To be sick of DSD double standards

[Hater8412]

So backstory I have 2 DS (13 and 12) and DH has DSD (15) and DSS (12). We used to have DSD 50/50 but due to DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children so now we have EOW plus holidays etc.
we went on holiday in June with all children and we have not seen DSD since and when DH has tried talk to her it’s 1 word answers or just rudeness.
This week DH asked her about Xmas and coming over to be replied with ‘ I am not F’ ing coming’ but the actual word. DH was going to reply but was angry so I told him to calm down and be the day and text later when he had calmed. Yesterday he gets a link from DSD for an event she wants to go to- no apology or general chit chat first just a link so he books tickets for him and step children for a weekend we don’t have children and actually me and him had plans to this event a 5 hour drive away. I am livid that she has not been punished or bought up about her behaviour and doesn’t see him from 1 month to the next and then wants an expensive trip and it’s booked instantly. My boys adore DH and he doesn’t even come on meals out when we have them and not his children- they both choose to spent time with him and actively interact with him where as DSD is rude and then in my opinion gets a massive reward.
i am so angry I can not even talk or look at him right now and last night wanted to pack me and my boys and just leave- please tell me if I AIBU

OP didn’t you write a thread before saying you didn’t want dsd coming on holiday with you all?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5077226-to-say-no-to-dsd-coming-on-holiday?page=1

If she swears at you or your kids, obviously remonstrate with her. Otherwise, leave her parents to it.

And I wonder how much dad outsourced to OP.

OP come back when your kids turn 15, and tell us about the things you do in a desperate attempt to get them to notice your existence!

Such a difficult situation but my goodness she has been so hurt by the 50/50 parenting to EOW. The message she has had loud and clear is she doesn't matter and you and her Dad's new family come first.
Suck it up OP, she is 15, you are an adult. Be overly kind and do all you can to include her in the blended family.

They've decided it because of his work

Were there no other options for when he works? Other times he could see her?

She sees that she's lost her dad to two other kids.

No that holiday feed is not from me

Eh. I think it's blindingly obvious that the girl is hurt and upset that her father doesn't have time for her anymore. He's living with someone else's children but only sees his own a couple of times a month. I'd be pissed off too.

Your H has messed up. He got himself into a situation where he could not manage his work, his new life with your family and his responsibilities to the children he fathered. And when something had to give, his time with his children was his choice. Its all very well for you, you are not the casualty of his errors, but put yourself in the position of his daughter and can you truthfully say you would feel no anger? You're angry now at the loss of your one weekend to his daughters event. Imagine if you'd lost as much time as she has.

And yet the OP and obviously her DP can't understand this simple concept.

The ex may well have been perfectly happy about it. You can find loads of threads on here by posters distraught at the prospect of a 50/50 split.

But either way, it doesn’t change the fact that the children are likely to be feeling extremely rejected and deprioritised in favour of their dad’s job. It’s understandable that they’ll be testing boundaries to try to get their father’s affection, attention and money now that he’s made it clear that they don’t have his time.

And how does that give their mum a break?

Does EWO mean every other weekend? "DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children so now we have EOW plus holidays etc." Why should the kid NOT be rude to her dad, who is happy only to see her every other weekend? She is obviously unimportant to him.

No-one will ever convince me that every other weekend is enough contact to have with your child. I do not believe that seeing your child for 2 days out of 14 is enough to be an active parent, fully involved in your kids life.

And especially when this comes about after having 50/50 contact and the parent is now living with 2 similar aged step children, as is the situation in the op.

But thats just my opinion.

I do think the daughter needs to be cut some slack and have some understanding as to why she may be acting out.

It quite clearly is.

You don't have to grasp it. She's not your daughter, she's his, and he's trying to maintain a relationship with her after literally dumping seeing her most of the time for his job. Her mum doesn't have that luxury. And I imagine you weren't stepping up in your household to ensure the 50/50 continued? (Which is your choice, 100%, but choices have consequences.)

At the end of the day, OP, YOUR sons are not HIS sons. He has his own 2 children he needs to parent and work to maintain a relationship with, even through the tricky teenage years. You really have no right to be upset that he's prioritising his daughter over your sons for a 'holiday' she wants to go on because it's literally his job as a parent to prioritise his daughter over your sons.

YABU

Well it isn’t but sure

Amazing.

There is another poster out there in an identical situation to you who is also missing 'the' definite article.

Because then they would have to accept their part in it. So it's better to blame the child for it.

Or it's like how narcissists get angry at you when you confront them with the hurt they have caused. But the OP and her DH would have to have feelings for that.

Unacceptable behaviour from any 15 year old towards her dad (or indeed her mum were it the case). Excuses should not be made. Good behaviour should be rewarded, bad ones have consequences.

It sounds like all the children are being failed here. Your oh has voluntarily chosen to reduce contact. He refuses to spend family time with your children. You blame the child not your oh. Oh dear...

How long have you been together? Have the children been on previous holidays before? Have you spoken to them all about how they feel about this bizarre blended family setup?

Agree.

But still not the OP's place to demand he do things differently here, especially after cutting contact with her so severely for his job. If OP doesn't like it, she should leave.

Mumsnet heads up … you are a step parent and this is a stepchild so therefore you are wrong for everything , at every point . Know your place OP, that’s the bottom of the pile .

Tell me I've no emotional intelligence without telling me I've no emotional intelligence.

Behaviour is communication. A 15 year old has literally been dumped in favour of work. Whist simultaneously seeing her father prioritise other children.

🤦‍♀️

I actually agree with this in general. Most of the time step mums get spoken to horribly on here and are treated really unfairly by posters who clearly have an axe to grind.

But in this case, I think some acknowledgment is necessary of the impact that the father’s decision to downgrade his children in his list of priorities will have had. And it doesn’t seem to be forthcoming from the OP.