Another f**king incompetent husband thread

[Needadvce]

Apologies as I know tons of such thread have been posted. I have one of those fking useless husband. I had a baby 3 days ago and all he wants to do is chill and sleep.
I have a toddler as well to look after who is awake at 7 am and my husband just wants to keep sleeping and he sends him over to me while he knows that's the time I am sleeping after baby had her night feeds.
I have been shouting this morning that he needs to step up.
He thinks I haven't trained the toddler well so now it's on me to look after both. I said I will be better off as a single mother that I won't have to bear an incompetent person in my life.
Is there any advice I can use? Also, why are so many men so fking incompetent and useless?

Btw I need to mention that I also work full time and have only started maternity leave, so training the toddler comment is BS which stems from his entitlement that even though we both work full time where I am in a more senior and responsible role than him, still I should be the one to do most parenting.

And is this new behaviour or has he always been useless at home?

He does some chores but always the one to get up late and keep watching TV in the night. I was coping okay with the toddler by getting up with him but after baby and night feeds, it's hard and he needs to step up.

Well he clearly doesn't have any

I don't see any love from him considering his selfish attitude.

Sensible comment.

Find times to sit down and have a calm conversation about how you're feeling and what needs doing, break downs jobs and responsibilities.
And I know, before everyone jumps on me, that you shouldn't have to do this and it shouldn't need spelling out. But clearly it does. so you can either waste time and energy being angry and shouting and nothing changing, or force change by spelling it out like you would to a child.

Tell him he is right- you haven't trained the toddler properly so that is now his job as you are dealing with a THREE DAY OLD BABY.

(Seriously- how can a grown adult live in the same house as a small child and yet have absolutely NO input or insight into the child's behaviour and development???)

You think that the op (and 000s of other women) should fix her man?

Oh behave

How rude. I run my own business and I most certainly can opt out when my family requires me too especially when you have had 9 months notice that you’ll need to take some time!

I'm sorry.

This clearly isn't new.

For the moment have you any family or friends that can help?

When you've healed, look at your options.

He sounds absolutely awful op. In so many ways. And he always will be.

Just start getting sorted for divorce. Anything else is a waste of time. Also, it'll happen in the end anyway, just you'll hate your life and him for a longer amount of time if you dilly dally.

There's already been a poster on this thread whose bar is so low for men that this is acceptable. It isn't.

Total bullshit. The vast majority of people who have their own businesses still go on holidays, still have childcare responsibilities, many of them are also women who yes plan to take time off for maternity leave.

It is more than possible logistically and financially for a father to use the 9 months warning of pregnancy to prepare his business and take some time off to be with his baby and care for his wife.

I don't think divorce over this behaviour is crazy advice. This is a selfish c* and his suggestion that his wife who had major abdominal surgery is responsible for their toddler waking up at 7 am is unforgivable.

Can you go stay with family and leave this disgusting excuse of a human being, OP?

I'm so sorry and angry on your behalf.

My 18 month old wakes up at 6am without fail. We don't have a baby in the mix and I'm fit and well, and my DH takes her every other day because we're a team and the kids are both our responsibility, not a single parent's! If I had a cold, he'd do my turns without me having to ask.

Oh for goodness sake. And another one. Sit him down?!?

Fucking really? Really?

A person who can't work out that of the two parents the one that has been up all night with one child isn't also the person that gets up first with the other? And blames them for the behaviour of their child?

He is lazy. He is a misogynist. He is sexist. He is selfish. He is self absorbed. He cares only about himself. He is happy to watch his wife run ragged.

And 'talk to him' .

Absolutely and utterly batshit.

This isn’t acceptable.
I bet if he had major stomach surgery he’d not be expected to be looking after a baby and a toddler while you lay around napping, he’d be in bed recovering while you wait on him to make his life easier in tough times.

Is there anyone you can ask to come and stay and help you? As clearly he’s so fucking useless and incompetent at being a decent husband and father.

Oh, I’d also tell everyone and anyone that he’s useless and not helping. So many men are useless but then lap up praise when everyone tells them how helpful and wonderful they are. Don’t let anyone be mistaken, be truthful.

If he’s not serving you well then get rid, you don’t need nor deserve that.

I wish you the best with the new baby.

If you think that you have to sit a grown man down and explain that he needs to take care of his child so that his wife can rest, after having had a C-section 3 days ago, you are an idiot. Not sorry.
The man is broken beyond repair. You can waste your time trying to fix him. It won't work. He is just not capable of getting it.

Do you also throw out your vacuum cleaner the day it "stops working" ... or do you figure out how to change the bag or filter

Jesus christ. To think that women like you actually walk among us is so utterly depressing.

I don't think that's fair; most people want to complete their families and give their child a sibling. Even if you know your husband is useless, having the child will long outlast the useless-husband phase. It's not realistic to blame someone for wanting to complete their family.

He sounds like a lazy, sexist, and uncaring arsehole.

Most men don't behave like that. I say that as it's easy to be duped over time into thinking it's normal or acceptable.

My husband couldn't do enough after my c section and once I'd healed, we still split responsibilities even though he was working and I was on mat leave because looking after multiple children/babies is bloody hard work.

You deserve to be loved. And when you love someone, you don't dump them in it like he's trying to do to you. I'm not sure you can work on that ☹️

Exactly. Why waste precious energy treating a grown man like a toddler when you already have a toddler and a newborn to look after. If he can make a baby then he’s old enough to instinctively know he needs to “help”.

He lacks compassion and empathy.

Sorry I'm still laughing at the first vacuum cleaner comment.. of course you throw out a broken vacuum cleaner!

If this is the first sign of this type of behaviour, maybe something can change, but a man who doesn't lift a finger and get involved in the parenting of his toddler while his wife is recovering from a major procedure and is 3 days out from birthing his child - I'd be surprised if this is the first red flag and would find it hard to recover from this unless things changed quickly and significantly

This.

Treating him like a vacuum cleaner (that actually has no brain or thinking capability) is crazy. He knows what he's doing, he's choosing to prioritise his leisure over his wife and children's physical and mental wellbeing. He's not a faulty appliance, he's an arsehole.

Get a mattress for the toddler’s room - he sleeps in there for the next few weeks to deal with toddler while you recover. Get a lock for your bedroom door so he can’t disturb you. He’s being very selfish.

Not sure that the thread title is correct ; he is not so much incompetent as fucking lazy .
It’s depressing to realise that in 2024 there are still men who firmly believe that childcare is not their responsibility.
One of my lovely DSD has a husband like that . The day she got home from hospital with her newborn after an emergency c section, he went out to play golf ! Fortunately her DM was around plus DH and I pitched in .

I hat was he like when you had the toddler and over the past couple of years and if he was useless then did you expect a miraculous personality transformation by having another baby with the idiot?