For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day..

I don't really understand this bit - surely you don't have to do all the travelling in one go but could get there earlier?

I think your DH should go - either on his own or with the toddler. Missing your sibling's wedding is a big deal and I can't see that it's necessary for him to miss it

I would tell the bride and groom about the pregnancy (no need to tell anyone else), but I would also make sure your DH attends. It’s his sibling and in my family supporting each other on occasions like this is important. There is no reason he can’t go (assuming all is well with the pregnancy at that point).

Husband should absolutely go, either with or without toddler. If he goes with toddler because PIL are making a tantrum about it, then they should be agreeing to support husband with watching the toddler so that he can enjoy a bit of the wedding too. A wedding with a toddler ain’t no fun.

Yes i'd tell the complainers the real reason. I'd do it with a mention that you're not very happy to have to be telling so early but it was forced because of them moaning about your decision !

Why can't you make a holiday of it?

Thanks, all.

There's only one flight out a week so unfortunately no way to avoid the midnight arrival.

I'll be having a c-section because of the previous complications so looking after baby plus toddler will be tricky, but then sending toddler doesn't really seem fair with the travel logistics.

Sounds like the consensus so far is to tell them early/now. DH's sibling will definitely tell DH's parents/family so would have to make peace with that one!

And leave @apothecarist at home with a new born and a toddler?! That would be a hard no from me…

Because she will have a newborn and toddler??

I’d tell just the bride and groom that your rsvp is not really about the toddler but you’re early pregnant and due just before their wedding, and ask for them to keep it to themselves until you were ready to tell grandparents.

If the baby is due around then how will you know if you are able and fit to travel? It may be best to explain that you are currently due around that date. If the baby comes early and you're all well then you could all travel there a few days earlier or DH can go on his own.

It's a bit strange that they didn't check dates with you, usually a sibling confirms the date.

He goes on his own.

We had two close friends overseas weddings in different countries on same weekend we had a toddler and I was mid pregnancy. Dh went to one wedding went to the other toddler stayed with granny This sounds too close for you to go even if you wanted to. Dh can’t miss siblings weddng though.

C-section and leaving you alone with a toddler would be a no for me.

As much as a wedding is important to those getting married you’ll of just given birth he doesn’t need to be there.

Why not see if you can zoom/FaceTime to congratulate the happy couple.

There's only one flight out a week so unfortunately no way to avoid the midnight arrival.

Blimey. I don't think you'll be the only one put out by this. I love a wedding, but a day of travelling to get there at midnight with the wedding the next day? That doesn't sound fun at all.

Is the wedding in Malta?

If you have good family support from your parents or family, I agree with others that it would be good if he can go by himself, making the trip as short as possible. Only if you have the support at home though. But yes I think it would be good to tell them why you can't go.

Surely if you are due a few weeks before the wedding you can't go, and that's that?

Assume you go overdue and give birth at 42 weeks. How long would that be before the wedding day?

Then assume you give birth at 42 weeks and you have a couple of nights in hospital and the first available appointment to register your baby is a week after their birth (being optimistic here). After you've registered your baby's birth you'll have to apply for a passport for your baby. You could potentially get it within a week after that, but nothing is guaranteed.

Even if you had a super quick turnaround time for getting a passport, most airlines won't let your baby fly until they are at least a few weeks old. My friend was almost denied boarding to come to my wedding with a 17 day old baby, and that was only a one hour flight.

Then think of the logistics of doing what sounds like a fairly long haul flight shortly after giving birth. Imagine you have a bad tear or postpartum piles and sitting is painful. Imagine you've had a C-section and a slow recovery. When I had a C-section I had to take blood thinning injections for two weeks to reduce the risk of blood clots. A long haul flight and the risk of DVT would have been out of the question.

What about health insurance, and the medical system in the country where the wedding is taking place? What if your newborn got ill over there?

Honestly I wouldn't even consider doing this (I might take the risk of short haul), and I would just tell your family about your pregnancy and say that is the real reason why.

There’s ways around going. Either go earlier or send him alone.

Yes I do feel for them on that front - they booked before the schedule came out (to secure the venue) but now a number of the UK guests are finding it tricky with annual leave etc.

the priority here is not that the husband have a wonderful night. It’s his wife, baby and toddler. And if he did go and with toddler, it would hopefully be not because of his parents but because he thought it totally unfair to go off to have fun leaving his wife post csection with not only newborn but also toddler. I’m sorry you expect nothing of dads.

Privately tell the couple our reasons, tell them how sorry you are and ask them to keep it to themselves for now. Tell the rest of the family when you’re ready.

She’s due before so presumably she’ll have a newborn (rather than be pregnant).

Ahh.. I didn’t read it properly. I’d still send your husband.

Can't your DH go alone? It's not ideal, but you've got plenty of time to sort out other support with baby, toddler and house while he's gone.

Having a c-section due just around the wedding is the only acceptable reason to miss the wedding frankly. So yes, of course you should tell them.

Talking about tricky travel arrangements when it's your own sibling sounds like a lazy excuse. It's not even a destination wedding, it's a family place for one of the couple. No wonder the sibling is upset.

Bloody hell, I'd thank your lucky stars that you have a cast iron excuse not to go. Are they seriously expecting everyone to stay for a week?

YAnbu
not going due to a toddler IS a valid reason IMO.
its not the relatives who have to deal with the gruelling travel and meltdowns for HOURS. No idea why people on this thread this that’s not a valid reason.

you are the parent of the child, you get to advocate for their best interests. Children is about sometimes not doing what you want coz it’s best for them. It’s not best for a toddler to do that and travel and be stuck in an adult based ceremony/dinner etc.

if people have weddings abroad they can’t expect/demand you attend. However I could see them expecting your DH to attend solo. So perhaps telling them you’ll also have a newborn would smooth it over?