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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you trust men, including your partner/husband?

225 replies

YourGreenJoker · 20/10/2024 19:43

I’ve been reflecting a lot on trust in relationships lately, and it got me wondering about how people view trust specifically when it comes to men - whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or just in general.

Do you trust men, including your partner/husband? Have past experiences made you more cautious, or do you naturally trust until given a reason not to? I feel like society often sends mixed messages about men and trust, and I wonder how other people navigate that.

For those in relationships, has your trust ever been tested, and if so, how did you rebuild it? Or, if you’ve always had full trust, what do you think contributes to that dynamic?

How do you personally handle trust with men in your life?

OP posts:
Redruns · 21/10/2024 08:41

MidnightMeltdown · 21/10/2024 00:49

I've had a quite a few married men try it on with me before

Mostly the usual sleazes that everyone can spot a mile off, but also a couple of well loved, upstanding, intelligent men, in good jobs, who on the surface, appear to be in very happy, loving relationships with their wives. The sort of men who I would never, ever believe to be cheaters, if they hadn't tried it on with me.

Its eye opening and has certainly affected my trust of men

Yes, I've had two married friends try it on when the reason we were friends (or at least the reason I liked them enough to become friends and felt safe to do so) was that they seemed such genuinely committed loving family men, good husbands and fathers. One was a one off drunken moment, the other lost his mind and persued me for months.

worthofbostworlds · 21/10/2024 08:43

No, not really.

I do feel that when it comes to men and fidelity even the most trustworthy of men will get up to all sorts if they think they can get away with it.

So I have some male friends who I trust as they are thoroughly decent people - they wouldn't steal from me or lie to me or screw me over etc. But wouldn't trust them not to cheat on me if we were in a relationship.

Don't really trust my husband. He's been caught messaging a girl once and it's just ruined it.

We have kids so haven't left the marriage because of it, but it has ruined things. Can't believe a person would risk their whole life, their kids security and childhood and family for the sake of a few smutty messages, but there you have it. Stupid. Pointless. But huge repercussions.

BigFatLiar · 21/10/2024 09:08

But when dating, I'm alert to any red flags that could signal future violence, whereas when making a new female friend, I don't usually worry that she might beat me up. So in that sense, I guess I trust men less than women.

You really should worry about females. Their violence may not always be physical but is often more planned and set to cause long term damage mentally and socially and this can be worse.

00deed1988 · 21/10/2024 09:13

I trust my husband as much as I will ever trust anyone. Unfortunately I have had 3 partners cheat so my self esteem low there. Also have worked in a sexual health clinic so have seen all the cheaters come in that their partner knows nothing. Also a (thought) trusted family member is a paedophile. Never would have guessed. As lovely as anything outwardly. When you look at the statistics far cheating, sexual assault/harassment and child porn, I feel that as much I don't think my husband would be capable of any of that, how many millions of women around the world have said those words? Grim to think of though!

Babbahabba · 21/10/2024 09:16

I feel safer with women I don't know than men. Not sure if that's the same but I haven't event felt scared of a woman I don't think.

mumTTCno2 · 21/10/2024 09:29

Depends what you mean by trust. I trust my husband to keep me safe, I would never worry about being in a vulnerable position in front of him etc.

Do I trust that he'll never cheat/be unloyal to me? No, not really. In 3.5 years he's never even gave me a single shred of doubt, and I trust him to an extent, but I could never be 100% sure.

mumTTCno2 · 21/10/2024 09:30

Apart from family there's only one other man in the world that I'd trust that is a very close friend. I have been in very vulnerable positions before (black out drunk when we were younger etc) and I 100% trust him in that sense. Any other men? Nope!

Sharptonguedwoman · 21/10/2024 09:38

I trust some men but sadly not my newly Ex partner. Through a complete accident I found he's had a second relationship going for years. He doesn't live at mine full time but we've been stable a long time or so I thought. I was wrong.

graygoose · 21/10/2024 09:52

I don't trust men as a whole, having been lied to outrageously by my ex-DH.

Current DP is wonderful and I do trust him, but I think a part of me is forever broken and will always keep a little part of myself back just in case. I'm not the sort to be paranoid and always check his phone etc but if I ever do find he's cheated or lied in a huge way then I want to be able to walk with minimum fuss and disruption.

I'm also very cautious with DD. When I was dating I was very wary of men, I didn't tell them I had a child until we were about to meet up or after they had asked me out so I could be somewhat satisfied that they weren't prowling around for single mums. If they lost interest at that point that was ok!

