Another f**king incompetent husband thread

[Needadvce]

Apologies as I know tons of such thread have been posted. I have one of those fking useless husband. I had a baby 3 days ago and all he wants to do is chill and sleep.
I have a toddler as well to look after who is awake at 7 am and my husband just wants to keep sleeping and he sends him over to me while he knows that's the time I am sleeping after baby had her night feeds.
I have been shouting this morning that he needs to step up.
He thinks I haven't trained the toddler well so now it's on me to look after both. I said I will be better off as a single mother that I won't have to bear an incompetent person in my life.
Is there any advice I can use? Also, why are so many men so fking incompetent and useless?

Women aren’t helpless. OP decided to post on AIBU 3 days post surgery, she also decided to have 2nd child knowing full well how incredibly useless he is.

Of course OP’s DH is largely to blame but OP has also made it harder for herself simply because she wanted a 2nd. It isn’t fair to knowingly bring a child into the world with such a loser of a father.

You do get midwife and health visitor visits in the UK. I got my stitches checked at home.

Better to be on your own than with a useless man and resenting him.

He sounds lazy and useless but you knew that when you chose to have another child with him.

Not all men are incompetent and lazy

Gosh, my exH was far from perfect but for three days after DS1 was born, I was so exhausted he'd just hand DS1 over to me for feeding and then take him away again. It was fairly similar with DS2 for two weeks because I had an infection.

You'll be happier if you leave because when there's someone else around you kind of relax a bit, thinking they'll help (even though you know they won't), and then you have to do everything and feel angry as well.

Quite possibly because she grew up in an environment of exactly this dynamic and thought it was normal.

At least half a dozen posters on this thread have suggested that as a man he can't possibly be expected to be a caring grown up, or that it's her fault, as you have.

So, these posters, you, become the parents who teach and role model to their kids that it's absolutely fine for the mother to be exhausted and the father to do fuck all, because ltb would be so very ridiculous.

If he's just asleep, he might as well go back to work! He sounds like neither use nor ornament.

OP. Congratulations on your lovely new baby.
I feel so sorry for you, my DH used up his limited paternity leave looking after our other DC whilst I remained for a while in hospital and very shortly after I was out had to return to work and I remember really panicking. What that must be like with a C section, I can't imagine but you have my full sympathy.
Practicalities.
You need another pair of willing hands.
If your family is not available... what about his family?
Hiring short term help may seem like an awful expense at the moment, But it is really important that you get help in these early weeks. Seeing someone else having to come in and be paid do things he could easily be doing might shame him into it.

Do you still have midwife visits? Or a health visitor. They are a fount of information and may be able to help you out with recommendations of where to find a mother's help or someone to come and babysit your toddler make them lunch eetc. even a morning's help would be useful. Tell them (privately if necessary) and ask for their advice. They've seen it all before and may know what works.

Also get the health visitor or midwife to TELL your DH specifically what you cannot do medically that he needs to help you with. He's not listening to you but at least he will hear it loud and clear from a professional. Again, they might shame him into it.

Its too tiring for you to have an argument at the moment but you could write down the toddler's routine and present tasks one at a time that you want help with. So that it sinks in. "Tomorrow, please could you do toddler's breakfast at 7.00 am. or Please Can you take Toddler to the park after their lunch?

His behaviour, the nonsense about training ( isn't that what you are doing now? getting the toddler used to having a sibling? or does he think you need to send them on a course? ) ALL OF THIS IS DESIGNED TO STOP YOU ASKING. It's designed to distract you with an argument to change the subject, or just give up asking, so he can go back to thinking about himself.
But keep asking calmly, reasonably for what you want. Even if you don't get it. Don't let his behaviour silence you. If he's not going to do it, at least he has to say out loud it's because he doesn't want to do it, rather than making you justify yourself. "I don't want to do it." "I appreciate that but I would really like you to." "You should have trained the toddler." "That may be, but we are talking about toddler's breakfast. Please do it for toddler."

Going forward, you said you have a well paid career. You will have more options if you can to hold onto it, and stay in the workplace,even if you are part time, wfh etc.

Christ why did you breed with him twice?

Wow you sound charming Iveheardibothways. There may be all sorts of reasons why the second pregnancy went ahead that you don't know and that aren't for you to judge. Personally, I think it's time men took responsibility for their shitty behaviour, how about that for a change? OP deserves better than a smug bit of victim blaming.

