This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

Is he preventing her from working full time?

well it seems strange but also why doesn’t she work more? And if he pays for everything then what does she need to borrow money for?

Has she told you all these details? If so, she has confided in you so it is fine to start with something like 'This doesn't seem right, surely you should have access to family money?' or something.

It's shit. But equally, really no excuse to be working part time with teens, the marriage is likely doomed anyway so she'd be better off working full time which will have the double benefit of giving her more money and being able to financially prepare for the inevitable split.

What is his reaction when she asks him for more money if she runs out? Is she expected to pay any other bills for the family home apart from food? Does she have access to money to go out and socialise? Is her freedom restricted?

But he's paying for most of the living expenses, what is wrong with that??

He pays all the food shopping, mortgage and bills. She has roughly £1000 a month and works PT. She buys some stuff for the kids. Doesn’t sound crazy to me. Only odd bit is her asking others not him for money. She should increase her hours and talk to him.

She has £250 to spend on herself per week?

This isn't financial abuse.

She could work full time. Teens don't need childcare.

So she has 1600 per month for food and essentials?

She works about 3 days per week, but within school hours. He can't cope with thd kids si it all falls in her. She was a SAHM for many years.

The issues for me are

1. They have no shared finances
2. Beyond bills etc, she has no idea how much he has in his accounts - no clue
3. She feels she can't ask him how much money he has saved
4. If she runs out of money - that's it. She can't ask him.
5. Occasionally, he might see fit to give her an amount of cash - like pocket money. Very patronising.

She should work more. He is a tight ass but abusive financially- no.

£1,000 a month for spends feels pretty good to me.

No one needs to work pt with teens.

The kids are teenagers. They can cope with both parents working full time, 9-5pm.

The rest is strange but not financial abuse tbh.

You're obviously wanting us to see him as the bad guy but she has to take some responsibility for the choices she's made as well.

Surely being secretive about money - to your wife - is financial abuse.

My concerns would be:
access to savings
why won’t he buy things the children need
why won’t he tell her how much is in savings.
house in joint names?
I would not find this situation acceptable.

Yes but we don’t know why she can’t ask him. That maybe is just her. Maybe he doesn’t know she’s going short and always thinks he is giving enough?
in any case there’s no reason for her not to work more and get a career going. Also they are married so what’s his is also hers. We don’t know what their relationship is like. Without more info this doesn’t seem to be financial abuse at all. And I was abused so I have some idea of what it looks like.

We have separate accounts. My husband couldn’t tell you what I’ve saved and vice-versa. No big deal and if he asked, I’d tell him but he hasn’t.
She needs to work more.

No it isn't financial abuse.

HTH

If she has £1000 to spend on herself and extras for the children and doesn't have to fund anything else, she is quite well off.

She earns £12000 part-time, so I expect a full-time salary is unlikely to be much more than double that. Both she and her husband may not consider it worthwhile to increase her hours.

Clearly she is very dependent and vulnerable, but you say she thinks it's okay, so she appears to have accepted this very old-fashioned set-up. I don't think it would be appropriate for you to rock the boat. Just be there for her and lend an ear if you sense that she wants to talk or needs help.

In her shoes I would insist on financial transparency, or snoop around to find out what he is doing with all his money if he refuses. I'd also retrain and/or get qualifications to be able to get a 'proper' job. Basically quietly putting things in place to get to a position where I could leave if I wanted to, or not be totally snookered if he chose to end the marriage.

But it's her call.

I should also say, one of the teens has behaviour / mental health issues. It all falls in my friend bc the DH can't cope or engage with it in any way.

I wouldn’t be happy with that. They should both have the same spending money as a bare minimum. I’m a sahm and dh and I pool everything, then give ourselves equal spending money which we each transfer to a separate account each to save or spend as we wish - all our accounts are joint so we can see all of them (including our ones we use individually) when we log in online to our banking. We have a joint account we use for bills and food shopping and kids stuff.

don’t see that has anything to do with the financial issues.

No, that really isn’t financial abuse.

She had all of her bills paid for her, money given for food shopping, she’s choosing to work part time even though her kids are now teens and gets to keep all of her wages to spend on herself.

You trying to call that financial abuse is honestly an insult to the many women who are genuinely being financially abused.