Basically, I trust enough not to let it interfere with my every day life, but I remain cautious and wary and I examine behaviours very carefully. I don't take things at face value and am very direct with my doubts and feelings. DP puts up with a lot 😂

BigFatLiar · 21/10/2024 10:00

mumTTCno2 · 21/10/2024 09:29

Depends what you mean by trust. I trust my husband to keep me safe, I would never worry about being in a vulnerable position in front of him etc.

Do I trust that he'll never cheat/be unloyal to me? No, not really. In 3.5 years he's never even gave me a single shred of doubt, and I trust him to an extent, but I could never be 100% sure.

Do you think he believes that given the chance on a night out without him you'd have a quickie ons, or even an affair?

Sadcafe · 21/10/2024 10:02

Trust works both ways, difficult to maintain a relationship when you both start having doubts about things your partner does

The13thFairy · 21/10/2024 10:07

The question is a bit vague. Trust them to do or not do what, exactly? You might have a man who is completely sexually faithful but will put you in the poorhouse due to gambling, squandering etc.

mumTTCno2 · 21/10/2024 10:15

@BigFatLiar no I'd say he trusts me pretty much 100%, he has no concerns really with me. Whereas I guess my slight trust issues come from being cheated on in previous relationship, watching my mom go through my dad's affair etc. he still goes out and has fun with his friends etc, I'd never tell him I don't trust him - it's always that internal worry I guess. Hopefully one day I'll overcome it Smile

Demonhunter · 21/10/2024 10:16

I think humans in general can be untrustworthy, but you can't live your life in fear or paranoia.

My family, it goes without saying, I trust them.

My DP I trust and as he's away working at least 50% of the time, we wouldn't have survived so long if there wasn't trust. He's given me no reason to mistrust him, so unless he does, I won't.

I trust my friends unless they show that they can't be trusted.

The people I trust the least, are people who have a lot of power and influence, male or female. I often think that to gain a certain level of power and influence does require a certain level of ruthlessness.

BlastedPimples · 21/10/2024 10:17

Nah. I don't trust anyone.

BlastedPimples · 21/10/2024 10:18

But it doesn't torture me. I mean, I kind of expect shitty behaviour from people and when it happens, I just walk away.

If it doesn't happen, great.

notacooldad · 21/10/2024 10:22

I trust my Dh. I was quite insecure for many years but time and time again he has earned my trust and respect, not only in the way that he treats me but in how he treats others in everyday interactions.
He has always put me forward, often to his expense and gas always had my back.
I am wary of many men but there are a few in my circle that I have known for decades and so far they have proven to be good people.

Shushquite · 21/10/2024 12:20

Different people, different amount of trust. I'm no longer married or in a relationship. I still have men in my life who I trust with different things.

I learnt through life experiences, everybody changes. Including myself. It is unwise to think ootherwise. I never expect that I would laugh when told my baby had die inside me. It was the way my body proceed the news. It was not funny, but devastating. It was another thing I couldn't control.

Trusting someone to either take an action or not take the action is a lot of pressure. I value people morals and no body is perfect. I decide what is in my power to do. If I can forgive an action or not. I don't plan it before it happens. Just go with the follow, allowing myself to change my mind any minute.

cheesypinwheel · 21/10/2024 14:12

This is a really interesting question. It depends on what you're trusting them about. I think it's really naive to say that you would trust anyone 100%- sure, there are a lot of people that I would trust to be generally safe people to be around (not hit me, assault me or emotionally abuse me), manage money competently, be reliable when they say they'll do something etc etc. With those things, you can go off actual track records to judge the likelihood of a person being trustworthy in the future. If, for example, I've been with a man for 20 years and he's never been violent or coercive towards me, it seems reasonable to feel confident that he's unlikely to become violent in the next 20 years.

Trust in someone's sexual fidelity is a totally different matter because (in my opinion) it's extremely common to have learnt to be extremely secretive about aspects of your sexuality that you think others would disapprove of. That's fine, of course- everyone is entitled to sexual privacy. But using my earlier example, I can only say that I THINK the man I've been with for, say, 20 years, has been faithful. While I can know whether my partner has abused me, been unreliable about feeding my cat or forgotten to turn up for important events, I can't possibly know if he's cheated. Plus- The internet makes it more possible than ever for people to have secret sexual lives without anyone having an inkling.

Of course, women also cheat, but I know of far more couples who broke down because the male partner was unfaithful. I think most people are capable of infidelity with the right stressors. But I've had male friends (in the past, no longer) that openly admitted that it was the novelty of sexual variety that made cheating attractive, not any particular unhappiness in their relationships. To complicate matters, they were all generally reliable in most other ways, so it's not even that sexual untrustworthiness necessarily comes as a package with other forms of untrustworthiness.

