Another f**king incompetent husband thread

[Needadvce]

Apologies as I know tons of such thread have been posted. I have one of those fking useless husband. I had a baby 3 days ago and all he wants to do is chill and sleep.
I have a toddler as well to look after who is awake at 7 am and my husband just wants to keep sleeping and he sends him over to me while he knows that's the time I am sleeping after baby had her night feeds.
I have been shouting this morning that he needs to step up.
He thinks I haven't trained the toddler well so now it's on me to look after both. I said I will be better off as a single mother that I won't have to bear an incompetent person in my life.
Is there any advice I can use? Also, why are so many men so fking incompetent and useless?

He’s not going to improve. I think you need to plan for life without him.
Work out how you can manage work and single parenthood. What benefits could you be entitled to alongside what you earn? How would you get childcare? Do you have parents who could help?

Are you saying only child families aren’t complete? And you actually think it’s fair to bring a second baby into an unhappy marriage with a useless dad whom you’re already planning to leave? You think that’s a good idea? To “complete the family” which is about to break up anyway/

I’m sorry Op, but these are not the actions of someone who loves you. He’s not incompetent, he’s a lazy, selfish, entitled misogynist. You’ve just had major surgery and shouldn’t be lifting a finger. Are you able to go to your mums for a bit?

I think it's extremely unlikely this man will change. So in some ways you're better off going straight for the divorce than trying to change him, failing, and then going for it. His attitude is a reflection of a complete lack of respect and care. If he cared he would want to help. If he had respect he would worry that his lack of help would make him appear lacking. To those on the outside looking in, this is very clear.

However, I think it's unfair to give the OP a hard time.

If you met me now and spent a month observing my life, you'd see I am militant about housework and the mental load being fairly split. I wasn't always. I had an ex who was lazy and I didn't realise until it got to a point where I couldn't manage things on my own. I was so used to being the strong, capable organiser at work and in my personal life, it spilled over into my home life. I did more than my fair share. And I didn't notice because I took it all in my stride relatively easily. Until I didn't. Only then, when I needed and asked for help and didn't get it, did the scales fall from my eyes. I suspect this is where the OP is now.

Absolute no excuse for this appalling behaviour. Youve just had a baby! I have a 2 month old daughter and my husband gets up every day at 4am even when he has work that day so that i can sleep without listening out for her, looks after our 6 year old, does everything he can so that I can be the mum I need to be to the baby. He never sulks or makes me feel bad about it!
What a terrible way to behave and care for his postpartum wife. Makes me feel sad for you. He needs to sort himself out and step up!

Thanks, I wanted two children, I still think it would be the best outcome of this marriage even if it doesn't works. I love my children and they are the absolute joy of my life even if it looks hard to manage at the moment.

He sounds like he's an at least consistently lazy entitled shite....... he has assumed you are responsible for all the parenting of your first child, hoping he would do better with a 2nd was probably optimistic I'm sorry to say......

Now is probably not the time to be making big relationship decisions, do you have any family who could come and stay for a week to help with both kids while you recover? Or could you go with both children to their house?
You have just had surgery, resting and recovery after that isn't optional, if he won't support you then find someone who will. It may make him realise his uselessness, but ultimately you need to make caring for yourself and both children your priority right now, not negotiating your relationship.

When the second child is born, possibly the most important thing (where possible) is that the father steps up and gives the first child loads of attention and makes them feel special - after all their world has just been turned upside down and they cannot have 100% attention from their mother any more. I hope you can convince your husband of this asap.

Slightly longer term (weeks), a pattern that really helped us was that I'd express milk in the mornings (alongside feeds once established), then after an evening feed I'd go to bed, leaving the baby downstairs with dad, who then gave the bottle as the next feed. That break for me was hugely helpful for sleep, but also reduced the evening cycles of feed (short) sleep scream feed sleep scream that I'd had with my first when my evening supply didn't seem to satisfy.

If you can't get agreement on meaningful help then I agree it's just not good enough. Good luck and I hope he sees some sense urgently.

Ask him to leave for a couple of weeks and ask a family member/close friend to help
If he questions it then tell him he's a useless fuckwit with no common sense and no consideration for you and your wellbeing

I would be telling all the relatives in your and his family that you are in pain and exhausted and he's not stepping up. Get them to put a rocket up his arse.

