God I said something awful on purpose to my grandfather

[DenimTurtle]

My mum left me in the care of grandparents as a a very young child. My grandparents effectively raised me.

My childhood was awful. Mostly because of my grandfather who was extremely physically abusive - hair pulling, throwing objects, spitting on me to name a few examples. He would make me sleep on the floor as a punishment also. He was very introverted around other adults and I think tried to regain a sense of empowerment by abusing me. The man could just not experience any discomfort without his eyes popping out his head and his whole body puffing up. He was a monster.

Anyway, I left the country as soon as I could.

I returned recently and at the request of my grandmother went to see my grandfather at the retirement home he know lives.

He leads a sad life. Sitting in a chair all day and watching tv.

When I saw him he started getting angry over something minuscule. He started the whole routine of his face going red and I just said “I’ve had enough of this, thank God you’ll probably be dead the next time I’m in England. I can’t stand you”. I touched on how pathetic he and his life was.

Trust me I am a nice person. I donate around £300 each month to charity. I give neighbours kids’ a lift when I can. I just snapped.

Just needed to get off my chest.

Op it was brave of you to say what you did. I’m also waving pom-poms and I hope you never have to see the evil fucker ever again. And if you do, I hope you say a great deal more to him. I think anyone who doesn’t feel the greatest amount of sympathy for you is either someone who has never ever experienced this sort of trauma and therefore can’t begin to put themself in your shoes, or someone who is emotionally very thick. Probably both.

it takes a lot of grit to do what you did. Adult abusers, in my experience at least, condition the abused to be ever so good, and oooo to feel ever so bad if we stick up for ourselves or speak out. Well done op, you are EVER SO GOOD to have said something to him. Through your thread, and the many brilliant responses, you have also made me feel a whole lot better about a similar relationship in my life, and my reaction to it.

I hope those bad feelings disappear by tomorrow morning. You have done nothing wrong at all, in fact you have done something right here, and you are a good person. Every good karma vibe coming your way; after all, karma is about present acts impacting the future, isn’t it.

Yep that’s right why don’t we all send flowers to all the elderly pedos, rapists, abusers and murders bc after all they’re just poor old men who need someone to wipe their arse for them.

what the actual fuck is this website honestly.

I am really serious if the person in question is old as in senile-old, crumbling-old, hands trembling may not be able to feed themselves soon or already can't... rather than 'old' as in their 60s and a bit creaky. The abuse is no longer happening. And very old age makes us not who we were. Hurt people hurt people. The whole thing about flashbacks is that they force the past into the present. Being triggered is an excuse but 'revenge' on an old person is no kind of triumph. The cycle must break. The OP sounds upset. And like she's evolving out of the revenge dynamic trap that so many of you are exulting in. I truly wish her well and better.

So one outburst to her abusive grandfather who tormented and abused her for years when she was a child makes her as bad as him?

That's some fucked up thinking. Your lack of kindness and empathy is staggering.

No, I'm saying make one kind gesture, from a safe distance, to draw a line in one very particular case, when the OP who's been genuinely and terribly hurt as a child needs to find peace with her past. Revenge doesn't bring peace! And being really really old is terrible. I didn't understand how terrible till the last few years of seeing some family members (yes including directly abusive ones) age.

Actually, you were brave. I'm still uncompromisingly polite to my abuser, and with each false appeasement a little more of me dies. What you said may have been a spontaneous outburst, but it came out because you've worked hard to build an identity removed from that child he hurt. Well done to you.

You feel guilty because you have a form of Stockholm syndrome. Like me, you grew up knowing that your abuser and his feelings were the most important thing in the world, and that it was your job to moderate your behaviour to keep him even. So now you reflexively feel responsible for his sadness. We both know that you aren't. I don't have any answers or solutions, because you're already way braver than me.

Just, don't feel bad. And get some therapy.

I hope for these particular monsters it is terrible and I certainly would not be showing them kindness.

@Mebebecat

Calling an arsehole an arsehole doesn't turn into elder abuse just because the arsehole is old.

HTH.

Being old and dependent on carers doesn't wipe the slate clean for a child abuser who abused and tormented his grand-daughter for years.

I can't believe that you are telling OP to send him a card and present to show off to other service users. Show off about what exactly? That he managed to abuse his grand-daughter for years with zero consequences?