So, while there are many men I'd trust for many things, I wouldn't trust any of them 100% to be faithful. That doesn't mean that I'm hyper vigilant about the possibility- I've sort of just made peace with it as an occupational hazard of intimate relationships, with anyone but men in particular, and always try to maintain the practical and emotional resources to manage if things go tits up.

I wouldn't say anything, but I'd be scared for any of my friends that seriously suggested they trusted their partners '100%'- I think that makes you really vulnerable, as far as I'm concerned everyone should have a proper plan for what they'd do if their spouse (or any partner they're financially connected to) fucked them over.

foghead · 21/10/2024 14:45

mumTTCno2 · 21/10/2024 09:29

Depends what you mean by trust. I trust my husband to keep me safe, I would never worry about being in a vulnerable position in front of him etc.

Do I trust that he'll never cheat/be unloyal to me? No, not really. In 3.5 years he's never even gave me a single shred of doubt, and I trust him to an extent, but I could never be 100% sure.

How does he keep you safe?
I don't understand how anyone can keep someone else safe.

DivergentTris · 21/10/2024 14:49

I trust my husband but I don't trust the majority of other people, male or female.

EasternEcho · 21/10/2024 15:03

Not really. In general I think most men would take an opportunity presented if they felt there was no chance of being found out. And many women who don't find out, will naturally insist they trust their partners. There have been so many heartbreaking threads in here from women who trusted their partners implicitly and thought they would never ever do this, that, or the other. I don't monitor or control anything though. I always think I'll just deal with it if or when I find out. It just wouldn't shock me.

Ellsx6 · 21/10/2024 15:20

cheesypinwheel · 21/10/2024 14:12

This is a really interesting question. It depends on what you're trusting them about. I think it's really naive to say that you would trust anyone 100%- sure, there are a lot of people that I would trust to be generally safe people to be around (not hit me, assault me or emotionally abuse me), manage money competently, be reliable when they say they'll do something etc etc. With those things, you can go off actual track records to judge the likelihood of a person being trustworthy in the future. If, for example, I've been with a man for 20 years and he's never been violent or coercive towards me, it seems reasonable to feel confident that he's unlikely to become violent in the next 20 years.

Trust in someone's sexual fidelity is a totally different matter because (in my opinion) it's extremely common to have learnt to be extremely secretive about aspects of your sexuality that you think others would disapprove of. That's fine, of course- everyone is entitled to sexual privacy. But using my earlier example, I can only say that I THINK the man I've been with for, say, 20 years, has been faithful. While I can know whether my partner has abused me, been unreliable about feeding my cat or forgotten to turn up for important events, I can't possibly know if he's cheated. Plus- The internet makes it more possible than ever for people to have secret sexual lives without anyone having an inkling.

Of course, women also cheat, but I know of far more couples who broke down because the male partner was unfaithful. I think most people are capable of infidelity with the right stressors. But I've had male friends (in the past, no longer) that openly admitted that it was the novelty of sexual variety that made cheating attractive, not any particular unhappiness in their relationships. To complicate matters, they were all generally reliable in most other ways, so it's not even that sexual untrustworthiness necessarily comes as a package with other forms of untrustworthiness.

So, while there are many men I'd trust for many things, I wouldn't trust any of them 100% to be faithful. That doesn't mean that I'm hyper vigilant about the possibility- I've sort of just made peace with it as an occupational hazard of intimate relationships, with anyone but men in particular, and always try to maintain the practical and emotional resources to manage if things go tits up.

I wouldn't say anything, but I'd be scared for any of my friends that seriously suggested they trusted their partners '100%'- I think that makes you really vulnerable, as far as I'm concerned everyone should have a proper plan for what they'd do if their spouse (or any partner they're financially connected to) fucked them over.

I agree with this exactly. I said I don't trust my husband 100% in every aspect above and some people were surprised. How can I 100% trust he'll never leave me or cheat how do you know you don't!

BigFatLiar · 21/10/2024 15:35

Of course, women also cheat, but I know of far more couples who broke down because the male partner was unfaithful.

I suspect a combination of men being more likely to let it go and women being less likely to be caught out.

EasternEcho · 21/10/2024 16:47

BigFatLiar · 21/10/2024 15:35

Of course, women also cheat, but I know of far more couples who broke down because the male partner was unfaithful.

I suspect a combination of men being more likely to let it go and women being less likely to be caught out.

I doubt it. I think women are more likely to find reasons to justify staying, especially when children are involved. I also don't hear of many women availing themselves of the services of sex workers, being closet pedophiles, and the list goes on. I don't think there is a "but both sides" argument to this at the same level.