Another f**king incompetent husband thread

[Needadvce]

Apologies as I know tons of such thread have been posted. I have one of those fking useless husband. I had a baby 3 days ago and all he wants to do is chill and sleep.
I have a toddler as well to look after who is awake at 7 am and my husband just wants to keep sleeping and he sends him over to me while he knows that's the time I am sleeping after baby had her night feeds.
I have been shouting this morning that he needs to step up.
He thinks I haven't trained the toddler well so now it's on me to look after both. I said I will be better off as a single mother that I won't have to bear an incompetent person in my life.
Is there any advice I can use? Also, why are so many men so fking incompetent and useless?

Go get a cup of freezing cold water and chuck it over the bastard.
Then file for a divorce, what a lazy piece of selfish shit.

Do you also throw out your vacuum cleaner the day it "stops working" ... or do you figure out how to change the bag or filter @MeMyCatsAndI ?!

Absolutely ridiculous advice, as per usual from Mumsnetters.

If a man is lazy, divorce him immediately. Of course - that's what we all do.

Or she could go through the steps she's going through, which in the end if he doesn't step up, then the path is clear and sure, she may end up doing that in the end?

It's just the summary justice I find bizarre.

What an absolute tosser. It’s worth having a conversation about division of responsibilities - he can “train” the toddler himself. But I wouldn’t hold out much hope.

Is he in full time work?

He thinks I haven't trained the toddler well so now it's on me to look after both.
Is the toddler from a previous relationship? If not, surely the ‘training’ was the responsibility of both of you. And even if toddler is from a previous relationship, you’ve been up all night feeding your husband’s child!
@Needadvce I would find it really difficult not to get violent in this situation.
What a prick.

So, he thinks parenting to toddler before the baby arrives was your job then? As he said it’s your failures to train the toddler? (Which is an idiotic idea in the first place). Which means this ain’t new behaviour. He was always lazy and selfish and saw this as women’s work. But you went on to have another child with him, so you’ve made your bed really.

You’ll have to do your best to get through these early weeks and get yourself on some kind of even keel, and then make a decision about what you want for your life and what influence you want on your children when they grow up seeing what home life should be like.

Sorry, but it’s time women took responsibility for who they have kids with. First kid, fine, you didn’t know how this man would behave but second kid? You did.

He thinks I haven't trained the toddler well so now it's on me to look after both.

You have a husband who thinks it’s only your job to raise your shared children. I’m not sure anyone can say anything to help really. Your husband doesn’t even respect you, it sounds like you would absolutely be better off single.

This can’t have come out of nowhere, this is who he has been the whole time you’ve had your older child.
Has it not bothered you more?

I don’t say this to make you feel bad but when I had my second my DH did almost all the care for our toddler in the early weeks. I obviously got to see her and spend time together but he did all the work, baths, dinners, early mornings. That is a what a caring man would do.

Try to survive the next few weeks and then think about what you want from your life in the long term. Why say with a man who can’t offer you any care?

He’ll be on paternity leave, which he clearly sees as a holiday.

Toddler from same relationship.

He is a contractor so not on paternity leave unfortunately.

So he's using paternity leave to indulge himself in rest whilst you, recovering from the impact of childbirth, run around not just for a newborn but also for a toddler? What a catch he is.

I admire the optimism of the PP who says train him. What decent man needs to be told that his job at this moment isn't to be sleeping.

So not pat leave but all other point still apply. Sorry OP. It's not what you need right now

No, this isn’t a reason. Plenty of men who are self employed or run their own businesses still take time off when they have children.

My friend has just had a baby a few months after me and her DH runs his own business and took 5 weeks off when she had their second.

Its not a reason or an excuse. Only an dickhead doesn’t put in plans go at least take 2 weeks off.

Was he like this before your second was conceived or is this a new behaviour he has adopted now that you have two children?

Figure out how to change the bag, but clearly with the "she's not trained her toddler" comment this is an ongoing issue not a new baby issue and sudden change of behaviour.

The poor op just had a baby 3 days ago she's not even healed while that lazy git lies in bed and blames her? This is a clear sign that the man is useless.

I don't think there is any advice, what do you think would make make this pointless male turn into an intelligent, functional feminist?

I would not stand for it. Paternity leave only exists so that he can help you.
You need and deserve assistance from him, not just now, but throughout your marriage.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this moron on top of two young children, @Needadvce .
Edit—just seen he’s not on leave, but even so, you’ve been up all night and he can’t even be bothered to help out in the morning. He’s a selfish

Sounds more like sheer selfishness and laziness to me, not incompetence. It's not that he can't do his bit, it's that he simply doesn't want to and doesn't give a shit about the fact that this is unfair to his 3-days-post-partum wife. What a prince among men. Yes, you'd probably be better off without him, both practically and from the point of view of not modelling this unfair relationship set-up to your children.

This. If he was like this before then really, you made a mistake having a second child. If it's a new thing then you need to firmly remind him he's being a knob and you just gave birth and he needs to step up and be a proper father.

He’s not incompetent he just doesn’t give a shit. An incompetent man would be at least giving it a go even if that meant you woke up to the toddler eating cake for breakfast whilst watching an ipad and dressed as princess ready to go to nursery. Incompetence is infuriating but this guy isn’t even feigning incompetence just blatant selfishness and disrespect.

Where is the love in this relationship?

Obviously you haven't a clue what running your own business entails. You can't just opt out for two weeks.

I had a second C-section and the recovery has been very rough this time. He has got no consideration for my pain. This is driving me mad. I can't stand his selfish ways now.

Sorry that should have said ‘ a selfish C U next Tuesday’

Start getting your stuff in order then. Don’t reward his behaviour by staying as the live in nanny/cook/cleaner/sex object.

Make better choices for yourself.