deserved it. Everything he did to you was appalling. Spitting FFS. Who the fuck spits at another person least of all their grandchild?

What was your grandmother doing during your childhood? Did she not protect you from him at all? How did she treat you?
I feel it was unreasonable of her to ask you to go and see him.
I don't blame you at all for what you said to him given the way he treated you as a child.

This, 100%, all day and every day, @DenimTurtle!

Sounds fair. If he can give it out, he can take it.

Think of it as a cathartic experience and move on. He deserved to be confronted with how his abuse has affected you.

I think your nastiness was understandable - has it made you feel better? Does he know how you feel about your awful upbringing? Have you made that clear to him?

He should be thankful you said that to his face.

If you'd have said the reason why to the police he'd be in a jail cell right now and not a comfy chair in a retirement home.

No, don't feel bad. You said some hurtful truths to him but it's payback for the abuse you endured as a vulnerable child.

You feel bad because you have a conscience, his shame is that he still thinks he can intimidate you. Today he learned a hard lesson.

Do not bother to visit him again. Grandmother should be ashamed of herself for asking.

She was very much my protector, she would beg my grandad to stop when he was on a rampage. She was stuck in the marriage - no job and no money. But she very much had battered wife syndrome. I saw her getting hit around 10 times when the huge arguments escalated. I’m sure my grandmother only stayed for my sake.

No I feel sick to my stomach.

I said this on the way out and could hear him sobbing.

Don't reflect on him sobbing, reflect on how you have struck a blow back for the poor little child who was bullied. He had no care for your tears as a child. But perhaps better not to visit him again.

Better an old man sobbing about the consequences of his own behaviour than an innocent child sobbing about her grandfather's abuse.

I'm sure he saw and heard you sobbing numerous times, while you were a child.
It obviously didn't make him feel guilty or remorseful.
I'm waving pom poms in celebration of you finally getting to say your piece.

That must make you feel really uncomfortable, OP, because you're a good person. Your grandfather is not. I bet he wasn't sobbing with remorse for what he put you and your grandmother through, it was purely self pity.

Don't be too hard on yourself, his behaviour on your visit triggered that reaction. He obviously hasn't changed much.

Hugs.

You feel something because you have empathy, which he clearly completely lacks. That's why you feel bad because he cried. Frankly, he needed to be told because his behaviour was appalling, and now he's old and knackered and can't mistreat you anymore. Whenever you feel a pang of guilt for what you said, remember it was very much justified given what he did to you.

Don't feel guilty but look after yourself and seek some counselling.

You don't have to go to see him again, whatever your Grandma says.

Good for you. He sounds awful.

He deserved it and deserved some home truths. I hope you're ok OP