The newage male and not likely to change and probably what attracted u to him from the start ! Just another single mum with a family to care for,do hope your family will help out

Did you honestly just compare a human being who has full control of their actions being an inconsiderate selfish dosser to a vacuum cleaner that needs its bag changing or filter cleaning?! I mean both equally useless but in the vacuums defence that can be sorted straight forwardly in about five minutes and isn’t its fault at all. I don’t think that’s the point you were trying to make though. 🤯

3 days post C section many people would still be in hospital - definitely not juggling a toddler as well as a baby. Its completely an utterly outrageous OP. I am having kids by myself with a toddler and a newborn about to come (and it will also be my second c-section) and I have assumed that for the first week I will barely be able to do anything with my toddler and they will need full time support, after which I still have set up enhanced support for my toddler for the first month. Is there anyone who can come and stay with you and help you as you really, really need help right now.

I'd be publicly shaming him into action by telling his mum/sister/best mate how much you're struggling and to have word. If that doesn't work I'd hoof him out & ask my mum or best mate to move in and help for a few weeks (or get a night nurse/nanny if funds allow).
You say he's not taking paternity leave because he's a contractor, is that because he's in the middle of a fixed term job and can't be off at all until it's finished or is it financial? If financial, is there no way you can afford even a week and then leave him solely in charge of toddler & house whilst you recover & take care of newborn. What a selfish arse I'd seriously get the ick for someone like this.

Get off your phone and go and talk to your husband.

So 3 days post major abdominal surgery, he expects you to cope with newborn and toddler while he sleeps.

Well OP, you chose to have 2 children with this prince. Your reasoning will be your own, but he is showing you who you are married to. If he can leave you to manage when you can hardly stand on account of the c-section you just had, he is capable of much worse.

I could never forgive or forget this. Do you have outside help around you? I would suggest you ask your dm or whoever is available, to come and help.

Now is not the time to be making LTB decisions, but I urge you to not forget how he is treating you now. He is a low life. Shame on him!!

I feel exhausted just reading your post, and all i can say is that I feel for you, I really do. Hugs to you and I hope that you will find a way forward (there is some good advice on here which may help you).

Says the person on their phone contributing nothing helpful 🙄

she’s venting and seeking advice. There’s already been a confrontation this morning nothing wrong with taking a moment before she talks to him.

Can you get your mum or dad or anyone to come and stay to help you with the toddler? If you can, I'd be packing his bags this evening. Absolutely useless sack of sh1t who doesn't deserve to call himself a dad. Disgusting behaviour from him.

Can you get a relative to come and stay, or go and stay with the relatives? You need help.

I can see comments from a lot of handmaidens on this thread. Honestly it isn't the OPs job to fix her husband.

My husband is a far from perfect husband and wasn't a perfect dad but he tried his best and who cares if you have a 3 day old newborn and the toddler is happy watching tv in his pyjamas with his dad, also in his underwear, slobbing about eating chocolate and crisps while mum and baby rest? Then makes mum tea and biscuits etc.

OP you have my sympathies, you are being treated very unfairly by your husband. What I have written above is purely human kindness, something I would do for a neighbour for example and I find it hard to believe that men/husbands exist to do their postnatal wives down and make their lives hell.

Stupid fucking comment. She's 3 days postnatal she can do what the hell she likes.

You’ve just had a section OP and if he’s not willing to help then you need outside help. As others have said can you call family in? He should be stepping up to spend time with your toddler, poor little thing has had a new sibling added to their life and your DH can’t be bothered to parent them.

Why does he think it’s solely your job to parent the children? Honestly, I’d be packing his bags if I could get family to come and stay with me, you need support and help not another man child to look after who clearly thinks he has no responsibility to parent his own children.

Gosh💔. This is so sad. Its heart breaking when you are stuck with a "husband " like this. It's feels like being killed slowly

3 days post c section? Fuck me, I was only just able to move around after 3 days with the 1st one let alone look after a toddler.
If you were my dd I'd be round with a spade today, making that patio you have wanted for so long. You think I'm joking? I'm so angry on your behalf.😡