Another f**king incompetent husband thread

[Needadvce]

Apologies as I know tons of such thread have been posted. I have one of those fking useless husband. I had a baby 3 days ago and all he wants to do is chill and sleep.
I have a toddler as well to look after who is awake at 7 am and my husband just wants to keep sleeping and he sends him over to me while he knows that's the time I am sleeping after baby had her night feeds.
I have been shouting this morning that he needs to step up.
He thinks I haven't trained the toddler well so now it's on me to look after both. I said I will be better off as a single mother that I won't have to bear an incompetent person in my life.
Is there any advice I can use? Also, why are so many men so fking incompetent and useless?

I find it bizarre to suggest to an exhausted and sleep-deprived new mother that it's her job to train her husband into looking after HIS OWN CHILD when she needs to sleep.

You need to give him a clean and stern reminder that you both created these children and you both are responsible for raising them.

your body has just been through the trauma of growing and birthing a baby, he should be going above and beyond right now.

No he's like this because he was not trained as a child to have empathy for other people particularly those who are babies/young children or have just had major abdominal surgery and provide practical help to them.

The men in my family including my dad, who was useless, would look after these categories of people as best as they could.

3 days after a C - Section! Can you get anyone to help you now? Parents/ a friend? Tell them your husband is too lazy to help look after your kids (don't cover for him) and tell your health visotor too.

Get your finances/ important docs in order over the next few weeks if you can.

Have serious words with him about his behaviour. You could say you have considered leaving if he doesn't step up (if it is safe to do so).

If he doesn't improve over the next few months, then yeah, leave if you need to!

Leave off with your racist comments.

Some men are like this regardless of their ethnicity.

On the other hand other men regardless of ethnicity care for people who are more vulnerable particularly if they are their own babies/small children.

Have got no family around so unfortunately have got no one to come in and help.

I have clearly listed various chores him and me need to share going forward. He is saying he will do what I have asked.

This is the most ridiculous advice (and post) on the thread. So sick of these male apologists.

I know everyone says don’t leap into leaving but if he can’t step up for you now he never will. I have given my partner so many chances but he is still incredibly selfish and self important. It is my deepest regret not leaving him when the kids were younger and they wouldn’t be so impacted.
it makes me sick that he can ignore your suffering and not comfort you, even dogs have more empathy.

@JacquesHarlow She didn't marry a Henry Hoover.

She married a grown man who it would be fair to presume knew what he was doing when creating the two children he did, it doesn't take a genius to work out that someone has a wound with 15 stitches following someone cutting through their abdomen and pulling a human out of the cavity, that they will be in pain.

It would be fair to expect him to know he will need to do more than sit in the under stairs cupboard waiting to be plugged in and wheeled around under her guidance.

I know five year olds with more empathy and wherewithall, that would show more care in this situation. He doesn't give a shit, and she will kill herself trying to make him. Useless prick.

Great advice from everyone. But I just came here to talk about your husband thinking a toddler could wake up after 7am???? 7am is a normal wake up time. And unless your husband is seriously ill then why is he needing to sleep after 7am? 7am is as late as it gets for a toddler.
The work thing is a weak excuse. When I had a newborn, on the worst nights my husband would sleep from 8 until 2 and then have the baby 2-6 and go to work for 12 hours as a doctor. A grown adult can manage on 6 hours of unbroken sleep, in fact this is pretty good for many people. Your hormones are probably raging which might cloud your judgement but do not forget this moment.

If you were my daughter or dil and you weren't local I would drop everything and come and help you and I would happily help banish the children's poor excuse of a father too. You might have more support than you think if you just reach out. You h isn't right in the head, he's a horrible bully and should be nowhere near you.

OP - I feel so sorry for you.

In the first instance, have you got family near by who can come over to support you? (You DH is clearly lazy and incapable)
You need help and you need to rest after your surgery. You need to get stronger for you and your baby.

If he can't see for himself that you are in pain, you need support at this time, it's pointless having him around. If he was going to be of any help, he'd be doing it off his own back by now. No amount of telling him, or getting family to shame him is going to make a difference. He clearly has an attitude problem.

I think you will need to face the fact that divorcing him might be on the cards but for now you need to get the support where you can x

What was he like as a father with your eldest?

Presumably he really stepped up to the plate, gave his all, took on half of the parenting (when you're not at work), hence why you decided to make your lives even harder by having a second child with this man?

Definitely don’t be the one to go and leave him responsibility free! That’s just playing into his hands and setting a terrible precedent.