You sound sorry for the old monster. Please do not make the OP feel more guilty. She should feel no guilt at all.

Oh my god, are you serious? She shouted at him once after years of abuse and torment when she was a child. It wasn't elder abuse at all! She reacted to him losing his temper. He should be in prison for what he did to the OP.

@DenimTurtle many well put words here. I just wanted to add that my gran died a year ago this month. My mum has badly suffered the last year with all the things she didn’t say. She felt she left it too late, didn’t want to say anything when she was old and weak. She’s gone and here is my mum still really struggling, maybe by getting it off your chest you have saved yourself from that regret. I hope so.
Im sure he was sobbing now, he is vulnerable and weak and knows that really if anyone he treated badly wanted to they could overpower him easily.

It's a fucking joke isn't it?

Another poster (LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain) has suggested that she sends him a present and a card to apologise and another (Mebebecat) has accused her of elder abuse. What the fuck is wrong with people?

OP needs to forgive herself , end of. As for that old cunt, I hope he dies a horrible death alone, or even better is getting abused by the staff at the home, NOW THAT, would be poetic justice.

You're misreading my posts. I'm sorry.
The OP clearly is feeling guilty and I'm hoping she'll feel less so. Without having to dance preemptively on anyone's grave.
How much time have you spent in care homes and so on or with properly geriatric people? 'Showing off' a card means that someone remembers you're not dead, someone in the outside world. It matters humanly. Like in prison. I'm not saying any slate is wiped clean. I'm saying that unmerited kindness can be a healing way of saying goodbye. For the OP. Goodbye to the whole past of mess.

Dear God
I'm going to hide this thread
Why would you want care home staff to be abusers, to have had the experiences that turn people into abusers?!
Get out of your little war games worlds and go do some social work

I literally cannot understand your point of view. It sounds like happy clappy bollocks to me. Why on earth would you recommend that the OP makes a kind gesture to her abuser? He made her childhood a total misery. Getting really really old does not absolve him of his crimes and maybe his suffering is poetic justice as he never received the actual justice through the criminal justice system that he deserved.

@LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain

It's understandable you wanted to say your say, but it reignited an abusive dynamic. Can you grit your teeth and send him a card and flowers or cologne -- something he can 'show off' to the other service users, without you having to be present or involved.

Would you say this if the abuse had been sexual?

Just because someone is old does not mean they are nice or absolved from any prior abusive behaviour. You have every right to be upset towards him and please do not feel bad. You were mistreated. Don’t give him another thought. I hope you have managed to have a happy life away from him OP.

I couldn't give a fuck what experiences leads to a man abusing a young girl, to be brutally honest.

Some folk are just plain fucking evil. I'll say it again, if there was ever a candidate for elder abuse, its this evil fucker.

You really need to stop now. This is despicable.

He wasn't sobbing because he was sorry for what he did. He was sobbing only for himself. You're projecting your own emotions and thoughts onto him. He was about to kick off again so he clearly wasn't at all sorry for what he did and you shouldn't feel bad.

Just because he is old that doesn't suddenly excuse all his bad behaviour.
He must know what he did was wrong .
If anything it's much worse to be an adult and abuse a child. Which is what he did .
You shouldn't feel any guilt

I don’t know whether it’s social media or something else. But something has made some people think they can say whatever they like and not consider the consequences. Like they don’t have that part of their brain that stops and considers whether what they are about to say (on a stupid fucking parents forum that they don’t actually have to comment on) is going to cause great pain to someone. Evidently, these people think that what they’ve got to say is so incredibly important that the feelings of someone who was abused as a child and is in pain, don’t matter.

I really cannot pretend to understand these people. I do hope there are some posters on this thread who are pretty ashamed of themselves at this moment. Sadly, I doubt that’s the case.

Please, please do. You are being deeply offensive.

There are some crazy replies to your post OP. I’m sorry, I’m sure that’s the last thing you need.

You had a visceral reaction to your abuser and you said what you felt at that moment. It’s completely understandable and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. If your GF had been a kind and loving parent figure your visit would have been very different, he created this dynamic.

I’d like to quote Gisèle Pelicot here because it’s such an empowering statement for any kind of abuse victim “The shame must change sides” .

Treat yourself with the loving compassion that your family did not provide you with when you were little. You might find some EMDR therapy helpful to process this and also your childhood.