To be sick of DSD double standards

[Hater8412]

So backstory I have 2 DS (13 and 12) and DH has DSD (15) and DSS (12). We used to have DSD 50/50 but due to DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children so now we have EOW plus holidays etc.
we went on holiday in June with all children and we have not seen DSD since and when DH has tried talk to her it’s 1 word answers or just rudeness.
This week DH asked her about Xmas and coming over to be replied with ‘ I am not F’ ing coming’ but the actual word. DH was going to reply but was angry so I told him to calm down and be the day and text later when he had calmed. Yesterday he gets a link from DSD for an event she wants to go to- no apology or general chit chat first just a link so he books tickets for him and step children for a weekend we don’t have children and actually me and him had plans to this event a 5 hour drive away. I am livid that she has not been punished or bought up about her behaviour and doesn’t see him from 1 month to the next and then wants an expensive trip and it’s booked instantly. My boys adore DH and he doesn’t even come on meals out when we have them and not his children- they both choose to spent time with him and actively interact with him where as DSD is rude and then in my opinion gets a massive reward.
i am so angry I can not even talk or look at him right now and last night wanted to pack me and my boys and just leave- please tell me if I AIBU

When he reduced the contact to one weekend in a fortnight, he kind of signed up for this.

Can he add one evening a week him meeting with his children (preferably without you)?

YABU to be annoyed about him trying to reconnect even through Disney parenting.
YANBU to re-evaluate, whether the overall situation works for you.

Why is it a bad attitude though? The father doesn’t prioritise seeing her so she doesn’t want to see him? Seems like a pretty fair response emotionally. Actions have consequences, seeing your teen significantly less will most likely result in a negative effect on the relationship.
It’s not a bad attitude for the dad to prioritise work over his children but it’s a bad attitude for the child to feel badly over it?

This

I think your anger is totally misplaced.

How would your kids feel if they suddenly only saw you EOW because you decided you wanted to work?

Your anger is directed at the wrong person.
Your sd is behaving like your h- what did you think would happen when your h went from 50/50 to EOW? Your h is desperate to see her at any cost and doing that Disney dad thing of paying to alleviate his guilt of EOW. Sd is treating contact the way that her dad is- not a high priority and something to be fitted around more important things in their lives.

If your h is earning more because he’s working more then I understand why he’d want his kids to benefit from his increased income.

How would you punish use of the word fuck in a message when you don’t see your child often ? It’s very different to living with the child and being able to immediately say don’t swear in your messages to me.

That poor girl. Don't you remember what 15 felt like? Don't you remember what massive pains in the arse 12 and 13 year old boys were? And your sons that she's not even related to see her dad more than she does. He's prioritised work (and probably living nearer to your kids schools etc) over having her there consistently. And as for punishing her for saying fuck, well, you've clearly never sat on a bus at 3:30 and heard how teenagers speak have you.

Maybe they can knock her down to holidays only. So ops sons who are devoted to her partner can have even more of him.

Not sure how you can love a man who would willingly conform 50:50 to eow to be honest and don’t say ooo but work it was impossible.

Hmm how does mum cope? How do single parents cope? Always men finding excuses why they can’t have their kids.

Exactly. Lone parents including myself manage to raise their kids full time. Men always use work as an excuse.

She doesn't deserve punishment for saying 1 rude thing, her dad has done the right thing booking this for them and not holding it against her. Especially as he's him who's gone back on his agreement to have her 50/50 to suit himself and his own work. She's a teenager and that must be hard for her, good on him for still trying.

Surely it’s not the word or the attitude, but the dad abandoning her that has caused it? How else would a 15yo react?? ‘Dear Father, I find I increasingly resent your decision to only see me very occasionally, i can see you suffer from the delusion that saying ‘but WORK’ makes it all ok, but the net impact is the same- you are unable to take a parental role under the current contact model and as such I have made the decision to not regard you in a parental light. As such, go fuck yourself.’ Would that feel more appropriate?

