To be sick of DSD double standards

[Hater8412]

So backstory I have 2 DS (13 and 12) and DH has DSD (15) and DSS (12). We used to have DSD 50/50 but due to DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children so now we have EOW plus holidays etc.
we went on holiday in June with all children and we have not seen DSD since and when DH has tried talk to her it’s 1 word answers or just rudeness.
This week DH asked her about Xmas and coming over to be replied with ‘ I am not F’ ing coming’ but the actual word. DH was going to reply but was angry so I told him to calm down and be the day and text later when he had calmed. Yesterday he gets a link from DSD for an event she wants to go to- no apology or general chit chat first just a link so he books tickets for him and step children for a weekend we don’t have children and actually me and him had plans to this event a 5 hour drive away. I am livid that she has not been punished or bought up about her behaviour and doesn’t see him from 1 month to the next and then wants an expensive trip and it’s booked instantly. My boys adore DH and he doesn’t even come on meals out when we have them and not his children- they both choose to spent time with him and actively interact with him where as DSD is rude and then in my opinion gets a massive reward.
i am so angry I can not even talk or look at him right now and last night wanted to pack me and my boys and just leave- please tell me if I AIBU

Ah another lovely thing of blended families.

He cnba to see her more than eow and yet she’s the bad child. And how dare he not do things with your children he lives with more than his own child.

You popped onto that recent lender family thread yet?

Is it a hill to die on? No.

She’s clearly angry and upset about something and likely lacks the emotional maturity to express herself. She’s only 15 give her a break.

It is quite a big rejection to go from 50/50 to every other weekend. I’m not surprised she is upset about that.

YABU. She's hurt that she's not a priority for her dad, so she's acting out in a pretty mild way.

She has a home - thanks to your DH's choices, it's not with you or her dad. Why shouldn't she want to spend Christmas in her own home with her main parent?

Your DH knows that he hasn't prioritised his DD and feels guilty - hence throwing money at the problem and booking the expensive event.

DSD is 15 and I'm guessing she isn't stupid. She knows that she can extract money/things/trips out from her dad because he'll pay to compensate for his parental failings. She may well view him buying her stuff as some sort of test that he still cares about her, or she might think that he's not around much so she may as well rinse him for what she can get. It's pretty pointless expecting finer feelings from teens.

She is a hurt teen. On what planet do parents choose work and living with other children over their own?

One way to fuck her up.

they both choose to spent time with him and actively interact with him where as DSD is rude and then in my opinion gets a massive reward.

She's his child. She shouldn't have to win his love and attention through her behaviour. He needs to reach out to her and he probably sees this event as being a good way of doing so.

15 year old girls can be extremely obnoxious and rude. I used to call dd out at the time and just tell her ‘that’s rude and hurtful’. She would usually apologise after. She grew out of it. Being your dsd adds an extra layer of difficulty. She is only 15 though with all the emotions building up but not yet able to understand or express them.

Long story short, 15 yr olds are often foul and determined to disconnect from their parents in an attempt to be independent. They are also solely concerned with their friends and their own affairs at that age. Out of sight, out of mind.
They do grow out of it.

Also, obviously your dh is going to love and prioritise his daughter however bloody awful she is being. He will want to keep the positive connections with her going however the opportunities present themselves. You might not agree with that but that's what he's doing. Paying for the event she wanted tickets for is dad's way of showing her forgiveness and love.

It's lovely that your boys adore him but he is going to choose his own dc every time. Of course he is.

It nowhere says he singlehandedly decided to do it, it was agreed by the ex and him together.

And yes, the 50/50 to EOW is huge drop and no matter how it has been presented, will feel like a rejection.
It just will.
Meanwhile your boys, whoever they are, get him full time.

Well, she lives with her mum?
Would she want to hang aorund OPs place with her dad absent because of work with just OP and her step-sibling?

She is 15 not an adult. I am sure she would like her father to prioritise her relationship. Surely you can see that?

As a mother I made career choices to ensure I have time with my children. I am sure he doesn't work 24/7.

She could spend time in the evening, share meals, go for a run together etc. you make time and share it as a family, hardly earth scattering?

I think it's pretty bad for him to drop his contact hours so drastically. When you have them, do they spend some alone time with your DH or is it always with your DC too?

It's obviously bad for your DSD to swear, but i am not sure how you don't see that they are hurt by being dropped?

How your DC interact and spend time with your DH is not really relevant here.

Your kids see their stepdad every day, his biological kids see their dad two days out of 14. No wonder she's upset, she's bound to feel rejected. Let your husband do what he feels best about his own daughter, don't make him feel guilty about wanting to spend time with her. I think you need to grow up, you sound as if you resent him spending time with his own kids. Surely, your own kids have some sort of relationship with their biological dad? Blended families take patience and understanding and for the adults not to feel jealous and resentful. I think you're being very unreasonable.

Indeed. What if DSD's mum decided she wanted to work abroad and dropped both kids off at the OP's house?

It's a very male thing to think that you don't have to fit your job around your kids. And men have really done a number on women with the amount of women who apparently accept this as an unwritten truth.

I’d love to hear your dsd’s side of things. She is acting out because she’s hurt. The behaviour doesn’t need punishing. It needs understanding, time, effort, to break barriers down and rebuild the relationship with her dad… but he’s not going to get that doing eow.

A 15 year old girl is miles away developmentally from a 12/13 year old boy and girls are tricker in general than boys. No she hasn’t acted well. Your dh has acted worse abandoning her like this. It sounds as if he needs to make some serious amends and love bomb her.

Fuck. Fucking. Fucked. They aren't magic words, it won't do any harm if you write them down. Or even, if you say them. Not even if you're under 21.

She's made a suggestion of a time/place which might make seeing her father acceptable to her. He's responded positively. It's going well so far, so don't interfere.

This with bells on. Poor kids.
YABVU

Blending families is hard and yes I think you are a little here - you reduced contact due to his work schedule you must have expected that to have an impact on their relationship

15 year old girls are hard work in general add this to the mix and it’s is going to be tough

and he is not your boys father

Well that's what you get for sticking up for her when she swore him and he wanted to deal with it. Why complain then when he bought her the tickets. She sounds awful but that's his child and he should deal with it.

He hasn't seen her since June? It's October!

I think your expectations for punishment are over the top for a 15 year old saying a bad word once.

Surely it’s not the word but the attitude behind it that needs to be addressed?

Assume it's his house as you would have to pack your boys and leave?

He should take his children to whatever it is his daughter has asked to go to but he already had plans with you, he's shown you that you don't matter. He didn't even bother to discuss that your plans would need to be changed.

He doesn't consider the family blended. Just leave him.

But the 'attitude behind it' has been caused entirely by her father choosing to drop down from seeing her 3.5 days per week to 1 day. His house is no longer her home. Most people want to spend Christmas at home. So 'her attitude being it', whilst not being articulated perfectly, is entirely valid.