For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

YANBU.

Anyone who chooses to marry in a country most guests have to fly to must expect some won't make it.

But I would think it fine for your DH to attend if you have some home help while he is away.

I’m usually very much just go, but in your case I think it would be daft. YANBU

i don’t think your DH should go either, unless he’s desperate to, but it’s just not good timing.

Hopefully they will understand when you tell them about the pregnancy

Also, my DS was two weeks late, so that would be a problem!

but most people don't put their life on hold until their child is 18.

The pregnancy is a completely different issue, but it's weird and very unusual to refuse to travel because you have child.

Travelling is fantastic for a toddler, so much to discover and get excited about.
It's good for them.

Yes, it's tiring, but it's actually less tiring than entertaining them at home.

This would be really easy for me - don’t go. DH could go IF you have a good support network around you. You have absolutely no idea how this pregnancy is going to go, when baby will come, what your recovery will be like, how much help you’ll need.

You should tell them why though, ask them not to tell anyone but be prepared that they might.

They have chosen to have the wedding in a country only one of their families lives in which is fine but because of their choice they need to understand that not everyone from the other side of the family will be able to make it, for all sorts of reasons. More so if there is actually only one flight a week there.

I have seen “having a caesarean a week or two before the wedding is the only acceptable reason not to go” which is a ridiculous take. Not being able to afford it, not being able to take time off work, not being able to make travel arrangements/childcare work - people can not go for any bloody reason they want and they are all acceptable.

Obviously tell the sibling (and parents) about the pregnancy - no other choice. Husband shouldn’t go either, presuming the baby will at that time just be a few weeks old (or possibly less than)

Of course you can't go, and really, I don't think your DH can either. You can't leave a woman only 2 weeks out from a caesarean alone with a toddler for days. I've had 3 sections and it would not have been physically possible. Especially since a toddler can require lifting for baths etc and you can't lift that much after a section.

Um, did you not see that OP is due baby number 2 a matter of weeks before the wedding?

I'd tell the couple you are pregnant which is why you can't come as the longer you leave it the more they will just think you're being flaky. You can always caveat that if baby comes early & you're feeling well enough to be left alone, there's a chance DH & toddler could come but it would be very last minute and you understand if they would rather give the place to someone else.

Although as this is DH's sibling, I'd say he should be having these conversations not you!

Which was how long ago?

I read it as a few weeks after the wedding

@apothecarist definutely don’t go and don’t feel you have to disclose the pregnancy before you are ready. I would take a delicious bit of delight in how bad they will feel when they find out that you are pregnant. Because they are massively unreasonable to expect people to travel to a wedding in any case. I say that as someone who had a destination wedding and fully understood some people wouldn’t come for any number of reasons (simply not wanting to waste the holiday would be totally valid)! We also paid for accommodation and all meals etc for close family and the bridal party - eg the “must haves” as we didn’t want people who were (or would feel) obliged to attend to be out of pocket due to our decision.

I hope your second pregnancy goes smoothly x

Doesn’t he have to go for a week to get the flights? No way in my book.

Your husband schould go solves any issues

It's a few weeks before

And she does what? Looks after a newborn and a toddler solo whilst recovering from a C-section?

And leave her at home post section with a newborn? Why?

Most airlines have restrictions on flying whilst pregnant. BA won’t let you fly internationally after 36 weeks (that would include the return flight).

If Op is having a csection then at some point she'll know when that is & how many weeks post surgery she'll be won't she?

So for example if she would be six weeks post surgery & her husband could go for 3 days it might be more "doable" than other permutations.

What a dilemma that you might have to tell about a pregnancy before you want to.

Are they needing to know definite numbers already?

I think it's always a big ask when people have to pay for flights/take holiday & would think that part of a family going to save costs would always be a possibility anyway.

You owe nobody an explanation
Just stick to your guns. - you Dh has explained you cannot go.
People are so selfish in expecting others to put themselves out 'for show' (i.e. you PiLs in this instance)
I hope your pregnancy goes well

And?

If they're the type who will freeze you out over this, I don't think they're the type who deserve to be told early. Doubly so if you don't think they'd keep it secret!! They're allowed to be sad their close family can't attend their wedding, they're not allowed to treat you badly as a result, and if you're close enough that they desperately want you there you should be close enough that they don't try to manipulate you. That's assuming you've all said you're gutted you can't go, and maybe made plans for a separate way to celebrate the couple.

Unfortunately, people are nosy and likely to guess this as the reason, especially if you've ever spoken about possibly having a second child. I can't think of a halfway explanation you could give that wont encourage speculation (eg "scheduled surgery")

Yes I know, which is why I said I had read it as a few weeks after.

So flights are only once a week so even if just DH went he’d have to take a week off, presumably during his paternity leave if he has any which is a time he’s supposed to be bonding with the newborn and supporting his wife too? (making all sorts of assumptions that he is employed not flexible working etc)

I would tell them about the pregnancy though if he has a good relationship with his sibling. I’d just be honest and say the scrutiny last time gave you pause as you’re not really ready to announce but you felt they should know the full situation and please keep it under your hat.
Honestly, I think only an a-hole wouldn't be sympathetic.

Because it’s not unreasonable to go away for 48 hours or so for a siblings wedding even given the circumstances. Gosh it does amaze me how helpless some people are.

OP has said flights are only once a week so one would assume a week away not 48hrs