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Original poster

For us all to miss family wedding

593 replies

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 07:51

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

OP posts:
Simonjt · 23/10/2024 07:54

Why can’t your husband go on his own, or take the toddler while you stay at home?

Allfur · 23/10/2024 07:54

Cant you just go a day earlier so you get some rest before wedding

HoppingPavlova · 23/10/2024 07:56

and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding

You say the wedding is overseas. If you are due a few weeks before I doubt you’d be able to get a note to fly and even if so probably couldn’t get insurance coverage. It would be a big no from me.

SunsetSkylane · 23/10/2024 07:58

Your husband should go.

WhiteRose222 · 23/10/2024 07:59

I did similar to you.

My brother got married abroad and we were all set to go until I fell pregnant. I was still going to go but my pregnancy also got complicated/was high risk and it was too close to the due date for my consultant to be happy for me to fly (and to a hot country).

So we stayed home. I was gutted but I explained to my brother and he understood.

I'm sorry your family aren't being as supportive. I think they are being unreasonable in this instance.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 23/10/2024 08:01

People have a right to get married where they like they do not have a right to expect everyone to attend.

Ellerby83 · 23/10/2024 08:02

Well you can't go if you are due a few weeks before so I would tell them about the pregnancy.

thenoldmrsrabbit · 23/10/2024 08:02

I know everyone feels differently about when to announce a pregnancy. I told people straight away, but that was because I felt comfortable doing so.

In my opinion it is obviously the pregnancy, not the toddler that is the issue here. There is no way I would have gone abroad 2 weeks before baby is due.

If you don't tell them about your pregnancy they will feel that you prefer to miss sibling's wedding rather than sort out travelling with toddler.

I would tell them about pregnancy and say that it's just not feasible and while you would have preferred to wait to announce that you didn't want them thinking that not attending the wedding was down to something else.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 23/10/2024 08:02

I think you should tell the sibling about the pregnancy, because with just there being a toddler, there’s solutions available, but given you may have only given birth a few weeks before (and remember second babies can be later than 1st were), you are unlikely to have been able to register the birth and got the baby a birth certificate yet.

do tell the sibling that you don’t want the pregnancy to be public knowledge yet but want them to understand you aren’t being difficult, you logistically can’t go - even if you were well enough to travel, you’d be trying to sort a passport for the new baby with only a couple of weeks to go, not something you can reliably plan to do.

Edenmum2 · 23/10/2024 08:04

Get DH to take toddler, you might be relieved for some peace when time comes

MimiSunshine · 23/10/2024 08:04
  1. Travelling all day from the early hours to arriving at midnight, not even considering that delays are very much likely at some point. To then attend a wedding so he up and getting ready within a few hours of arriving. That’s a no.
  2. doing all of that with a toddler. That’s a no.
  3. Doing all of that with a newborn. After a straight forward birth, it’s a no. But what if it’s not a straight forward birth? Definitely a no. And what about passports and any possible travel inoculations the baby would need?

DH could possibly go alone but would be unreasonable to do so if it means leaving you at home with a newborn and a toddler.

while it’s understandable that the sibling wants the wedding where it is, they have to accept that you can’t go and no I wouldn’t be disclosing the pregnancy until you’re ready.

heldinadream · 23/10/2024 08:04

WhiteRose222 · 23/10/2024 07:59

I did similar to you.

My brother got married abroad and we were all set to go until I fell pregnant. I was still going to go but my pregnancy also got complicated/was high risk and it was too close to the due date for my consultant to be happy for me to fly (and to a hot country).

So we stayed home. I was gutted but I explained to my brother and he understood.

I'm sorry your family aren't being as supportive. I think they are being unreasonable in this instance.

But they don't know she's pregnant yet?
The question in the post is whether she should tell them early so that they have all the facts in order to understand.
@apothecarist I think just tell them, then you can have a proper dialogue about what's best. At the moment they are reacting to a situation that isn't what they think it is.

saraclara · 23/10/2024 08:05

You have to tell them about the pregnancy. It rules it out as you probably won't be allowed to fly.

Of course the sibling is hurt. Not coming because of a toddler isn't really an excuse. Not going because you're about to give birth, is.

Explain that you didn't mention it initially, because it felt too early to make the announcement. And if your DH can go alone, all the better.

2Old2Tango · 23/10/2024 08:05

If I had really strong support from close family (eg my own parents) then I'd encourage my husband to go on his own for a siblings wedding if he'll only be gone 2-3 days. If it's a good few weeks after your due date then you should have had the baby before the wedding so he won't miss the birth.

If no support then I wouldn't want him gone if you have a toddler to look after too. You never know if you may end up with a C section. It wouldn't be a good idea to take the toddler with those logistics as the child will be tired and grumpy.

I would confide in DH parents and sister about the pregnancy and ask them to not share your news further until you're ready.

GiraffeTree · 23/10/2024 08:07

Yes you should definitely tell them about the pregnancy so that they are more understanding.

saraclara · 23/10/2024 08:08

Iwantmyoldnameback · 23/10/2024 08:01

People have a right to get married where they like they do not have a right to expect everyone to attend.

This is true, but when a sibling gives a fairly pathetic reason not to go, there's going to be hurt.

The sibling needs to know the real reason.

Clearinguptheclutter · 23/10/2024 08:08

I think come clean about the pregnancy.

Consider sending dh by himself, perhaps with the toddler. But a definite no for you.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 23/10/2024 08:09

I do understand not telling people about a pregnancy until you are ready, but realistically you will potentially cause a lot of upset in the family because it just looks like you aren’t prepared to try, when the reality you can’t go. When you do finally tell them, the damage to your dh and his siblings relationship might be done.

Just take them into your confidence- but tell them clearly it’s not to be shared with anyone else.

it’s not that you don’t want to go, you can’t. (Passport, being fit to fly etc)

VioletCrawleyForever · 23/10/2024 08:09

DH should go on his on but totally reasonable for you and bump and toddler to stay at home.

redorangeye110w · 23/10/2024 08:11

Yea if possible, dh can go with toddler. Maybe a day early. Not easy for you with a tiny baby but maybe only for a few days

Suzuki70 · 23/10/2024 08:12

Maybe too much time on Mumsnet but if I were the B&G, knowing you have one toddler and with 40-odd weeks to the wedding, I'd have read between the lines.

coffeesaveslives · 23/10/2024 08:12

DH should take the toddler, you stay home and rest.

Wellingtonspie · 23/10/2024 08:13

I think you should tell them or very soon tell them.

I also don’t think that just dh goes either because depending on those “couple” of weeks you could still be pregnant overdue or just even the day before or two given birth.

quoque · 23/10/2024 08:15

I think you have to come clean with the brother about why, because otherwise it looks like a snub and is very hurtful. Dh & toddler can go - you’ll be fine without him for a few days, but not if he leaves the toddler to you as well.

Is there any particular for only travelling the day before? I would definitely go at least two days earlier so that the day before the wedding is chill. If I was DH I would definitely be giving myself & toddler a bit of room to manoeuvre (and rest).

ememem84 · 23/10/2024 08:15

So you’re pregnant and due two weeks before the wedding date?

Ignore the toddler travel for a second. You may still be pregnant. Might have a 2 week old. Might have a 4 week old (if they come 2 weeks early).

passport for baby? That’s not going to arrive on time. Birth complications?

id tell them no. And maybe tell the b&g only why you can’t go.