For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

Personally I find it extremely obnoxious of people to plan an overseas wedding and ‘expect’ people to attend …

The fact you also have a toddler would make the whole day of travelling very stressful…

Also I wouldn’t be guilt tripped or bullied into announcing your pregnancy before you’re ready, you can just announce it in a few weeks time and then say that being pregnant was in part the reason you declined the wedding but wanted to keep it quiet till after the 12 week scan…

and no I wouldn’t be sending DH to his brothers wedding abroad so close to my due date…. He should be at home supporting you with baby and toddler.

If his parents keep on I would just distance myself until you’re happy to tell them about the baby bump.

This is good advice

Good for your husband! I agree with him, he should be there with you after your birth and with his new born and toddler.
why on earth would anyone want to leave their wife and newborn at home to travel across the world with a toddler for sounds like a shattering day, full of over tired toddler tantrums!
when you’re ready to announce the pregnancy, simply say
‘we want to share our wonderful news with you all, we are expecting our second child on XX date, we are obviously thrilled but sad that it meant we couldn’t attend the wedding, sorry we couldn’t tell you the real reason before, but we wanted to get past the 12 week scan before announcing our news!!
is be really pissed off if my sibling was cross with me for not wanting to traipse round the world for a wedding… perhaps they could live stream the wedding so you could still watch it live x
confrats and good luck @apothecarist

Or worse the baby may not even be here. It’s a ridiculous idea just for a wedding. If the B&G want op and family there, they can move the wedding to a local venue.

Stick to your guns, don’t go, you don’t owe anyone an explanation now, they can find out you are pregnant when you are ready and WILD HORSES would not have dragged my husband overseas when I’d just had a baby, what are people on about 🙄

DH and toddler should go!

I disagree. Have you missed that the OP is having a section?

I went to a family wedding in an Hotel with my dad and grandchild. We shared a hotel room and took turns,Every half hour to sit upstairs with him. It worked.

Well depends on how close your DH is to his sibling. My sibling would have discussed wedding plans and what was convenient for me to attend before firming up a date especially since I live abroad and my family all live thousands of miles away! I would hate to miss my siblings nuptials but if it was unavoidable then I am sure they would understand. I would tell them about the baby now to avoid unnecessary family misunderstandings.

Jeez gender is irrelevant to this! Who actually cares whether it’s a bride and groom, 2 grooms or 2 brides….. the issue here is that OP & their DH can not attend because it’s just too difficult to do so with a newborn, a toddler, a huge scar after major abdominal surgery etc!!

Nah he shouldn’t! Did you miss the part where there’s only one flight a week?! He should be available for his wife, newborn and toddler

Great story. How does that relate to the op?

I think it's really shit if none of you go.
What's stopping him?

Ha ha agreed! My older sister had planned to marry abroad. In school hols so we could all go (family of 5).

Flights alone were going to cost us in region of £9400. We said really sorry but it’s a no……cannot afford that, plus all the other costs of a wedding and isn’t somewhere we would ever holiday with kids with flights of more than 15 hours.

A destination wedding is a bit of a gamble.

Really don't know what it is with weddings that has people think we're all going to hell in a handcart if son and son doesn't show up.

I'm in Hong Kong. Aunt in UK was getting married. I sent all the due messages of felicitations.

And note, this was right bang in the middle of COVID. She asked me to come THREE times after I had told her the first time that I couldn't afford it, and didn't even bring up COVID.

Why not read all of the OP's posts? You will find your answer in the updates.

IMO the OP's husband is right to prioritise his wife and children.

The fact that he’d rather be at home with his postpartum wife, newborn and toddler.

If husband and toddler would have to be gone a whole week just after you’ve had a baby, they should absolutely not be going. This is not in the best interest of toddler anyway, they would have a miserable time with all the travelling and sleep disruption. Plus they would be really missing out on bonding with baby brother/ son! I think the priority should be you all being together as a family and your husband being there to support you.

Are you missing that she would have a 2 week old baby? For which she'd have to get a passport to travel overseas? Just not feasible.

I've just put this to my dh, if we were in the same situation and I gave him these options:

A) does he think we should all go, even if baby is 4/6 weeks old, possibly less.

B) he goes with toddler.

C) he goes by himself leaving toddler at home with me and baby

D) no-one goes.

He said d, straight away, no hesitation. He loves his brother very much, they are close, but his wife (just had a c-section), new born and toddler trump a wedding!

I completely agree with him. I hope your in laws are understanding of your decision.

Easy let hubby go and u stay at home, it wouldn’t be an issue for the toddler so they could either go with hubby or stay with u.
Sounds like u r making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Yeah...that sounds fun.
On your own recovering from a c-section with a newborn & toddler. For a week.

Send your husband on his own. My DH went to his sisters wedding abroad alone in the same circumstances. I had a 2 year old and by the wedding day, a 3 week old, born on time. Had DS been as late and complicated as DD had been, we would have still been in hospital and not had a passport for him. We apologised in advance and sent DH on his own as we couldn't have guaranteed we would have got there safely/at all. They understood and were fine about it and we face timed them while he was there.

right. even without the pregnancy and impending baby, he would have known when planning it that even with just the toddler, that was a big ask.

Did you have your baby by c section? No.

The OP is having a planned section. Flights are only weekly, so I think your suggestion is a terrible one.

The OP isn't you.