To be sick of DSD double standards

[Hater8412]

So backstory I have 2 DS (13 and 12) and DH has DSD (15) and DSS (12). We used to have DSD 50/50 but due to DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children so now we have EOW plus holidays etc.
we went on holiday in June with all children and we have not seen DSD since and when DH has tried talk to her it’s 1 word answers or just rudeness.
This week DH asked her about Xmas and coming over to be replied with ‘ I am not F’ ing coming’ but the actual word. DH was going to reply but was angry so I told him to calm down and be the day and text later when he had calmed. Yesterday he gets a link from DSD for an event she wants to go to- no apology or general chit chat first just a link so he books tickets for him and step children for a weekend we don’t have children and actually me and him had plans to this event a 5 hour drive away. I am livid that she has not been punished or bought up about her behaviour and doesn’t see him from 1 month to the next and then wants an expensive trip and it’s booked instantly. My boys adore DH and he doesn’t even come on meals out when we have them and not his children- they both choose to spent time with him and actively interact with him where as DSD is rude and then in my opinion gets a massive reward.
i am so angry I can not even talk or look at him right now and last night wanted to pack me and my boys and just leave- please tell me if I AIBU

You are flogging a dead horse here op because you’re never going to understand the damage this decision your oh made has caused his daughter. He chose his work over spending time with his own children, yet lives with children who aren’t his. If my husband had children from a previous relationship, I’d be utterly disgusted with him if he made his job a priority over them. It’d show me exactly what sort of person he was.
You just don’t get it though. He’s now desperate to preserve what tatters of a relationship he has with her by indulging her, which obviously upsets you. This isn’t going to improve because you have no compassion for a child who hasn’t chosen any of this, yet bears the brunt of the fallout.

And you’re fooling no one regarding the other thread. It was quite obviously you.

@Hater8412 what are you actually angry about because I can’t actually tell

I agree with everyone else, but on another note, why does he refuse to come for dinner with you and your sons?

She’s clearly hurting or feeling rejected. This is for your DH to sort though but it would be good for him to consider spending some quality time with her whilst she still wants him too.

As for your children of course they come second to her and her brother. They have their own dad. That doesn't mean she gets to be rude to them but you really can’t compare the relationships.

I’m not speculating though, the daughter went from 50/50 time with her mother and father and now the only time her dad wanted her was EOW because of “work”. Those are the facts from the OP, absolutely no speculation needed.

She has to put up with her father married with a woman who is not her mother. Have some pity

The poor girl is probably hurting, confused and angry, OP. Have a little sympathy.

She's bound to act out.

It's a fact of life sadly that parents actually have to work pretty grotty shifts at times and they can't just move careers/jobs at the drop of a hat. Finances do often have to come before family life - pretty sure a lot of parents hate putting their little ones into nurseries for their formative years but that's life. It's yet another example of a child behaving badly and getting away with it. I often wonder if people giving out all this great advice have actually experienced these situations themselves.

It sounds like DSD is aware that she’s not his priority and is acting accordingly.

YABU to expect anything different tbh!

I wish I had boundaries like this. Instead I let my dad and my step mum treat me like I was unimportant for 3 decades before I lost my shit.

God give me strength . They are all out today 🧌

I do think he needs to parent better. Incidentally, I had much less time with my dad, but I was still expected to behave myself in my home with him. It's really bad parenting to opt out of setting boundaries because you don't want to be the bad guy with a child you see less.

I think his choice to set up a plan to see his children for the event is a good one, but a) he needs to communicate with you if he's changing a plan you had made together and b) it would be very reasonable to set an expectation over how she speaks to him before she gets an expensive treat.

This OP crops up every few months.

Absolutely HATES the SD, her boys are perfect blah blah blah.

Partner is worse than useless, she keeps trying to force her boys on him even though the apparently have a fantastic dad.

And don't get me started on the vileness on the mum/ex wife.

Another spectacular example of blended families at their best... but of course the children all love it 😂😂😂

It’s pretty telling that the other thread being linked about a very, very similar scenario is pretty much the only comment the OP has come back to reply to, and not once but twice.

