For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

I think it would be a pity for your DH to miss the wedding. Would it be at all possible for a relative /close friend of yours to stay home with you for a few days while he’s away? Then you’d have the support you need.

You don't owe anyone a reason, no is a complete sentence.

They'll get over it. No one should be expected to attend an (overseas) wedding.

I hate being invited to weddings as it's just not how I want to spend my annual leave/weekends. For some reason there's always an expectation to attend unless you absolutely can't. Why is 'I don't want to/it doesn't work for me' not acceptable? People are very entitled and honestly with how big most weddings are I doubt your presence would be missed.

Congrats on your pregnancy xx

They're rude but a toddler is a poor excuse for missing a sibling's wedding. I would disclose your pregnancy to the sibling and ask them to keep it quiet.

You as a family do not have to go, and you should not be feeling pressure to tell them about the pregnancy. It's horrible to have this grumpiness put on you by them, really unkind. Just build a bubble and ignore them for now.

OP, your options are as follows:

OP - there is no way you can go. You will either be overdue and unable to fly or have a newborn baby without a passport so, again, unable to fly.

Toddler - should be with Dad because Mum is post c-section with a newborn.

Dad - could travel with the toddler to the wedding. But then he would be away from his wife and newborn baby for up to a week. While his wife is recovering from major surgery. With a newborn. And travelling with a toddler on his own. nobody in their mind would want to do that.

OP - YANBU but I think you will have to tell your BIL about your pregnancy earlier than planned to avoid drama.

By applying for one.. it takes less than a week usually.

I am not saying the new mum should plan a trip, but a passport is not the issue here.

You say you are due a few weeks before the weddings. I would just tell the brother and ask him to keep it under his hat until you are ready to tell everyone else. Baby might be late - both mine were 16 days late - you might not even have had it by the wedding and would certainly be too young to travel with - he will understand.

You can't book a wedding abroad and expect everyone to fork out and take time off work for a holiday. They should be expecting some people won't be able to go

If there's only one flight a week then they have chosen a location that is exceptionally difficult for their guests to get to and will require a fairly lengthy stay. I would baulk at the assumption that we could afford to spend our money and finite annual leave allowance in this way, even if I wasn't pregnant.

It sounds like the bride lives in the UK and all the groom's family live in the UK. When your families are from different countries (as is the case for DH and me) it will always be inconvenient for some people but we chose the location that was the least inconvenient for the largest number of people.

When was the last time you applied for a first passport for a newborn baby?

You have to register the birth first. You'll need at least a week to get an appointment to do that. Assuming you're up to doing that within 7 days of giving birth, then you need to send off for the passport, which could take 2 weeks if you're lucky. So the passport arrives when? The day of the wedding? A couple of days before or even after? So they either book tickets and accommodation and cross fingers that the passport will come in time, risking losing £££ if it doesn't. Or they wait til the last minute to try to book flights and accommodation with barely days to get there in time. Come on. Why would any parents put themselves that with a newborn?

Sometimes it's not about convenience. DHs family and friends are largely unable to get visas to travel to the UK. We choose to forego a wedding for this reason. Not everyone has the choices a British passport holder has.

@apothecarist Don't tell anyone you're pregnant until you are comfortable telling them. Let them huff if they want to. They can apologise for being dicks about it when you have your baby days before the wedding.

B&G chose to have a wedding in a country where one family is & made it difficult for the other family from the UK to travel to get there, that's on them to suck up that people won't be able to make it for various reasons and no one owes anyone their attendance at a wedding in a foreign country. Not everyone even has passports.

Husband's responsibility is to his children before sibling. Taking a toddler to a wedding around a bunch of people they don't know when a new baby has just arrived at home might not be the dream scenario either.

when I had mine 😁

HTH

I doubt I would go to a wedding with a once a week flight even without a toddler and a newborn tbh. What if you needed to get back quickly in an emergency, ill parents or similar?

People who book far flung inconvenient venues just have to accept a lot of declines. It isn't the end of the world.

No but I would be very surprised if there wasn’t another way to get there. Ferry , train etc to nearest airport. Where there is a will there is a way. Unless it’s a very remote island but I wouldn’t imagine this is the case

Some of the comments here are absolutely batshit and I honestly pity some of you for having what must be shit men in your lives.

When you have a newborn, that's your priority right there. If your wife has had a section you should be looking after her, and caring for your new baby and toddler. A wedding really isn't that important at all. Taking several days out to go abroad for the wedding within a couple of weeks of your baby being born is just a no. The husband doesn't even want to do it, as he's the one who's declined the invite so why would anyone encourage him to do the wrong thing?!

I don't think you should have to tell anyone before you're ready to. You've been invited and declined. That's that. Other people who don't like it will just have to not like it until you're ready for them to have your full reasoning. I think if people choose to get married abroad they have to accept that some people will decline.

Ok, I was “suck it up” until you said you would have a few week old new baby.

Don’t Mention any of your other reasons, about it being awkward etc.

you will have a new baby.

you can’t book tickets until their passport arrives. and if it’s in the first 6 weeks after birth I think it would be a challenge to get one.

it would be unreasonable for you to solo parent both kids, and frankly that wedding even if it was in the UK would be hard work.

oh please.

The bride is getting married at home, where she grew up. Only on MN is that an outrageous concept.

The brother telling them he can't be bothered to go because of flight arrangement sounds incredibly rude and I don't blame the sibling to be upset. That's not what normal people do! Travelling with a toddler is not a big deal either, it's nowhere near as relaxing as travelling without, but it's not that hard.

Only on MN are people so against weddings, there's no such drama in real life.

Explaining that his wife is due to have a c-section around the wedding puts an entirely different light to the problem. But the bride and groom are not mind readers!

It's a big difference between "I can't" and the current "I can't be bothered".

What's this about not being able to fly? NHS advice is two weeks.
OP tell them about the pregnancy. If the scrutiny gets a bit much tell them to back off!

I’m not making assumptions, I’m making a suggestion. If she has nine who can help (I think lots of people would have, especially as a one off) the the suggestion isn’t relevant. If we can only suggest things that we think are applicable to 100% of people then it would be a pretty useless thread, surely?

I completely agree with you here. I would love to know where exactly this wedding venue is.

This is a straightforward balancing act between how likely the sibling is to be upset at the toddler excuse and how important it is to you to keep the early pregnancy secret. If all goes well (good luck!) you’ll be able to tell the truth in 12 weeks. Do you think sibling might not forgive you when they eventually learn the truth? That would be quite an extreme reaction.

She can't fly and leave the baby at home though can she?!

I don't think that your brothers wedding is the exact day to centre your child's needs over everything else.

Want to come to our wedding?
No thanks, we have a child, you see.

Nah.

The extreme Rea took might be because so many people are saying no to travelling due to the logistics.

But tell them. If I was them it might be enough to have a full rethink of wedding plans, even if it did mean losing a bit of the deposit money.