God I said something awful on purpose to my grandfather

[DenimTurtle]

My mum left me in the care of grandparents as a a very young child. My grandparents effectively raised me.

My childhood was awful. Mostly because of my grandfather who was extremely physically abusive - hair pulling, throwing objects, spitting on me to name a few examples. He would make me sleep on the floor as a punishment also. He was very introverted around other adults and I think tried to regain a sense of empowerment by abusing me. The man could just not experience any discomfort without his eyes popping out his head and his whole body puffing up. He was a monster.

Anyway, I left the country as soon as I could.

I returned recently and at the request of my grandmother went to see my grandfather at the retirement home he know lives.

He leads a sad life. Sitting in a chair all day and watching tv.

When I saw him he started getting angry over something minuscule. He started the whole routine of his face going red and I just said “I’ve had enough of this, thank God you’ll probably be dead the next time I’m in England. I can’t stand you”. I touched on how pathetic he and his life was.

Trust me I am a nice person. I donate around £300 each month to charity. I give neighbours kids’ a lift when I can. I just snapped.

Just needed to get off my chest.

I worry this has made you feel worse so id seek counselling

Not pointless, even though the OP regrets it because she is a nice person. It's time someone stood up to that bully and gave him a few home truths. Even if he doesn't feel any remorse, he has been given a very small taste of his own medicine.

Karma is definitely real and it does sound she's regretting her actions.

In time I hope you’ll be proud of yourself

Firstly I would take a great bet that you don’t understand what the real concept of karma is. Secondly, if your version of karma is real, that it’s the grandfather who’s faced it, not the op awaiting it.

Just because abusers are frail and old now doesn't mean they're not still evil people.

My grandfather was physically and emotionally abusive to my gran, mum and me. He was an alcoholic and made lives misery. To those outside the family he was a lovely man. He wasn't, he was a thief and a violent cruel man out for himself.

He developed dementia and eventually had to go into a care home (he'd expected us to let him move in with us and care for him when he couldnt live alone. We had cared for him at his home after my lovely gran died for 15 years but had the distance of always being able to walk away when it got too much and go home.

He had an awful social worker who fought hard about letting him go into full time care, even when it was obvious to anyone that it was the next step.

It was like a whole new world when a carer saw and was visibly shocked at hearing how he spoke to us and seeing what he tried to do to us when he didn't know she was in the doorway. (despite the dementia they got the fake front like those outside the house.) she told us that just because they are family we don't have to visit and be the 'bigger person' and put ourselves in that position every time. The social worker had worn us down further telling us that we had a duty of care and she would report us to the police if we walked away like we had threatened after one particularly awful event.

Tldr: he's not your problem. The only thing you "have" to do for him is to arrange of the legal disposal of his body when he dies. Don't put yourself through hell.

Well done for telling him how you felt.

Please don't feel bad - as far as I'm concerned he's got away lightly. I wouldn't bother seeing him again. And as for his tears they're probably for himself, not for the way he treated you. Wishing you all the best - look after yourself - you are a good person x

There's no such thing as karma.

It's fine to wish that evil people were dead.

It's not the same situation at all but I did very similar to my stepdad when he was very ill in a care home. I felt I needed to get it off my chest but it turned out to be the last time I saw him before he died shortly afterwards. I have always felt shit about having done that.

What you went through was unacceptable but I sort of feel it us us lowering ourselves to their level and I very much doubt they are having a wail of a time in their final days which in itself is almost karmic perhaps.

There is no right answer, just something you have to make peace with. It's done now, you've got it off your chest, you can't unsay it. It's up to you whether you decide to repair or let sleeping dogs lie.

What she said is infinitesimal in comparison, even if karma was a real thing (it isn't), it wouldn't even tip the balance, so you can stop clutching pearls now.

There is but it's personal choice if you believe or what your limits are/what you're happy dishing out. She asked for opinions, not all will tell her she was in the right.

Everyone has a breaking point OP and I understand what a complicated relationship like this can look like. I think when someone grows old we are expected to somehow take them as they are now and not remember the cruelty they showed us as children. Especially if scattered in the midst of the cruelty were moments of happiness/kindness.

As another PP pointed out, he will have witnessed you sobbing as a child and paid no care or attention, so I do not think you should feel guilty for what you said.

I think perhaps this has probably shown though that exposing yourself to someone who played such a deeply traumatic part of your life is probably not good for you and should be avoided. You do not owe him anything. You are an adult now and not beholden to him like you were when you were a child.

He was a child abuser OP.
A child abuser.

Don’t let his crocodile tears make you feel bad. If he felt sorry he’s had your whole adult life to apologise.

How do you breathe with your head stuck so far up your own ass?

Good for you, Op! If I’d had the chance to tell my stepfather, who abused me as a child, how I felt about him, well… most would think I, too, am a monster. 👏🏼👏🏼

sending you big hugs dear xx

You told him the truth, nothing wrong in that. I hope you've gone on to.live a happy life after such a dreadful start in.life.

No, it isn't.

Jog on.

If you believe in karma. what will karma for the OP's grandfather, the child abuser, look like?

Came back to say…make sure you include that in his eulogy.

Ok so you visited him. You got that off your chest at long last. Now you need never visit the miserable old fucker again.

It is but up to you if you believe and what you're happy to say and do to others. She asked for opinions, not all will tell her she was in the right. You don't get to police the post, anyone can comment as much as they like.

Whole heartedly agree with this!

He may have already had it, we don't know.

Agreed

You did nothing wrong, I am sure he heard you sobbing as a child, I am also sure he heard your grandmother sob too.

Dont feel any guilt, he clearly doesn’t