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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of DSD double standards

185 replies

Hater8412 · 20/10/2024 07:10

So backstory I have 2 DS (13 and 12) and DH has DSD (15) and DSS (12). We used to have DSD 50/50 but due to DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children so now we have EOW plus holidays etc.
we went on holiday in June with all children and we have not seen DSD since and when DH has tried talk to her it’s 1 word answers or just rudeness.
This week DH asked her about Xmas and coming over to be replied with ‘ I am not F’ ing coming’ but the actual word. DH was going to reply but was angry so I told him to calm down and be the day and text later when he had calmed. Yesterday he gets a link from DSD for an event she wants to go to- no apology or general chit chat first just a link so he books tickets for him and step children for a weekend we don’t have children and actually me and him had plans to this event a 5 hour drive away. I am livid that she has not been punished or bought up about her behaviour and doesn’t see him from 1 month to the next and then wants an expensive trip and it’s booked instantly. My boys adore DH and he doesn’t even come on meals out when we have them and not his children- they both choose to spent time with him and actively interact with him where as DSD is rude and then in my opinion gets a massive reward.
i am so angry I can not even talk or look at him right now and last night wanted to pack me and my boys and just leave- please tell me if I AIBU

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 20/10/2024 07:15

Have some empathy. He no longer has his kids 50/50. He probably desperately wants to cling onto a relationship with his daughter. He's booked this to try to please her and spend time with her.

It might not be how I would want to react to my kids. But they are his and this is his choice.

DustyLee123 · 20/10/2024 07:16

It’s his daughter and he can parent her however he wants, as he will want to maintain their relationship. If you don’t like to see it then maybe it would be better for your stress levels if you did split.

Completelyjo · 20/10/2024 07:18

I think your expectations for punishment are over the top for a 15 year old saying a bad word once.
It’s pretty shit to go from 50/50 to every other weekend and blame work. Your children are still your children regardless of work.
Parents with new families seem to make these sorts of decisions and expect it to have no repercussions but that’s not reality. She feels dumped and abandoned because she has been.

Whaleandsnail6 · 20/10/2024 07:20

I actually feel really sorry for step daughter.

Your husband decided to reduce contact from 50/50 to every other weekend because of work? Thats a pretty rubbish amount to see a child and not really active parenting.

No wonder she doesn't communicate with him much

Autumn38 · 20/10/2024 07:21

With the best will in the world. Your children are your children and his daughter is his daughter.

it might be that you need to trust him to deal with his daughter and get her through the tricky teenage years. She’s 15 and dealing with having two homes and two families.

Gemstonebeach · 20/10/2024 07:21

Have you considered having the children on alternate weekends so they get 1 to 1 time with their parent?

WillLiveLifeAgain · 20/10/2024 07:22

I empathise with you. She should have been brought up for this - he’s Disney parenting. It used to drive me mad that bad behaviour wasn’t addressed.

andfinallyhereweare · 20/10/2024 07:25

Not great but it’s his daughter what can you expect?

Ionlytrymybest · 20/10/2024 07:26

He wants to spend time with her she is pulling away most likely due to the fact there 50/50 home was ripped from her because work commitments but you seem to have your children still in the house full time. That’s where the double standards are.

Pat888 · 20/10/2024 07:26

She's 15 - 15 year olds are ungrateful, selfish etc.
I would say he is upset at the reduced contact but doesn't go on about it so has to clutch at straws.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/10/2024 07:27

So her father reduced his time with her by about 50%. You dismiss that.

She reduces her time with him and that's punishable?

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 20/10/2024 07:29

He sees her on his terms…
Maybe it’s a two way street.

Codlingmoths · 20/10/2024 07:30

There are separate issues here. It’s shitty reducing time with your child, did he consider other work? I don’t blame him for bending over backwards, you say he hasn’t seen her for months, how much effort has he put in to try? I hope LOADS.
Then, him not bothering to ever come out to dinner with your dc - not ok, that kind of behaviour has to end once you blend a household. If you don’t live together it’s ok but once you do…

Completelyjo · 20/10/2024 07:30

arethereanyleftatall · 20/10/2024 07:27

So her father reduced his time with her by about 50%. You dismiss that.

