Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For us all to miss family wedding

593 replies

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 07:51

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

OP posts:
Lemonadeand · 23/10/2024 08:29

The multiple posters suggesting husband should go abroad and leave OP with a newborn and a toddler… do you just hate other women?!

Icanttakethisanymore · 23/10/2024 08:29

I think I’d see if anyone could come and stay with me to help for a few days and DH goes in his own.

crumblingschools · 23/10/2024 08:30

So do you have to stay there a week before you can come home? Can you fly soon after a c-section (even if you wanted to). DH being away (with or without toddler) for a week soon after a c-section might impact on decision whether he goes too, depending on what support you have at home.

Are there cost implications too?

Icanttakethisanymore · 23/10/2024 08:30

Lemonadeand · 23/10/2024 08:29

The multiple posters suggesting husband should go abroad and leave OP with a newborn and a toddler… do you just hate other women?!

I suggested someone comes to help (my mum would move in with me for a few days for example) which I think would be ok for something like this.

Fluufer · 23/10/2024 08:32

Icanttakethisanymore · 23/10/2024 08:29

I think I’d see if anyone could come and stay with me to help for a few days and DH goes in his own.

Not at all. But help can be bought in, family and friends can rally round, childcare can be arranged, takeaways can be ordered. Siblings only tend to get married the once.

Miffylou · 23/10/2024 08:32

Toiletproblems · 23/10/2024 08:21

Why can't you make a holiday of it?

With a newborn?

Laiste · 23/10/2024 08:32

I think it's shitty to get funny about those who decline weddings abroad. Siblings or not. It's no body else's business people might not be able to attend.

Money
Health
Baby being born !

All reasons i can easily think of which might not be subjects folks would want to be explaining to the whole family about.

You don't organise family events abroad and then demand only what you deem as acceptable excuses !

Sindymindy · 23/10/2024 08:33

Provided this is possible. Your DH should go with or without the toddler and stay for just 2 nights.
You stay home and a friend or family member move in for those days to help.

I would come clean on the new baby though. I wouldn’t be happy if my sibling gave that excuse but I would understand if there was a pregnancy / newborn involved.

Gimmeabreak2025 · 23/10/2024 08:33

SunsetSkylane · 23/10/2024 07:58

Your husband should go.

And leave her alone with a newborn and a toddler…

DifficultBloodyWoman · 23/10/2024 08:33

If there is only one flight to the destination a week, there is likely only one flight out of the destination per week.

DH would have to be away for a full week.

A question for those saying DH should go - if I am right and he has to be away (from his wife and newborn) for a full week, do you still think he should go?

maddening · 23/10/2024 08:34

Dh could go with toddler but the day before so they have a day before the wedding - get your mum or a friend to come and stay with you and the baby.

Sindymindy · 23/10/2024 08:34

Laiste · 23/10/2024 08:32

I think it's shitty to get funny about those who decline weddings abroad. Siblings or not. It's no body else's business people might not be able to attend.

Money
Health
Baby being born !

All reasons i can easily think of which might not be subjects folks would want to be explaining to the whole family about.

You don't organise family events abroad and then demand only what you deem as acceptable excuses !

The bride is from this area and only on mumsnet would siblings not be expected to make an effort for a family wedding in a country where the bride is from

ChateauMargaux · 23/10/2024 08:35

Toddler and pregnancy aside... 18 hours of travel, one flight per week and arriving after midnight on the day of the wedding is all insane.

iNoticed · 23/10/2024 08:35

Lemonadeand · 23/10/2024 08:29

The multiple posters suggesting husband should go abroad and leave OP with a newborn and a toddler… do you just hate other women?!

😂

The poor woman will be recovering from major surgery, her in laws are out of the country, we know nothing of her parents availability … yet PP are keen to also ship out the other adult available to help.

OP could be in hospital, won’t be able to lift her toddler, and should be laid up in bed. She shouldn’t be made to jeopardise her recovery so DH can have a family knees up abroad.

Christstollen · 23/10/2024 08:36

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 08:29

Bloody hell, I'd thank your lucky stars that you have a cast iron excuse not to go. Are they seriously expecting everyone to stay for a week?

Show quote history

why?

Most people are quite happy to make a holiday off a wedding invitation. Not everyone is shocked/ horrified/ in tears at the idea of leaving their home for a few days to have a party with friends and family.

CameronStrike · 23/10/2024 08:36

Of course you need to tell them. I'm sure they are all quite hurt and confused right now whereas if they know the real reason they should understand.

And those saying the DH should go - really? And leave OP with a newborn?

maddening · 23/10/2024 08:36

And only one flight - is that just to uk or are there flights to other countries which dh could get and then onwards to UK?

Gloriia · 23/10/2024 08:36

God, absolutely don't go. People who book these massively inconvenient venues just have to suck it up. One flight a week? Crazy.

You, dh, toddler and new baby stay at home. Tell them to post a video link so you can watch virtually.

Maray1967 · 23/10/2024 08:36

Icanttakethisanymore · 23/10/2024 08:30

I suggested someone comes to help (my mum would move in with me for a few days for example) which I think would be ok for something like this.

Show quote history

You’re making a big assumption. I have no sisters and my mum was dead years before I had DC. Not everyone has close relatives that they can ask to come and stay.

iNoticed · 23/10/2024 08:36

Sindymindy · 23/10/2024 08:34

The bride is from this area and only on mumsnet would siblings not be expected to make an effort for a family wedding in a country where the bride is from

Show quote history

Does the rest of non-MN world magic money, childcare, annual leave and good health out of the air?!

Of course in the real world less people attend weddings abroad, even if the bride/groom are from abroad.

CameronStrike · 23/10/2024 08:37

BabyCloud · 23/10/2024 08:25

There’s ways around going. Either go earlier or send him alone.

Go earlier? Like many weeks earlier and give birth abroad?!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 08:38

Sindymindy · 23/10/2024 08:34

The bride is from this area and only on mumsnet would siblings not be expected to make an effort for a family wedding in a country where the bride is from

Show quote history

Sometimes, with the best will in the world, you just can't.

When your wife has just had a C-section is one of those times.

It doesn't matter whether this is where the bride to be grew up. If you grew up somewhere remote and difficult to access then you have to decide whether getting married there is important enough to you to risk close friends and family not being able to attend, or whether their presence is important enough to you to compromise on your choice of location.

No reasonable person would expect a man to leave his newly postpartum wife and his newborn baby for what sounds like a week to go to a wedding, with or without the toddler.

Laiste · 23/10/2024 08:38

When there are couples in the family who are in the 'having kids' stage you organise these things fully expecting you might have a few who can't attend surely?

One of my older DDs and her fiance are organising their wedding in Italy in 2 years. DD fully accepts that her eldest sister + DH may be expecting or about to give birth or with a new born - because that's the stage they are in their lives. Got one and deciding upon a 2nd.

No one will get all passive aggressive if in a year or so the dates are announced and eldest DD politely declines. It's the risk you take with weddings abroad.

CameronStrike · 23/10/2024 08:38

Toiletproblems · 23/10/2024 08:21

Why can't you make a holiday of it?

How do you think they could get a passport for a 3 week old baby, even if this wasn't an insane idea?

Christstollen · 23/10/2024 08:40

I would love to know which place with local residents, wedding venues to be booked, is only accessible one day a week.

I get the limited direct flights, but surely not everyone is stranded there until the weekly flight arrive. Are there really no connecting transport?