Is this revenge on the OW fair or not?

[pinkgown]

Obviously we don't have the whole story, but would you be tempted to do this, to take revenge on the OW on your mother's behalf? I think I might, if I felt my mother and my family had been torn apart by her actions.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cj9j9lpgjxlo

Yep let’s blame other women instead of the men. Sounds about right. Those poor little helpless men just can’t help shagging around.

Well she's ended up with a long prison sentence and her sister has lost her job, all for an affair that ended over 12 years ago. Sounds like everyone's lives are totally destroyed except for the man who had the affair in the first place.

No it’s deranged and illegal. The defendant was very young when the actual infidelity took place but had been shown the photos by her mum. The mum and sister then egg her on to post nude pictures and hateful messages. Pathetic and childish.

@pinkgown Exactly.

Based on what's in the article no I wouldn't. I obviously don't think much of the OW if she knew he was married and had kids but it's the man who cheated. He is responsible for the damage to his family. Sounds like the daughter has been truly messed up by her own family and will now have to deal with the consequences.

@pinkgown, if you would do that to the ‘other woman’ in your parents’ marriage, what would you do to your father?

No, the sisters come across as very dysfunctional. The police officer especially given the nature of her job and knowing the consequences.

My dad had an affair on my mum and I never had an issue with the OW, it was HIS doing.

What I also learnt was that affairs are complex, it wasn’t just ‘thrill and shagging’, there was love and care there and we are humans that seek such so I cut everyone slack on that front as I felt and knew my dad wasn’t happy for a good while (I appreciate he didn’t go about it in the right way, but he’s a human learning just like us all).

Just re read it. The police officer daughter contacting the OW's daughter and threatening her was not okay or fair. She didn't do anything wrong.

That was meant to be an agreement with @CitrineRaindropPhoenix pp.

I tried to copy and paste their username but must have hit the Op’s username that came up in a suggestion box instead. It won’t let me edit it.

I find the comment by the affair partner/victim a little offputting:
“I find it hard to believe a woman would do this to another woman”

She knowingly had an affair, she knowingly sent nudes that could (and did) get seen by others - did she deserve what happened? No. Did she make poor choices that led to this? Yes.

i think the daughter did deserve jail but it seems disproportionate to receive three years when child sex offenders receive probation or convicted rapists received less time. It doesn’t seem comparable.

Exactly this.

no I certainly wouldn’t, even when I was a teenager I was very clear that blame for an affair lies with the one doing the cheating - ie her father. This woman’s actions are mad, 12 years after the affair? Really good that she got a prison sentence hopefully this acts as a deterrent to anyone thinking of doing similar

No. This isn’t any better than a man who posts revenge porn because his girlfriend dumped him. It’s a sex crime, and it would make you by far the worst person in the situation.

The mother and sister should have been charged as well.

i think the daughter did deserve jail but it seems disproportionate to receive three years when child sex offenders receive probation or convicted rapists received less time. It doesn’t seem comparable.

I agree with this but the answer isn’t that this woman was given a long sentence for her crimes, it is that rapists and sex offenders are given sentences that are unfairly, disproportionately, outrageously short.

The irony of that comment is....something else. So her knowingly having an affair with a married man was not a woman hurting another woman?

And I also agree that a sentence far longer than most child sex offenders and rapists (of whom there are very very few who even have to go to court, much less convicted) is not on. Just proves the sexism and misogyny in the "justice" system.

The CPS guidance is a 6 month term for sharing nude photos without consent. I can't find a record of any man being jailed for 3 years for a similar offence, and think how many men share photos without consent. She is being treated harshly because she is a woman.

My first thought was also about people, who view child sex abuse images getting non custodial sentences. I think the AIBU vote would be very different were question, do you think this is disproportionate when rapists and viewers of category A child sex images get let off with slap on the wrists or less time. I can’t vote YANBU for this question.

In a way I really feel for this young woman. Her mother and her sister (a police constable) egged her on.

I think that has been a significant influence.

As a mother, there is no way that I would involve my daughters in my own marital issues with their dad. It’s toxic and damaging.

And I wonder if having the endorsement from a sister who is a member of the police force made her feel that she was justified and perhaps legally allowed.

Of course the father should not have had an affair in the first place and then kept naked pictures of this woman.

There may well be an element of that but revenge porn is mostly carried out by exes. And exes can claim that they acted in the heat of an argument, spur of the moment, it was a crime of passion, blah, blah, blah. Crappy defences but accepted by the courts as mitigation nonetheless.

This woman took her time, conspired with others, actively sort out opportunities to cause harm, used pre meditation and, as the police and judge said, showed a shocking lack of remorse.

That is also a factor in her longer than usual sentence.

@DifficultBloodyWoman I haven't read it all very carefully, but I can say from experience that the damage done to a girl or young woman by her father having an affair can be very profound and very painful. It is natural for her to hate the OW because it is too hard to hate a parent.

Definitely, and considering the man and his wife still seem to be together I would bet anything that he did the whole 'she threw herself at me' and so on and played the victim and made everyone believe that it was all the OW fault and he was her poor innocent victim. The article said the daughter had turned the other woman into a caricature and we see that on here all the time in relation to the OW.

I would worry about the OW's safety tbh as I would imagine the hate that the family have for now is even worse.

And what act of revenge did she enact on her father? I’m guessing he was happily innocent in the whole thing, so no need for that?

They also said that the lack of remorse she showed was staggering and that she was extremely unapologetic.

She changed her plea to guilty half way through the trial so she got no credit for that either because she forced the victim to give evidence.

I would imagine she is seen as a high risk of offending towards the victim also due to the extreme level of hate so I'm sure that played a part also.

The sentence she got was longer because she didn’t plead guilty immediately and forced the victims to go to trial.
If she had accepted her guilt immediately there’s every chance she would have got a much shorter custodial sentence or perhaps community sentence depending on the sentencing guidelines.
However, I don’t believe a man would have got such a long sentence, women are always held to higher standards than men even by judges.