If you think not having children is selfish…

[JolieFilleCommentCaVa]

Can you explain why?

Saw a thread on X/Twitter that went viral of an OP stating they were choosing to stay child free in their 20’s. Hundreds of replies telling them how ‘selfish’ they are.

What makes it selfish?

Some people feel you aren’t providing more people for society. So for the workforce to look after us when we are elderly, pay taxes and so on. They think it’s Selfish to think of yourself and run away from responsibility of children rather than creating more life.

Happily selfish childfree person here. I don’t want to bring other humans into this shitty world tbh. If that makes me selfish so be it.

There is also an element of envy, if those people are being honest with themselves.

Was it a woman in her 20s choosing her career/working/travelling/independent living over children?

Be surprised if the answer was no, she was on UC in a council flat. Having children at all then would make her selfish. Even worse if she was going to have two!

Misogynistic hypocrisy never surprises me.

That’s crazy. Having children is selfish. I had mine because I wanted them. Because I believed that they would bring me joy. They do. But I don’t know how their life here on earth will be. I hope it wi be happy and filled with joy and laughter. I will do everything in my power to make that so. But it may not be. And I was willing to have them and risk that because I so wanted them.

Those who believe that being child free is selfish must think that children are a “duty” not a “joy”. That is very sad if they have chosen to bring kids into the world.

There are other ways to contribute to society than having children. Think of the actresses/writers/ inventors/ scientists who were child free.

Based on responses to me (not from actual friends and family, but friends’ parents, randoms met at neighbours’ parties etc), it appeared to stem from (largely unrecognised) resentment that I’d made an ‘easier’ choice that involved less work, less expense, less bodily alteration — plus, crucially, it made them face up to the fact that they had also had a choice. That having babies isn’t compulsory.

Much easier for a certain type of person to think they’d just ‘done what everyone does’ in living some kind of enforced ritual that involved 2.4 children, a job in middle management and a semi in suburbia.

Meeting someone in her late 30s who was childfree by choice, despite having no fertility or finance issues and in a longterm, happy relationship, and quite happy with her life, was clearly hugely triggering for some.

The last thing a child needs is to be born into a home where people don't want them.

Leave the baby making for people who are thrilled to be parents.

I've never understood the 'selfish' accusation either.

Selfish for not giving your parents grandchildren?

Selfish because you've decided you don't want the next 20 years of your life (and beyond) to be dictated by what your children need?

Well, I suppose it is 'selfish' if you're making the decision not to put the desires of your parents and needs of hypothetical people who don't yet exist over your own needs, wants and desires. But that doesn't make it wrong.

I suppose it's just bitterness from people who did choose to have children and feel that everyone else should be equally self sacrificing. No idea really.

I suppose it's just that women aren't supposed to prioritise themselves ever and it makes some people feel uncomfortable when women do 'womaning' wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because once those crazy cats break free of societal expectations, who knows where it'll end!

💯- having children is a choice and should be made for right reasons not because of societal pressure

I know my Mum (who was quite a religious person, born 1930s) thought it was almost a duty to replace yourself - so if you were a couple you should at least have 2 children. And, i suppose, looking at things from the point of population, that is very logical.

And, i suppose, if you very much enjoy your own life, then it could be viewed as a bit selfish not wanting to give that opportunity to another person by opting not to bring anyone else into the world to enjoy it as you have.

So - there's 2 possible views.

And - in a literal sense - it is selfish if you only have yourself to think about.

Of course, many childless people are caring for parents or vulnerable family members but for those that aren't then they might not need to put other people first very often at all.

They literally are able to put their own needs first at all times without needing to consider how their decisions impact others.

Can't think of any other reasons. And those aren't necessarily my views. Just answering your question.

Mother of 2 here. And I don’t think it’s selfish. It would be wrong to have an unwanted child to satisfy society’s expectations

I’ve seen three main types of attitudes.

The ones who feel pity for us, because parenting makes them so happy & they think we’re missing out - unimaginative & patronising, but they mean well.

The ones who feel anger / resentment, presumably because on some level they’re jealous.

And the sensible ones who simply aren’t bothered.

Only misogynists think it's selfish, I certainly wouldn't take their opinions seriously.

I think having children is the most selfish thing a person can do (and I have one). To never exist guaranteed peace and lack of suffering.

I don't think it is selfish either way. People should just mind their own business.

I get told I'm selfish for having had 5 children. Anything less or more than the perfect 2 children is seen as selfish unfortunately.

But really, it is more likely to be selfish for having children than not. If you are not financially or emotionally capable, do not have children. Those who ruin their children's lives are selfish. But not having a child is never selfish, ever. You have no duty to do that whatsoever.

Haha, I have an only child and the sentiment is the same! Can't win.

The only selfish act in my view is continuing to deliberately create children when you are not in a position to support them yourselves as a net contributor to society.

it's very strange, because almost without fail, the first 'gotcha' trotted out whenever someone says they don't want to have kids is a variation on "who is going to look after you when you're old?"/"hope you enjoy being miserable and alone in the nursing home"
....and isn't that incredibly selfish? (as well as making a lot of presumptions)

Some people think it’s selfish to not want children,but think that people who do want children and need IVF and expect it on the NHS are also selfish.

Me too. I’ve got one adult son and been told pretty much since day one it’s not fair on him not having a sibling. Despite my son saying it’s never been an issue everyone else seems to have an opinion.

It's only selfish to have a child whom you don't want and thus go on to neglect and or otherwise deliberately deprive as a direct result.

Having children and loving and bringing them up to the best of your abilities = not selfish.

Deciding/realising that children are not for you and not having them = not selfish.

I've been on online forums for years and occasionally heard the "not having children makes you selfish" line. Never really understood it.

Some people feel you aren’t providing more people for society. So for the workforce to look after us when we are elderly, pay taxes and so on. They think it’s Selfish to think of yourself and run away from responsibility of children rather than creating more life.

This. We see it on here all the time. Posted by people who forget that childfree people also,pay the taxes that help pay for their children's healthcare and education etc.

Because child free from choice people are selfishly living their lives, minding their business and being quite content with their freedom, extra disposable income and hobbies and interests. The very least they can do is make people struggling in the trenches of parenthood feel better by acting miserable, unfulfilled and envious of their 'little families'. Selfish to the core the lot of them.