To be sick of DSD double standards

[Hater8412]

So backstory I have 2 DS (13 and 12) and DH has DSD (15) and DSS (12). We used to have DSD 50/50 but due to DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children so now we have EOW plus holidays etc.
we went on holiday in June with all children and we have not seen DSD since and when DH has tried talk to her it’s 1 word answers or just rudeness.
This week DH asked her about Xmas and coming over to be replied with ‘ I am not F’ ing coming’ but the actual word. DH was going to reply but was angry so I told him to calm down and be the day and text later when he had calmed. Yesterday he gets a link from DSD for an event she wants to go to- no apology or general chit chat first just a link so he books tickets for him and step children for a weekend we don’t have children and actually me and him had plans to this event a 5 hour drive away. I am livid that she has not been punished or bought up about her behaviour and doesn’t see him from 1 month to the next and then wants an expensive trip and it’s booked instantly. My boys adore DH and he doesn’t even come on meals out when we have them and not his children- they both choose to spent time with him and actively interact with him where as DSD is rude and then in my opinion gets a massive reward.
i am so angry I can not even talk or look at him right now and last night wanted to pack me and my boys and just leave- please tell me if I AIBU

You sound like such a kind stepmother, that's actually made me emotional to read 😢

You're right, 15 is such a crap age to be a girl and she's feeling rejected so pushing him away.

This is ridiculous. You seriously think that there's only one person on Mumsnet who ever wrote a thread about problems with a 15yo step-daughter?

Right, exactly what would the x not agreeing to it look like? She can't force him to take the kid more.

If my daughter's father decided that he only wanted to change the current arrangement obviously she's just going to be with me more, because she's my child and this is her home. I'm not going to say no and then just drop her off on his doorstep when he says he doesn't want to have her.

Well - there's an interesting thread on here about blended families and how well they work for the children.
Perhaps DSD is extremely upset about her Dad leaving the family home to live with another woman and her children, and then reducing her time with him abruptly from half the week to one weekend a fortnight. Perhaps she is expressing some of her upset by refusing to visit him and swearing at him.
DH is right to prioritise spending time with her on her terms and trying to reestablish their connection. Punishing her for swearing at him is not the point just now, and neither is being angry that your own plans were shelved.
I hope that their weekend away is some help.

Even if it IS in some way better for the children to spend most of the time in one place - which it might be - of course they will be upset when it is presented to them that their dad's work takes priority over their time with him.

If you view the other thread, all children involved are the exact same age, holiday aligns with the one mentioned in this thread and other details also match. It’s very clear it’s the same poster using different usernames.

It’s difficult. She shouldn’t be swearing at her father, obviously. But all behaviour is communicated. Why is she behaving like that and what is she trying to communicate?

I would guess anger and hurt at reduced contact with her father and the link to the event was a pretty transparent bid for more time and connection. Yes, your sons also really value him and the time they get to spend with him but relatively they get to see him a lot.

Remember, treating kids equally doesn’t always look like treating them the same depending on different needs and circumstances.

His child, his money, his time, his decision.

"Mumsnet is a website for parents, with around eight million unique users each month and around 20,000 posts on our forums every day"

8 million users, 20,000 posts every day but you're absolutely sure it's the same poster. Even if it was, who gives a shit?

The exact same tone and language in both threads. The fact op isn’t responding to other posts anymore apart from ones regarding the other thread speaks volumes.
It appears she has a vendetta or jealousy towards dsd. Dsd is her OH biological child and any genuine father will put his biological children first before stepchildren.

@TwinklyAmberOrca the fact is that the father is working more so wasn't seeing his kids. To such an extent that it's better for the kids to be with their mum. That's an active choice on Dad's part.

Again, where does it say that he is working more?

It says:

"but due to DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children"

You are making an assumption that he is not able to have his kids more as he is choosing to work more hours. Work schedule could also mean a change in working hours, or not being able to WFH any more.

They have made a decision on what is best for the kids. Yes the kids might want to see their dad more but it's clearly not what works best. Separation is tough but you have to put the kids needs first, and stability is important.

An active choices on Dad's part? Again, it says "him and his ex agreed" which means it's a decision they both made, not just the dad.

DH work had to change due to being self employed and previous company going under so needed work and job he found involved call outs and shift work as well as nights working away. I also work full time and my children and step children are at different schools plus I also do shifts so my parents help with my DC to support me. The chopping and changing days was unsettling for his children so ex bought up stopping the 50/50 his DD wasn’t doing 50/50 at that point by her own choice

He hasn't seen her since June. He has prioritized his work over his children, being responsible for them only 4 days out of the month like they are optional. She must feel very rejected that he thinks this is acceptable (and you think playing happy families with your kids is a positive, this is even worse for her!) and then when she wants to go somewhere with him, you think he should punish her for saying one swear word, and that he should prioritize whatever he has planned with you - who he lives with and sees every day. Poor girl.

You’re absolutely desperate to paint the daughter in a poor light, aren't you op? If your husband was a full time dad to his children, he’d have no choice but to make it work. No excuse.

People seem to be assuming your DS s are his DSS s.....but I'm unsure.
If they are then there's no double standards he's just a petty naff parent....if they are his son's then he's a naff parent and has double standards.

I would say I'd either pull DSS up about the swearing straight away or let it slide. I wouldn't make a note to be rehashed at a later time.

My SD is still like this now as an adult. She seems to think it’s acceptable for her to give us abuse and blame us for her actions one day and the next is asking for stuff without even an apology. Your DH needs to man up and say no

My ex was the same with his kids who didn't live with him. Whatever they wanted they got, he was buying their love and I hated it. They only came to see him to squeeze what they could put of him over a weekend, encouraged by their mother I might add so she didn't have to buy them anything with her maintenance money.

What's weird is to just ignore it. Every part of me would have to ask ' what was that about '. ' what's going on that you swore like that at me' .

I will bet that he doesn't want to hear the truth so will sweep that right under the carpet. That is what is messed up more than anything. He might be great with your kids but is being a real horror to his daughter. Work commitments doesn't cut it

This. She is his daughter and teenagers can be very emotive. Important to remember that their father is not living with them and he will be on receiving end of emotions

She is old enough that she gets to swear a bit in her relationship with an adult who is treating her so poorly. You would likely swear too if your husband told you he was only going to see you every other weekend and some holidays.

he can only fix this with time and effort.

This.

I've not read all the replies so apologies if repeating but a couple of things jump out at me. You say your boys adore DH and DSD stopped communicating after you all went on holiday. Plus her contact with him has gone from 50/50 to EOW. I think you need to stop and really think how this is making her feel. DH needs to spend time with her and repair their relationship. she probably does feel as though you and your children have stolen her father. Then add in hormones and normal teenage behaviour. Please consider the child rather than your own feelings.

These threads I read, how do you you all manage it? Own children together, those from previous partners, stepchildren, stepchildren from previous partners? ♥️

Heck, I find it hard enough to keep up with my own. A logistical nightmare to me. X

*their