For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

Because he'll have a new baby to take care of.

@Chenecinquantecinq it's not helpless at all to want the father of your children there in the few weeks post operation and birth. Particularly as they have a toddler and the travel isn't appropriate for them. It's a wedding abroad not a life or death situation.

There are only weekly flights so it wouldn’t be 48 hours, it would be a week.

I could not imagine choosing an inconvenient venue for a wedding. Even if it's a home country you surely choose an area easily accessible by multiple flights and if not then just accept the no shows.

No dh should leave a post op dw with newborn and toddler just to indulge a sibling. Crazy. Have a post wedding party in his country with his family at a later date.

Your husband can go alone.

Yes it’s funny on MN how some threads are all about equality and men needing to step in and pull their weight or LTB but when it comes to attending a wedding everyone’s all yeah just leave your wife post-major surgery to manage on her own cos’ ya know ‘party!’

I think you need to come clean on the pregnancy because otherwise it just sounds like weak excuses.

Even the flight thing sounds like an excuse you could fly via somewhere.

Totally get why you can't fly just after having a baby, you'd be lucky to get a passport for the baby too.
But you need to say about the pregnancy, fingers crossed for you

I think they'll end up having a UK ceremony as well for all the people who can't come.

You know babies can come early, right..? If you were a woman would you want your husband travelling to a country with limited return flights when you could go into labour at any point?

Do you know them? Have they told you this?

Go earlier? She's only due to give birth a few weeks before the wedding!

Some of the replies on this thread are mental.

And leave OP with a newborn baby and a toddler? OP has also updated that she's having a c section.

If you have a decent support network I'd consider him taking todler and staying home with newborn.

But totally reasonable not to go. Understandable they are miffed given they don't know about the pregnancy. Hopefully once you tell them they will understand

No, you can't go to this wedding and will probably have to tell them about the pregnancy as they will be thinking you could just about manage it with a toddler, but will surely be understanding about the pregnancy stopping it.

Absolute bonkers people suggesting the husband should go on his own..he will be a new father for Gods sake and baby, mum and toddler will need his support.

OP, you could tell them you have a surgery scheduled that can't be changed, until you're ready to tell them it's a c-section. They might push back, but that would be incredibly rude.

Why do people expect others to drop their lives to attend a wedding at massive inconvenience to themselves.

Yes it's a sibling but if people have genuine hardship it's no big deal.

I would definitely not be going on that schedule with a toddler and so close after your birth.

Ridiculous people saying let the partner go on his own.

So op has to deal with recovering and a toddler and new born.

If it was posted by a man saying he wanted to go on his own in this situation he would be RIPPED TO SHREDS.

we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding

She has a toddler and due to give birth close to the wedding date. She might go into labour early or develop health issues or be in pain etc. OP's DH has done the right thing by declining the invite. If you marry abroad then you need to realise that some people will not be able to attend.

A sorry we can't attend should really suffice. The op should feel under no pressure to disclose the pregnancy before they want to.

It's fine to decline.

This sounds like a good compromise on telling them about the pregnancy too early

The thing is, you’ve made that decision based on a key bit of information that they are not aware of. You’d likely be able to make it work if it was just you, him and the toddler, so they feel snubbed. I think it’s a good idea to just tell the sibling about the pregnancy and ask them to keep it quiet until you’re ready to announce it to others. Or tell the parents and ask them to smooth it over with sibling.

Realistically they’re going to find out about your pregnancy before their wedding so it may be that you can put the conversation off until you’re ready to announce the pregnancy

I would just send my husband. How many weeks is ‘a few weeks’ after your C section? Presumably they’ll do the section at 39 weeks so you should have a fair idea. Will you be out of the 4-6 week recover period and able to drive? If not, do you have a family member who could help out? If you will be out of the recovery period then you’ll cope for a few days without your husband. It’s not like he’s off on a jolly with some mates, it’s his sibling’s wedding.

absolutely do not tell anyone about the pregnancy before you’re ready

I wouldn't miss my brothers' wedding for anything. I'd also enjoy a trip alone!

Do you have any family or friends who could come and stay with you to support you whilst DH goes.

I’m of the opinion that family really matters and I think I’d move mountains to get there if my sibling was getting married.

if you really really can’t think of a way for DH to get there then yes a full explanation to his sibling is needed I think :)

Really? For a sibling?

"Sorry we can't attend" isn't remotely enough to explain not going to a sibling's wedding.