Another f**king incompetent husband thread

[Needadvce]

Apologies as I know tons of such thread have been posted. I have one of those fking useless husband. I had a baby 3 days ago and all he wants to do is chill and sleep.
I have a toddler as well to look after who is awake at 7 am and my husband just wants to keep sleeping and he sends him over to me while he knows that's the time I am sleeping after baby had her night feeds.
I have been shouting this morning that he needs to step up.
He thinks I haven't trained the toddler well so now it's on me to look after both. I said I will be better off as a single mother that I won't have to bear an incompetent person in my life.
Is there any advice I can use? Also, why are so many men so fking incompetent and useless?

If she's well enough to come and write a big post on MN asking for opinions she's well enough to read them, or choose not to reopen the thread.

I think a lot of people when they hear of these scenarios are confused why someone would willingly have a second child when their spouse has turned out to be a dud, a crap father and useless partner.

The logical assumption is that he was a great parent with the first. So what's gone wrong with the second?? Surely that's more helpful to explore than telling OP to leave with a newborn and a toddler.

The most important choice you will ever, ever make for your children, is who you choose to be their other parent. If OP chose willingly to saddle a new human being with a useless father, that's something that she needs to take ownership of and engage in some self-reflection.

Why do posters offer LTB advice when a husband isn't pulling his expected weight?
Because LTB will mean doing it all. Crazy advice.

I don’t think it’s all that crazy - sometimes it’s better to be by yourself than with another person who could and should be helping, but chooses not to.

Even if your family are abroad you need to contact them. There may be someone in the UK who could pop in to give your husband a kick up the backside and may be do something simple for you e.g. bring you some food, get specific food in you want.

People even if they are random acquaintances or strangers have a tendency to help people with babies and small children.

I'm all for self-reflection but now isn't the time, that will have to come later than 3 days post c-section. Now she needs to get help or she will seriously damage her health, both mental and physical.

The other parent chose to be a shitty human being, this is all on him, she doesn't need to spend time right this second trying to figure out why that is.

Why blame the woman for the “useless father?” Men make all kinds of gestures and promises to get women to have their babies. They default afterwards.

DH and I had really bad covid over Christmas and our 7 year old tidied the bloody kitchen, put all the laundry in the basket and made himself breakfast completely on his own, so it is not beyond an adult man. Yes, sorry, you would be better off on your own. At least you'd get every other weekend off. What an arse.

That's so grim for you OP, no wonder you are furious.
I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but does he have a mum or sister you are on good terms with who could explain to him calmly how you are feeling and what you need from him?

Show him this thread!!!

What a prick 😡 at 3 days post c section you should be resting and feeding, that's it! He should be looking after your toddler and cooking, washing etc. Can your mum or another relative come and stay for a week and look after you? I can't believe he is being so lazy and selfish and I would find it very hard to forgive!

He needs a reality check and a reminder that the toddler is still processing the appearance of a sibling and you being oriented towards the newborn. It's his job to step up and provide some continuity for the toddler and to support you. If he really can't do that, I'd rethink too.

In the meantime, do contact your local Home Start if you'd like extra support. It won't be immediate, but it's worth getting support lined up for the future. And HS may be able to link you up with other agencies that can help practically and sooner while you wait to be matched with a volunteer.

Of course he does but by the looks of it he won't. So you need to decide what to do then.

Of course YANBU! You have just had major abdominal surgery. Your DH should not be sending the tot to you so that he can sleep. I’m going in for surgery soon and DH will be manning the fort solo, whilst working FT. He won’t be sending the kids to me to get stuff done.
You say you have a senior FT job. Are you the main breadwinner?

Maybe he will, for a couple of weeks. Then it will stop, and he’ll only do things when he is told to. You’ll become his manager, you’ll be the one carrying all the stress and dealing with all life admin and everything for the kids. And he’ll think gems “helping” because he does what he is told.
It isn’t help. And you’ll raise two kids who think that this is how it should be in a partnership.

Totally wrong.

She's already doing it all.

But she's doing with the immense weight dragging her down of knowing the adult who should be doing half (well more cos she's had a major operation) is sat on his arse in the other room.

She's also possibly doing his shopping, his laundry, putting his shoes away adding to her load.

Having been there I can tell you that washing the dishes seething with resentment that it really isn't my turn, is a billion miles away from washing the dishes singing away to myself whilst my ex lives elsewhere.

She might also get some free time to herself when he takes the kids out. My ex is a far better father now than he was when we were together, he has to be if he wants any relationship at all with his children.

Because if you’re doing it all by yourself anyway then you might as well do it properly. Especially as there would no longer be a man child causing even more work.

Not to mention setting an example to the children. I wouldn’t want them growing up with such a poor example of a relationship, especially useless men that refuse to do their share.

What makes me even sadder than the OP is the amount of users on here that feel they can attempt to shame or blame OP for the situation she’s in. How awful. It’s her fault for having a baby with a man who’s turned out not to pull his weight? Way to kick a woman when she’s 3 days post surgery. Awful.

Its her second kid with him. She did know. And I hope if she has daughters that she will use this as a lesson to raise them to look for a better partner and not do this. We all need to be teaching girls not to accept this, and teaching our boys that they won’t be tolerated if they grow up to be that guy.

‘Look for a better partner and not do this’

yeah because OP was out there thinking you know what there’s lots of better partners but what I’d really prefer is a hands off lazy husband. I’ll choose that just to spite everyone

She literally did. She chose to have a second child when she already knew what he was like. It was literally a “well, I want two kids so even though this man is shit, I’ll do it anyway.”

@LookItsMeAgain Have you had any public health nurse around to check your C-Section wound and perhaps change the dressing on it?

You’re aware that does not happen in the uk?

Because there's no worse place to be than lying in bed next to an absolute arsehole of a man who is turning you into a seething ball of resentment because of his laziness and still expecting sex off you

If you knew he was a lazy, incompetent bastard why did you continue to breed with him?

@Missamyp Why do posters offer LTB advice when a husband isn't pulling his expected weight?
Because LTB will mean doing it all. Crazy advice.

Because doing 100% alone is easier and more pleasant than doing 95% and watching your “partner” laze about happily watching you run yourself into the ground.

He's a lazy feckless bastard. You're better off single