Another f**king incompetent husband thread

[Needadvce]

Apologies as I know tons of such thread have been posted. I have one of those fking useless husband. I had a baby 3 days ago and all he wants to do is chill and sleep.
I have a toddler as well to look after who is awake at 7 am and my husband just wants to keep sleeping and he sends him over to me while he knows that's the time I am sleeping after baby had her night feeds.
I have been shouting this morning that he needs to step up.
He thinks I haven't trained the toddler well so now it's on me to look after both. I said I will be better off as a single mother that I won't have to bear an incompetent person in my life.
Is there any advice I can use? Also, why are so many men so fking incompetent and useless?

Because it's easier than having a recalcitrent lump on the sofa who could pull his weight but doesn't and living a life of continual disappointment. You can set yourself up to do it all without help and get on with it, rather than managing the thirteen stone of liability that's creating more washing.

He’d be dealing with that washing if he was mine. I would separate his out and chuck j it back in the basket. I would wash nothing of his. And if he didn’t get his act together then, I’d feed me and toddler, and leave him to cook for himself. This utter moron needs some hard lessons quickly.

I'd be swapping him for someone useful for a couple of months and working out how to make it permanent. Dickhead.

I wasn't aware that it doesn't happen in the UK. When I was in hospital in Ireland for 5 days post C-Section I had my wound checked daily, I thought that there would be a community midwife/nurse that would check for infection control etc.

Do you not get a visit from the public health nurse in the UK to check on mother and baby to ensure that the baby is thriving and mum is doing ok? I don't know if that's a thing any more.

It does happen in the UK. Both the community midwives and the community health visitors come to your home after you have a baby.
Edit: we can also go to a drop in clinic for new babies to be weighed, and you can ask for help for yourself. Some people refuse the health visitor coming to their home, that’s their right. But I don’t think you can refuse the midwife.

Health visitors do not come out to check stitches and neither do the vast majority of midwives. I’ve had 3 sections and never once had anyone checked my stitches.

Sounds like you have a really crappy midwife service. I’ve had two kids, they came to my house and checked me both times. The second then, she came with a student and has the student do a check as well for experience.

In all seriousness OP when you are feeling stronger start looking at your options. He has no respect or care for you at all. Years from now you will look back and think this is when he showed you who he is. Please ask friends and family for the help you need

why are you with this scum? I don’t understand why you have had 2 kids with him.

What an utterly moronic comment. A man isn't a hoover, Jacques, and it's not a woman's job to fix him.

OP, your husband isn't useless. He's an abusive arse who has no empathy or integrity. Tell him to shape up and pull his weight, or leave. You clearly would be better off without him, at least in the longer run.

He doesn't need to be a feminist....just a father....I'm astounded and so sorry for the OP, I can't imagine my partner behaving like this. PLEASE show him this thread!

But she doesn't think it's normal or acceptable does she, that's why she's posted to that effect. Which led me to ask why she's had children with such a useless man who she clearly detests. I didn't suggest that he shouldn't look after the children or that mothers should be exhausted. I'm asking why, after having one child with him and realising he's a piece of shit, did she go on to have another one. I think that's a pretty fair question, don't you?

Maybe because she didn't realise how utterly selfish he is before because she hasn't even thought about the fact that she is doing everything at home. Now, when she really needs him to step up he's not there. I can understand to a certain point because I love being with my kids and doing everything for them. But my DH has showed some selfish sides as well but not to the extent of the OP's perhaps. He complains that he's not important to me. And I answer that he's so bloody important to himself that luckily the kids have me who sees to their needs before my own.

It isn't laziness that would bother me, it's the disdain. I can't fathom not wanting to look after someone you love who has just been through an ordeal. I wouldn't want a man like that in my life. And that isn't me being all hysterical LTB, it's me choosing not to accept low quality partners and expecting to be treated with kindness and respect, and realising that sometimes one of you has to pick up more of the slack to look after the other.

‘Because I wanted them’
It happens so often. Want want want comes before the reality of the situation.

However what’s done is done and now OP needs to recover and then work out her next move. With any luck her employment will be secure and stable and she will have good friends, as this relationship is pretty much dead in the water.

The one thing I hate about Mumsnet is the victim blaming bullshit on these threads. I’m sure she didn’t meet him and he was a lazy, self indulgent bastard and she thought I’ll hop on the baby making express with this lazy prick. People change and/or pretend to be someone they’re not to attract a partner then the drip, drip, drip of reality comes through. Fuck off with your bullshit superiority and find another victim.. this woman needs support not judgement.

I would be very worried about your recovery OP after such a huge surgery.

If you have one baby with someone, absolutely. When you go on to have another baby because you simply just wanted one despite DH being useless as OP admits then some of the blame does fall to her for making life so much more harder for herself.

😂 The toddler isn’t trained well enough? If he believes that he needs to get on with the task at hand.

This man sounds like an idiot. If you can get rid, I’d suggest it.

He’s creative with his excuses though, I’ll give him that. Don’t ask men to do things, tell them. They need clear orders. Decide what can be taken until he falls in line, just like a big kid.

But we are not their mothers 🤦🏻‍♀️

Women are not on this earth to teach fully grown men how to be good fathers and husbands

If a woman is unfortunate enough to end up with a boy husband, this is the way they are trained. They only understand how to behave when you take from them. Words mean nothing.

What do you do for him that makes his life easy?

Another good one. When he misbehaves, buy something expensive for yourself using his money. Don’t say why you did it, see if he adds it up in his head. Watch the power dynamic change 💖