To be sick of DSD double standards

[Hater8412]

So backstory I have 2 DS (13 and 12) and DH has DSD (15) and DSS (12). We used to have DSD 50/50 but due to DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children so now we have EOW plus holidays etc.
we went on holiday in June with all children and we have not seen DSD since and when DH has tried talk to her it’s 1 word answers or just rudeness.
This week DH asked her about Xmas and coming over to be replied with ‘ I am not F’ ing coming’ but the actual word. DH was going to reply but was angry so I told him to calm down and be the day and text later when he had calmed. Yesterday he gets a link from DSD for an event she wants to go to- no apology or general chit chat first just a link so he books tickets for him and step children for a weekend we don’t have children and actually me and him had plans to this event a 5 hour drive away. I am livid that she has not been punished or bought up about her behaviour and doesn’t see him from 1 month to the next and then wants an expensive trip and it’s booked instantly. My boys adore DH and he doesn’t even come on meals out when we have them and not his children- they both choose to spent time with him and actively interact with him where as DSD is rude and then in my opinion gets a massive reward.
i am so angry I can not even talk or look at him right now and last night wanted to pack me and my boys and just leave- please tell me if I AIBU

She’s 15 years old, peak hormone time.
Her parents split up; she does care if there was infidelity, arguments or they just weren’t happy; she wants them together.

She has to spend time in a household filled with annoying younger boys, not even a cool older stepsister to bond with, and now her dad doesn’t have as much time for her.

Can you really not see how unhappy she might be and this is the only control she has.

He hasn't seen her for months and she wants to go to an event with him. Of course he'll jump at the idea! He just wants to see her OP. You can't compare it to his relationship with your kids.

Work commitments seem like something to be considered when deciding whether to get a pet rather than whether to parent DC. Poor girl.

She is being a pain in the a* teen and your DH is doing whatever he can to see her and maintain a relationship. The alternative could be loss of contact. He needs to try for 1-1 time with her too. Being a SD is hard. Try to be patient, she will grow out of this phase. I’m talking from experience as a SD

Her father has prioritized work over spending time with her. You can see why she's pissed off, can't you?

exactly. It’s a no brainer. I wish people could understand more hard step families are for DC, especially in teens.

Must be so hard for your DSS who is exactly the same age as your boys and would also probably love to be doing stuff with his dad too, but he doesn’t even get to see his dad everyday or eat with him. Though your boys do.

Teens swear sometimes. She was obviously upset about something. He wants to keep her close and probably is really upset he is seeing less of her. And that she seems to be drifting away from him. He is doing the best he can and I think you should just take a step back from his and her relationship.

Also you want her punished as only sees him once a month. You need to try to keep contact however possible, before she cuts it.

Maybe the ex just gave in knowing you cannot force a man to parent so there was nothing to do but agree that it was best.

I mean if the mother fights against it it could end up being turned that neither parent wanted her.

So yeah it’s in the best interests to have one parent that actually wants her there and doesn’t dump her for work while
having step kids he lives with so sees pretty much every day apart from when at their dads and doesn’t bother to see her for months.

Jeez OP, can you seriously not see that having not seen his DD since JUNE, your OH might just be desperate to preserve some sort of relationship with his daughter?

Yabu. I bet if it were you in this position, you’d move heaven and earth to see your child after months apart! And if you wouldn’t, quite frankly, you should.

He basically rejected his children in favour of his job. It was only to be expected that they would act up. Can you imagine a woman doing that?

Maybe. But that's speculating. Stick to facts and what was written. Unless the OP expands on what she said theb we won't know.

You say your children adore your dh. But how many days a week do they live with him?
I'm guessing it's a more than your dsd is.
Because of your dh's work schedule, her 50:50 contact had been considerably reduced.
While she is probably seeing your children living with her dad, for a lot more days each month.
I'm not surprised if she is angry.
You shouldn't compare your children's emotions to hers.
Her Dad was right to book the event. He is trying to still have a relationship with his dd.

This is often the reality of step-parenting (single people take note and beware). Your stepdaughter is at an age where she will be a bit stroppy at times, your boys will no doubt be similar later on. It's natural for your husband to want to maintain a reasonable relationship with his daughter and later on she will appreciate it. I don't see how it affects you, you have him most of the time.

For clarification this is not the first rude thing she has said to him in way of swearing and calling names. He has offered and continues to offer to pick her up in the evening to grab something to eat or do something just the 2 of them and is mostly ignored.
she get in better with my DS than her brother as they can not seem to be in the same room with out arguing or taking chunks off each other.

But it doesn’t matter whether the mother agreed it was best or not, the result is the same - the father dumping his kid because it no longer suited him due to work. The impact on the DD is no different whether the dad engineered it or the mum.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the first or the 50th, can you really not grasp the affect her parents splitting up, being torn between two homes, disregarded in favour of work a new ‘step-mum’ and ‘step-siblings’, all on top of navigating really challenging teenage years, Oh and presumably exams next year. You really can’t see can you?

Again you're speculating.

By "double standards" do you mean that he treats his own child differently than he treats somebody else's children? Surely that's normal?

He's screwed up his relationship with his daughter: nothing should be more important than fixing that. She only has one father.

By punishment I meant expected to at least apologise for her words by way of a conversation nothing more.
i can grasp it I just wouldn’t allow my children to swear at there dad who has them EOW with no apology or being pulled up for their behaviour and to then sent a link for something 5 hours away (this is something that is on all the time - around the country so does not need to be this location)

Forget convenience, not to benefit the children.

to the DD, she was an inconvenience of course she's hurting.

@Hater8412

you need to clear your head & have a really good think about your situation from your piv, DH''s POV & most importantly from
sll 4 kids POV.

you also need to understand 15 year olds whether in blended families or not, they are generally me me me, easily hurt, & learning how to be independent & get what they want out of life. It's generally not a pleasant stage for everyone else to live alongside 😂

what changes could DH/his Ex make that going back to 50:50 would be possible (if DSD would like that)

Ah I do see how he might be feeling right now. I wouldn’t have at one point before I had a teenager.

My 13 year old DS is really grouchy at the moment and doesn’t want to come out with me anywhere, but if he suggested an event he really wants to go to together I would grab it with both hands despite his grumpiness and disrespectful attitude I have to put up with. Especially if he didn’t live with me.

I can see it from your husband’s point of view. He’s probably just trying to preserve his relationship with his daughter, and this might be chance for them to bond again.

But if he ever pulls his face about you doing the same thing with your boys (spending time with just them), make sure you remind him how important time with just them without him or his kids is.

This is a bit like a parent of a newborn baby being amazed at a toddler tantrum and thinking that the parent of the toddler is a bad parent.

She's acting like a teen. Teenagers do this. Not all of them, not all the time, but it's very common. There is in fact a book about it - "get out of my life but first please take me and Alex to town".

Your boys will also do this.

If your dh punishes her then she will stop seeing him altogether.

To be honest I'm surprised that at 15 the parents are still negotiating contact - normally by this point there is a level of choice from the children.

I wonder how much real choice the ex had in this.