I can understand you being concerned about DSD's behaviour being rewarded, as rudeness is not going to build better family relationships. However... like others have said , the priority seems to be ensuring DSD doesn't feel abandoned by her Dad. Can he use this trip to ask her what she feels about the changed contact and discuss solutions, rather than all the texting? If he waits until they're in a good mood and enjoying the day he'd also have a better chance of respectfully and calmly explaining that some of her behaviour isn't on. I wouldn't see it as a case of either calling out her behaviour or sympathizing. He can do both if he picks his time carefully, though it might need several conversations if she is feeling hurt and rejected. It does sound concerning that he is prioritizing work over time with her. If there really are reasons why EOW is better for her in some ways, then perhaps this needs more explanation and discussion with her than has happened so far? It's one thing temporarily accepting less time with your Dad for practical reasons but feeling he's still there for you and has you in mind when you're not together. It's another thing entirely, thinking you are not a priority in his life.

All behaviour is communication

I'd guess DSD feels rejected and responds by rejecting DH as a test of his commitment to her. I feel sad for her

Something has clearly happened which has upset her. Just to randomly respond to a question about Xmas like that. Maybe on holiday it brought home to her that her step siblings had more time with her df than she does, and after the holiday they get to go home with him and be with him the majority of the time, whilst she has to just be satisfied with the crumbs of every other weekend. . Her df needs to sit down with her one to one and just ask outright if there’s anything upsetting her. I was a dsd who had minimal contact with my df growing up, and it was hellish. I played up on a number of occasions because no-one actually had conversations with me, and I frequently sensed hostility from my step mum.

Who was involved in the discussion about how contact was changed? What say did the SC have in this discussion? What other alternatives were discussed? How were the SC told? What was your part in this, OP?

I wonder if you said you weren't willing to have the SC around so much because of your husband's work? Or whether this is how it was presented by your husband?

I'm not surprised the SD is angry and letting it put in this way. She's been treated terribly. Your husband sounds like he's desperate to do anything to keep contact going, which is fair enough because it's his responsibility and he has caused the rupture. You need to unknot your knickers about the swearing.

Maybe you could try to imagine how you might feel and how your joint children might feel, if your husband moves on to his next relationship and next set of children, and your children get similarly binned off.

I think stepmums often get treated badly on mumsnet. It really does grate though, when the stepmum is on mumsnet making excuses for deadbeat dad behaviour and trying to make him the victim of the situation.

15 year old girls can be utter shits-especially to dads who are “absent” most of the time.
She is also not your daughter, and if you want to continue to have a happy marriage then you need to stay out of it. It’s not your place.
You’re also being unreasonable expecting him to treat your children the same or better than his own flesh and blood. They are not his kids. They are your kids and presumably have their own dad.
You don’t say how long you’ve been married, but have you ever thought maybe his daughter gets bad vibes from you and she’s not into playing happy families with his dad’s wife?
Many of us on here have step kids, you can only parent them if they let you, and you have a close relationship with them. My DH has two daughters aside from our DS. Both grown now, but one of them lived with us and I parented her, she treated me like an actual stepmum (she did not get along with her mother) the other did not live with us, we get on well, but I did not parent her. Her choice, and it worked fine because I respected her boundaries. The parenting was solely my DH and his EW job.
I get the feeling you’ve overstepped his daughters boundaries at some point and now she doesn’t enjoy being at yours

Good god woman stop fibbing 🤣 it 100% is you. All the kids are the exact same genders and ages, your writing, grammar and the way you speak are all identical and your opinions of his daughter are exactly the same. Stop calling her your DSD. You don’t behave like a stepparent (well, you do behave like a wicked stepmother-and pound to a penny that’s what she calls you) Your marriage isn’t going to last much longer if you keep talking about his child so unfavourably to him. When push comes to shove, he will rightly choose her over you.
No point in name changing if you’re not going to change some details 🤣🤣

This 💯

I think you're pissed off that your campaign to manage his daughter out of the family has failed. He doesn't want to reject her and replace her with your children, however marvellous they are. He loves her and he wants a relationship with her (though he has a lot of making up to do if he wants her forgiveness for downgrading her to EOW). You will have to lump it, I'm afraid. She isn't going to disappear in a puff of smoke.

I have commented on others before that so maybe read before you comment- not that I am arsed

15 is a tricky age and it seems blinding obvious that she is hurt by the reduction from 50/50 to EOW. I see her point to be honest and she’s expressing her unhappiness about it the only way she knows how. You are pissed off at having one day of your plans with your DP cancelled when she’s had almost half her time with him taken from her. You sound like you are “that stepmother” to be honest.

Two comment replies and then three comments addressing the other thread in six pages…