She reduces her time with him and that's punishable?

‘doesn’t see him from 1 month to the next and then wants an expensive trip and it’s booked instantly’
The father dumps her for every other weekend from 50/50 which is a huge reduction and then the child gets moaned at for not seeing him enough when he’s made it clear he’s not interested in being a proper parent and she gets betrayed for being rude!

CarlaBird · 20/10/2024 07:30

arethereanyleftatall · 20/10/2024 07:27

So her father reduced his time with her by about 50%. You dismiss that.

She reduces her time with him and that's punishable?

Exactly this.

Meadowfinch · 20/10/2024 07:32

Look at it from his point of view. She is his dd. He loves the very bones of her and the relationship is going through a tough patch. Something is clearly wrong and if I were him, I'd want to find out what.

He chose his work over his children, that may have upset her, perhaps she feels rejected. She's in the middle of teen angst, GCSEs coming up. It's a tough year. If I was him, I'd need to spend time with her too.

He could have done it with a bit more consideration for you though.

purplebeansprouts · 20/10/2024 07:33

You can't expect him to want to spend time with your kids when his own kid doesn't want to see him. He must be really hurting. I'd cut him some slack in the regard. If he wants to be a Disney dad to his daughter that's his choice if you want to leave him as he's ruining your family life go ahead. I'd be pissed off too.

Loadsapandas · 20/10/2024 07:33

Did something happen on holiday?

Shes happy to spend time with him but not at Christmas when the whole family is there?

Is it possible that she had an issue with you and/or your DC, maybe that they spend more time with her dad than she does?

Can he offer to go for a meal or something with her 1:1 maybe once a week to rekindle their relationship away from everyone else?

SometimesCalmPerson · 20/10/2024 07:33

Maybe she doesn’t want to be forced into the whole blended step family but would happily do something without her Dad. Or maybe she feels like she still has the right to ask her parents for things she wants like every other teenager, even if she doesn’t want to hang out with her Dada new girlfriend at Christmas.

You have nothing to be livid about and should probably try to open your mind and find some empathy.

Pinenuts91 · 20/10/2024 07:34

Yeah i guess it usually makes poor behaviour worse if they are not consistently called up on it and are seen as rewarded.

But if I was in his situation I would do the same. I would be desperate to see my child and punishing by not doing the trip just means I wouldn't see her :(. So even though I agree it's poor I know I would do exactly the same 😅 it's easy for me over a screen to say how to implement boundaries when it's not my child. But if I'm losing a relationship with them then the desperation would definitely kick in. My DH would do the same too.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 20/10/2024 07:35

Hi OP, this sounds less than optimal for everyone. I'm not a step parent but I've worked with teenagers for decades they are unpredictable sometimes but in my experience if you reward bad behaviour you are teaching that it is acceptable.
I'm a little concerned for your children as well. They seem to also have little contact with your husband. Possibly your instinct is right and this isn't working for you or them.

2Old2Tango · 20/10/2024 07:36

At 15 teens want to be spending their weekends seeing friends and boyfriends, so being packed off to Dad, who has already reduced his contact, is probably irritating to her teenage self. Has your DH made much effort to find out why his DD hasn't wanted to come? How does she get on with your DSs? I can imagine being 15yo and having to stay with two teen boys (one almost teen) who she isn't related to is probably also a pain. Does she have a room to herself when she stays?

MoveToParis · 20/10/2024 07:42

so you’re sooooo angry that he won’t parent in the way you instruct him to?

Other than polishing your own halo what’s in it for you to make their relationship more difficult? Like we don’t know.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 20/10/2024 07:44

Why don't you kick your boys out of their home and see them EOW and see how your relationship holds up?

There are some double standards going on here, but they aren't from the 15yo who's feeling hurt about her dad drastically reducing hos time with her.

Apolloneuro · 20/10/2024 08:21

It’s not ok that he booked this knowing you two had plans.

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