If you think not having children is selfish…

[JolieFilleCommentCaVa]

Can you explain why?

Saw a thread on X/Twitter that went viral of an OP stating they were choosing to stay child free in their 20’s. Hundreds of replies telling them how ‘selfish’ they are.

What makes it selfish?

If the OP had never been born, she wouldn't have known anything about it. I'm not sure why you think this would be appropriate punishment for this poster?

It is not selfish, it's a personal decision and nobody else's business. I know people without children who live fulfilled lives and are extremely useful to society. It's not up to anyone else to judge. There are often very good reasons, not shared, that people come to that decision.

People often have children for selfish reasons.

We're all different.

I definitely don't think selfish. You are either maternal or not, end of story. I always knew I wanted children simply because I love being around babies & children of all ages. They can be so endearing & funny.They are undoubtedly hard work but the pride, fun & laughter they bring makes up for the difficult times if & when they arise. No matter how I filled my day my life would just feel empty without my children,like I was missing something.

Interesting that men aren't judged to be selfish for not having children in their twenties. Even making a statement about it would be unremarkable. Funny how that works.

But lots of people on here say they weren't maternal at all before having children and some even say they still aren't that maternal even after having them. I'm not sure how much being
"maternal" has to do with it at all.

Jessica seems like an idiot.

I don’t think the decision to not have dc is selfish but it’s certainly easier to live a more self centred life without them.

I think in many cases the reasons for having dc are inherently selfish. But once they’re here, if you’re a normalish female person, the vast majority of decisions get weighed against the needs of your offspring. Of course for many men, it makes little difference.

I’m envious of the clarity of thought that allows people make the decision to be childfree. I feel like I was caught up in a mass societal gaslighting. I think that SM has changed the narrative about dc in the intervening years. But once you’ve had the little blighters you can’t even unwish them without being swamped by guilt!

I wonder if people who are so openly judgemental and critical of the childfree have had particularly easy children or found parenthood a breeze. I didn’t and I wouldn’t push anyone into motherhood that was unsure or reluctant.

I don’t think it’s inherently selfish. I do have a problem with child free people who constantly talk about children and families being inconvenient/a burden and seemingly unaware that in their later years the next generation will be their nurses, doctors, actors, shop workers etc etc. Choosing not to have kids is fine, acting like you’re somehow self sufficient is deluded.

I don't understand the need to announce it on "look at me" SM. Personal choice, no one else's business.

I didn’t like/retweet etc, and can’t remember the username so it’s lost upon my feed unfortunately.

I think it was an American that posted it, and mostly Americans in the replies due to the uses of “ya’ll” and “mom”. You might be able to find it if you type in “child free” and “selfish”. I’m not searching for it because some of the responses were making me angry 😂

Its many years ago now and we were not childfree by choice, but goodness this is familiar.

I’ll caveat this by saying I have children but I’m happy in that decision and completely understand why it’s not for everyone.

I suppose you can live a more ‘selfish’ lifestyle without children, as in spend money on yourself and what you want, prioritise things like holidays etc. I don’t see anything wrong with that though and it’s what we did before kids!

I believe anyone who is coming at the ‘selfish’ point from another angle such as ‘you should allow your parents to be grandparents’/‘you should provide to society’ are people who aren’t actually truly happy at how their own lives turned out and are finding a stick to take down happier people with. 😂

It would be boring and over populated if we were all the same!

There's nothing selfish about choosing to remain childless.

Not from me. I mean I wouldn't call a child free person selfish anyway, no-one owes society children, especially if you don't want them.

I don't envy child free people though. Even though I basically never get any time to myself and when I do I have to catch up on drudgery I'm never envious of people without children. Maybe a huge part of that was that I suffered infertility until my late thirties so I had all the free time in the world.

I believe in some families it’s frowned upon if any decide not to have children. Imagine if you have 4 siblings and all have children. Then your many cousins have children too. Some people may think this childfree person has problems. Once the childfree person has children, they feel more welcomed.

This is the case with a friend and her family.

It's the best life for a woman. I couldn't care less if others think it's selfish.

"What a silly, blinkered post."
"You know nothing whatsoever about my mother"
"Don’t project your own insecurities about your own life path onto others. Own them."

Quite

Why are there so many threads on mumsnet about this? If you are sensitive about not having kids, it’s a bit masochistic to spend time on a parenting forum.

No-one really thinks this. It literally makes no sense. Having children is selfish. That doesn't mean its bad - most of what humans do is selfish. People have children because they want children. Who else are they having them for? Of course, being a parent can be extremely unselfish, but you have to bring the hypothetical child into existence before you can act for their welfare. People who say this are just reacting emotionally due to some insecurity in themselves or their choices.

I am a parent 😉

If you’re not interested in the thread, don’t read it and move along.

Not selfish at all. I actually sort of envy people who are happily child-free. I went through fertility treatment which was a truly wretched experience. My biggest wish at that time was to have a child. My second biggest wish was to not mind if I didn’t ever have a child. I think the joy and peace that must come from voluntary childlessness is enviable.

@MrsForgetalot I’m envious of the clarity of thought that allows people make the decision to be childfree.

For me, there was never any actual conscious 'thought' - I just always knew that I didn't want children. From conversations I've had with my gay best friend, I wouldn't be surprised that for a lot of people it's much the same - you just 'know'.

There was never any question that my mind could be changed by anyone...my mother, society etc. My mother spent two decades trying to change my mind, I must have heard every line in the book, the most oft repeated one being that old chestnut 'If I'd thought like that you wouldn't be here' ... a pathetic comeback that only shows the ignorance of the person saying it.

What motivated you to start this thread? It’s bizarre.

Much easier for a certain type of person to think they’d just ‘done what everyone does’ in living some kind of enforced ritual that involved 2.4 children, a job in middle management and a semi in suburbia

I think this is bang on. I had kids late (39) and when I used to encounter that kind of reaction it wasn’t so much judgement or envy as perplexity that people had veered off the “preset” path.

If you were brought up in a family where everyone went on at you about “when are you going to start a family?” etc there’s a lot of pressure to comform. There’s an ambient acceptance of the idea that having children is just what you do. A lot of people don’t really question this and end up basically having kids by default.

When they encounter happy, well adjusted adults without children they feel a bit cheated and then project their frustration onto the child free.