OP, it really doesn't sound good at all. Sorry haven't had time to RTFT - got distracted by above comment - but try to keep your cool and don't let him get away with this. If you can't persuade him to step up, he needs to go away for a bit, preferably with the toddler. I hope you have some RL support. It's hard with a newborn and you really don't need a man-baby on top of that.

Why did you let him get you pregnant?

Agreed.

Not good regarding the situation.

For myself - yes.
Massive relief to stop having sex with useless bastards/most men, especially when not "needed" or desired anymore. 😊

Yea there’s the divorce/leaving etc talk but you can’t be doing that with a 3 day old and toddler - maybe as a longer term plan. For now, if you can literally just look after you, the baby and the toddler. No making him lunches/dinner etc even if you’re making it for others. No washing his clothes. Don’t do anything that benefits him, order takeout for just you if you can afford it. When he questions it say “I’m helping you out as much as you’re helping me out” and see if he improves his attitude. If not, continue

then later when you have more energy do the getting everything in order thing

Who had the toddler when you gave birth?

Did your husband have to stay home?

Yep fair point. The not so D H sounds like an utter arse.

Apologies to the OP for my unhelpful comment

I wish I could come and help. If you want to say roughly where you are if I can I will. I'm serious. I know some people will think I'm being unrealistic and I have offered previously, but I feel for you. I was a nanny. I and a section. I have three kids. I'd like to help.

As for him, time for a serious conversation. You are 100% in the right so don't doubt yourself and don't back down.

Viviennemary
Obviously you haven't a clue what running your own business entails. You can't just opt out for two weeks

Yes you can. If I wanted restrictions on when and why I need leave, I'd be in employment working for someone else wouldn't I? I've been self-employed since 2004. I have children.

I don't know where the myth that you have to be 'On' 24/7 365 when self-employed comes from. Nobody lives like that - unless they're some kind of workaholic nutcase and rubbish at time and client management.

Or they're using that line to fool their partners so they can opt out of family life by either being out all the time, or lazy at home...

Sorry OP I think you've backed a loser there. Of course he's not incompetent he just couldn't care less. It's up to you how you navigate this but I think you'll reach burnout pretty soon, then that will likely be the end of your relationship unfortunately. In no way is laziness at home/having to do it all when you've a grown adult right there, attractive. Passion killer.

@BirthdayRainbow I am very touched by your kindness. Many thanks and truly appreciate the generosity 🙏 I think I will manage but many thanks.

Congratulations @Needadvce !!
YANBU- you’ve had major surgery and can’t drive/need to recover physically.
he should have organised work to cover the heavy lifting of toddler.

if he hasn’t already - explain to him the tasks he must take over eg daycare drop off etc. and ask whether he is doing them or he is paying someone else to do them which he will be organising.

then withdraw your labour on anything that doesn’t serve you. Outsource everything you can - cleaner, ready meals from m and s. Spank that emergency credit card if you need to to SURVIVE the next 3 months,

no you shouldn’t have to but it is what t is currently. Hopefully he will learn that he isn’t entitled to your labour for free coz you weren’t birthed to serve him. But if not you can sort out what you want to do when you are a few months down the line.

even totally rubbish help is better than nothing at all I think but up to you. All the best. And if you are raising boys then please raise the change :)

My DS’s father took off shortly after I found out I was pregnant and we never had a penny from him, so there was little chance of a sibling as I wasn’t about to make the same mistake again.

I felt guilty at times (although tbh not that guilty as my own relationship with my sister is and has always been horrendous) but when I asked DS if he ever thought about having a little bro/sister, he gave me a look of horror and the child equivalent of “Hell no!”

He’s 21 now and still resolute that he was entirely happy as an only child.

Congratulations on your baby, hope you recover well from the C section, I found the first few days really hard but ok after that.

I realised early days what a useless tosser my ex was. And while it sort of breaks your heart then makes you just furious it really tells you a lot.

He thinks you are a support human, designed to meet his needs and those of the kids.

What a prince right?

Short term I'd read him the riot act, tell him to stop such a useless dick, give him a list seeing as he is totally incompetent he will need one...longer term I'd be looking at going it alone.

I left when DD15 was 1. 14 years of being a lone parent has been a lot more peaceful and stable than having a useless man in it. No negotiation, no perpetual discussions, no long term disappointments. Back in control.

You're welcome @Needadvce .

Yes it does. Community midwife visits to check on Mum and baby.

LTB find your rage OP and sort him out.