He needs to look after his children. Can you put him in with the toddler at night so he has to deal with the mornings and you can get some time alone. Can you share the night feeds? He needs to step up and be a role model to his children or this cycle will continue to the next generation.

This is so unneccessary. This is a woman who had a c-section 3 days ago and her husband is being an abusive prick towards her. This is not the time to shame her.

Have you had any public health nurse around to check your C-Section wound and perhaps change the dressing on it?

I think you need to have a word with him about what you will and more importantly won't be putting up with going forwards.

If you are feeding the new baby yourself, then he can't really help with that unless you start expressing and then he can definitely help.
You need to tell him that staying up watching telly is fine, but he has to look after his own toddler child (it took two of you to make the child and as your immediate focus is on the newborn, he can step up to look after the toddler, who is after all going to their other parent to look for help/guidance/support/whatever). He doesn't get to wash his hands of being a parent.

I know you've said that you don't have any family nearby, but do you still have family? Could they visit for a few days and help you out? Can they travel to see you and their newest relation? Surely there is someone you can call on who could come in and give you a hand (which really shouldn't be necessary but you really will have to shame him into stepping up if he isn't doing it already).

Lastly, because he has said that you 'haven't trained the toddler well' so you are responsible for both - I'd turn that around and say I did what I could, but you are welcome to try to improve on what I've managed to do, so your toddler becomes his primary focus to 'train'. Thinking about it, that one comment would have me running (in your case waddling) to the hills as he really isn't coming across as a caring individual. There is a level of adjustment that is required when you go from being a family of 3 to a family of 4 but he should be well able to make that adjustment and to step up for his family. It however sounds like he's checked out of this 'family' and wants a single life!

Why do you have sex with this man?

You haven't trained the I guess 30 yo toddler? He is being awful.

Tell him to

1 get vasectomy asap - he can experience surgery even though not as severe - and it will stop him reproducing again if not willing to be responsible.
2 he needs to be an adult - he has created 2 new lives and needs to step up.

The next thing for you is to train the toddler (child not DH) to go to Daddy in the night. It's hard but you need to ignore them. Elbow him to get up. Keep working at this - it will eventually be effective!

A decent man would as a minimum take on full care of toddler and also care for you.

Seems to me that you actually have three kids.
Also, I don’t think it is the toddler that needs ‘training’.
Your ‘oldest child’s’ lack of training very likely pre-dates the pair of you getting together.

I hope you do manage to sort things out, leaving everything to you is hugely unfair, but he will also miss out on lots, not simply the hard work, by not being an active participant at this stage.

I had a baby 7 months ago via c section and I have a just turned 3 year old so was in your position children wise. Your husband is a useless piece of shit but you know that; how he can treat you like this I don't know, he must not give one single shit about you. Like others have said, he's a grown man with presumably more than one brain cell. He should realise that major abdominal surgery = pain, discomfort and that he should be supporting you and doing his part to care for the children he helped create and look after the home he lives in. It's not rocket science, why do some women infantalise men and excuse their disgusting behaviour? He's not stupid, he's a selfish prick and his comment about you not "training" your eldest shows he knows exactly what he's doing. This is your punishment, it's abusive.

I saw you have no family nearby, I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have anyone else you can contact. I'd be making plans to leave him, you deserve better

You’re doing great op - and hopefully it will get through.

mums always get a kicking on these threads - ignore the supremely unhelpful why did you have a baby with him comments.

The only person at fault here is him, and you’ve raised the bar and told him to jump it. I’m sorry you had to waste energy getting angry when you’re supposed to be basking in a cloud of oxytocin stimulating milk production.

It absolutely makes my blood boil OP. I have no words.
This is really why I live alone tbh. What do you want to do about it?

This would kill the love for me. Too lazy and selfish to deal with his own child in the morning when the woman of his life has just given birth and feeds the baby nighttime?

Tell him you are thinking seriously about divorcing him because he needs a wake up call!

Even if the toddler was the most perfectly behaved little angel in the world (which NO toddlers are. None. No matter how you've raised them) but even if they were, YOU STILL SHOULDN'T BE DOING ANYTHING FOR THE TODDLER, certainly not while there's another adult in the house. Practically everything involving a toddler involves bending and lifting and twisting. Ask him if he'd like to be treated this way 3 days after major abdominal surgery? I bet he takes to his bed for 3 days with a cold. I'm so angry on your behalf.