A 15-year-old hormonal teenager gets told by dad I want to reduce the time I see you due to my work , You have no say in this as I am the adult .
What a dick move !
Hormonal teenagers get an attitude and treats dad how she feels she's being treated, but you want her to be punished for swearing 🤬

And this thread is the answer to that one below:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5190108-to-think-mn-is-horrible-about-blended-families?page=1

15 is a horrible age to be especially for a girl. On top of that her Dad doesn't want her. You say he does but teenagers read actions above words.

You also sound like you are competing with her which is horrible and not a mature way to manage your relationship with her.

She's angry with him.

It's a pretty unusual parent who accepts a work schedule, rather than declining because they wouldn't be able to see their DC.

What would happen if his ex did that?

Teenage girls can be absolutely obnoxious sometimes, it’s just how they are. What I’m getting from the information you’re giving is that she feels totally unsure as to whether she is important or not so is being foully rude and pushing him away over Xmas to then see if he then gets her something she wants when she demands.

It’s not about Xmas, it’s not about the event that she sent a link for. It’s about where she is unsure where she fits in and doesn’t have the skills to navigate it all any other way. She is seeking reassurance. We had similar issues with DSDs. They just needed to know that DH wasn’t going to abandon or replace them and it wasn’t about them finding their place in a new family situation it was about ME knowing my place and prioritising them. I can tell you at times they were horrendous. I let DH deal with it and now I cannot explain what wonderful friends we are all and i adore them. We never bring up the past to them but there have been occasions they’ve been sad recalling things said or done to me and every time I say ‘forget it don’t worry I understood’ and you have to remember it will all get better ❤️‍🩹

Your DH will need to do whatever it takes to mend the relationship. As I'm sure you would with yours when the time comes.

Why didn't you support him to maintain the 50/50 when his work schedule changed?

Be grateful that your children are polite, kind and well brought up. They are a credit to you.
His is a brat. See how that reflects on him and his parenting.

If my dad had decided he had to reduce the time I stayed with him because his 'work schedule' came first, yet managed to live with someone else's children full time, I think at 15 I'd have thought the least he could do was spend some money on me. Doesn't compensate for his time but it's better than nothing.

this - she must feel so rejected that he can’t care for her but can for other children (even if that’s not the reality and you do all the caring, it may be her perception). Sounds perfectly normal to be annoyed and she’s testing the boundaries by saying unkind things and making demands - checking to see if dad still loves her. He needs to find a way to show her that he does. Can he change work schedule? Come over during week to pick up for school and spend evening with her? Dedicated 1-1 time? At the moment he has gone from seeing her half of time to two days every 14, can you not see why she might want to say F off to him asking about Xmas?!

@KimberleyClark the fathers attitude needs addressed, yes. Choosing to discard his child is disgraceful. Quite right that she returns that energy.

Indeed. How can an absent father effectively discipline his child? He's not really present in her life enough to have the right to.

This. He's too busy to see his own children more than 4 days a month, yet sees yours at least 15 days I would think?

She's angry. He's the parent. His job to build the relationship.

I feel like I'm looking into DD's future. She'll be painted as a brat but in reality she's just a hurt kid that feels like she's never been a priority.

Glad your DH is doing what it takes to remain in his DD's life. Like PP said, I can be against "disney parenting" all I like but if I've not seen my kid for 4 months (unthinkable tbh) and she wants to go to an event, we're going.

Anyone who describes a child behaving the way the ops sd has under the circumstances described as a brat, can be ignored due to not having the capacity to empathise. Not opinions worth any value.

Why respond with emotion when you clearly haven't read the post? It says:

"but due to DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children"

So quite clearly THEY (him and ex) have discussed it and made a decision on what is best for the children.

Perhaps this is not what the DD wants, but if THEY have decided it's what is best then that's what happens.

I know another couple who found that 50/50 wasn't working well and they decided for stability of the kids that EOW and 1 evening a week would be far more consistent with school, activities etc...

@Hater8412 Under no circumstances is it OK for the daughter to speak to her dad like that. I certainly wouldn't be booking any fun activities until a face to face conversation had happened to discuss the animosity towards him. As he has already booked, then I'd not be taking her unless she is willing to have a discussion about her attitude.