God I said something awful on purpose to my grandfather

[DenimTurtle]

My mum left me in the care of grandparents as a a very young child. My grandparents effectively raised me.

My childhood was awful. Mostly because of my grandfather who was extremely physically abusive - hair pulling, throwing objects, spitting on me to name a few examples. He would make me sleep on the floor as a punishment also. He was very introverted around other adults and I think tried to regain a sense of empowerment by abusing me. The man could just not experience any discomfort without his eyes popping out his head and his whole body puffing up. He was a monster.

Anyway, I left the country as soon as I could.

I returned recently and at the request of my grandmother went to see my grandfather at the retirement home he know lives.

He leads a sad life. Sitting in a chair all day and watching tv.

When I saw him he started getting angry over something minuscule. He started the whole routine of his face going red and I just said “I’ve had enough of this, thank God you’ll probably be dead the next time I’m in England. I can’t stand you”. I touched on how pathetic he and his life was.

Trust me I am a nice person. I donate around £300 each month to charity. I give neighbours kids’ a lift when I can. I just snapped.

Just needed to get off my chest.

He's only sobbing because he has lost all his power to hurt you- and that is literal torture for a narcissist. Dont make the mistake of thinking this is his guilt, it isnt. He is upset and the tears are because he isnt physically able to punish you like he used to and that kills him.

He's crying for himself, not you.

Good for you for telling him the truth.

Fuck him - he 's always been abusive to you & won't change now. No excuses. I feel for you OP suggest that you get some counselling & move on. Good luck darling X

You stood up for yourself. Whatever he was crying about, whether shock at what you said or sadness that you said it, he was crying for himself and not for you. His feelings aren't your responsibility. You reap what you sow. I hope it was cathartic for you and helps you heal from his abuse.

I hope the care him don't treat him like a kindly old man... Karma is indeed a thing... When my exh died I felt an actual darkness lift....
This will hopefully be the same for you op.

Good for you. Well done

He's sobbing for himself - not for the little child he repeatedly brutalised.

Tend to that little part of you who is feeling misdirected and internalised shame and guilt - tell her its rage and anger that needs to be expressed.

There were a lot of adults - your DM and your DGM who didnt protect/remove you as a child from this violent monster - and still pushing you to see him - no wonder you were retraumatised - it was the fight trauma instinct coming through now that was repressed for decades.

I hope you can find professional support to heal.

He sobbed because it was true.

Oh love. He abused you. Sustainedly. And even now he started getting angry at you for no reason. It is absolutely understandable that this triggered you into fight of flight mode. And finally, after all these years, that's what you did: verbally fight back against your abuser. The blame is on him.

This.

You were finally able to show him you're not a small child he can abuse now and I'm glad you told him off.

I was estranged from my adoptive mother for over 30 yrs when my brother called to say she was dying and I should come see her. I did go to the hospital and she became very agitated when she realized it was me. I lied and told her I loved her, gave her a little peck, turned around and left.

Her agitation was bc she finally couldn't control me, couldn't lie about me, she was finally the one on the wrong foot.

She died a few days later and I felt nothing. Shitty people do eventually get their just reward, you provided that to your grandfather the monster. I hope he cries every miserable day left of his life, he can cry and cry and lie to the staff wiping his sorry ass all day long while you live your happy life, hopefully surrounded by people who love you and treat you with care, love and common fucking decency. 💝

This.
Daughter of a narcissist mother.

And how many times did he walk out to the sound of your sobbing? Unfortunately bullies seldom change however old they get.

I think you should’ve shouted about all the awful things he did to you as a child, so that everyone in that care home knows he is a child abuser. Then hopefully he’ll be at the bottom of the list when it comes to receiving care

Just because someone gets old doesn’t mean they aren’t an abusive asshole. YANBU.

His tears are only for himself.
He would have seen and heard you crying many times as a child but he didn't alter his behaviour.
He is reaping a fraction of what he has sown.

A completely understandable response. You've done nothing wrong.

If you're feeling awful about it and you think it would make you feel better, you could write him a letter. You don't necessarily have to send it.

It's ok to feel conflicted. It's ok to remember good times, and it's ok to simultaneously despise him for what he did to you and your grandmother. Our feelings towards abusive caregivers are often extremely complicated.

It's easy for people to say never visit /speak to him again, but they're not the ones who have to live with the feelings that come with that, only you do. So leave things in whatever way you feel most comfortable with, regardless of what anybody else thinks.

The evil monster can sob. Pathetic creature that he is!!

Be kind to yourself OP. You were a little girl. He deserved your vitriol and a whole lot more anguish besides. May he rot away in his lonely chair.

God for you. Not as severe but I told my grandmother that I would not be manipulated by her anymore and would only contact her when she apologised. She died 6 months later.

You are not a bad person. Truthfully, I think you were nice if that's all you said to him. Let's face it, child abusers deserve to be in prison. He's lucky he's not.

I pride myself on not stooping to the same level as my abusers, so I agree with you @Tink3rbell30. And good for you for standing your ground. I often find myself crumbling when I am targeted by people who don't agree with me on MN.

I also feel op should forgive herself - her remorse and sensitivity are a testimony to the fact that gf did not destroy her spirit or good character.

He deserves it. Anyone who abuses children like that deserves to die alone.

Yes this was my point, it was unnecessary. I wouldn't back down to sheep trying to police a post and move people along 😂 don't let anyone crumble you when you've got an opinion.

@Tink3rbell30
If you don't think speaking your truth to your abuser has value then off you trot

The OP may feel awkward now because she is not used to speaking harshly but I'll put money on her feeling empowered and having spoken up for her younger self in the future.

Awful young people become awful old people.
Don’t be persuaded to visit again and don’t feel guilty.

Good for you! You should have said more.