This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

Who pays for clothes, holidays, house maintenence/repairs etc? Who pays for other costs for the children e.g. school lunches, trips etc?

She has £1000 a month to spend and does not have to pay for bills and only works part time with teenage kids? I dont class that as financial abuse at all.

I also think £150 a week isnt a bad amount for shopping. We spend £100 for a family of 4 (2 adults, 2 teens and pets)

If she isnt happy with the status quo and how much he helps with the kids, then that's a conversation they need to have, especially if she wants to increase her earning/saving potential and him not helping with the kids is preventing that

Yes I would say it's financial abuse as he's keeping her in the dark. There needs to be transparent communication.

I think a lot of people will say, understandably, that £1000 a month to spend on herself and get things the children needs, but I couldn’t live with someone who has control of the family finances that way.

Is she scared to tell him when she’s short? Is the weekly shop more expensive than £150, but she doesn’t dare tell him? If so, how does she think he’ll react?

Does she not want to work full time? Being able to work part-time just to be around is a bit of a luxury, depending on your circumstances - he might earn £120k but depending on how much the mortgage is, monthly bills, pension contributions etc. it might not go that far. Does he pay for holidays, leisure/social activities etc.?

This doesn’t sit right with me. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. Finances should be a discussion between two equals, not your friend having to put up with what’s handed out to her. Being a SAHM was a choice both parties made for the benefit of the children. As such her husband should have been paying her NI contributions and towards a pension. I feel like if he wants her to contribute more, it should be a discussion- not her having to do it out of desperation. I bet you if she increases her hours at work her husband won’t increase his share of the domestic labour/ mental load.

Every relationship is different, but I think you are right to be worried. How does your friend react when you ask her about it?

You’ve only got one side of the story she practically has a £1000 a month

whilst 120k sounds an enormous amount 40% will disappear in pension and deductions
and what’s left is paying for 90% off the household costs for 4 people

Not financial abuse. Financial abuse if she had to give all her wages to DH.

Having £1000 to herself is quite a lot, considering no bills are to be paid out of that. I don't spend a grand a month on my kids either, so unsure why she's running out of money?

Sounds to me, she's possibly overspending and doesn't want her DH to know she's spending over £1000 on seemingly nothing a month hence why not asking him.
In regard to her not knowing about his savings, she knows his income amount. DH could possibly be secretive about savings if she's not very good at managing money?

Why is she running out of 1k per month on wants/fun stuff. Should be easy to cut back on unnecessary spending there and not have to ‘take’ from others 🤔 why isn’t she just waiting until pay day anyway?

I think it’s a problem that she doesn’t know how much is saved, and it seems that he thinks these savings are ‘his’ - will he help kids with college expenses, accommodation, if they need a new laptop? What if they can’t get a uni grant because dad earns X amount, but they’re not actually allowed any of it?

It’s odd, but I don’t think it’s financially abusive. He is laying all the bills, rent and food - whereas your friend contributes nothing towards that.

having said that, it depends how much fun money they both have as to how reasonable it is…

I think £1k disposable income is a lot (I have about half of that after my contribution to household bills and I also buy things for DC). The secrecy is weird though.

That’s a reach, nowhere have we been told that her working part time- with teenage children- was a joint decision or one he is happy with.

I can’t just decide tomorrow that actually until our kids are 20 I’m only going to work part time and expect my husband to pay for everything until I decide I want to work full time again.

Having all the savings in his name when he is a higher rate tax payer is not smart.

How do we know he has savings?

To me, there is 'work to be done' in families with children. Some of this work is paid, some is not paid. But it still needs to happen.
He would not be earning what he earns today if he had had to be available for the over the kids years.

She has done her best. She has done pretty much everything for the kids. How much would that have cost if they had needed childcare or nannies etc? Hundreds of thousands probably.

So the money is not 'his'. It all of theirs, as a family.

He is controlling and secretive. Why? What is the point? How can he 'give' her money? It's not in his gift ti give her money. It should be shared and they should be fully transparent with each other. They are married. She is not his flatmate! What happened to 'all that I have I share with you' etc etc?

Has she asked for your help or expressed distress?

We don’t, but on a salary of 120k and his wife’s part time salary I would hope some is being saved!

This, financial abuse is one of the reason we now have free sanitary goods in public toilets for women who have money withheld so can't buy any.
Your friend working 12hrs a week, all bills paid and 1k of fun a month is not abuse and absolutely an insult to those who are being abused.

He would not be earning what he earns today if he had had to be available for the over the kids years.

This old chestnut again. He probably wouldn’t have had the kids.

You’re not wrong about work to be done OP but the key point is it HAS to be mutually agreed. Again I go back to I cannot just decide tomorrow that I’ll just work part time for 20 years and expect my husband to foot the bill for everything. She has teenage kids, she can absolutely work full time.

She has absolutely everything paid for her, everything, and has all of her own wages, £1000 a month, to spend on whatever.

That is not financial abuse.

You say he won't tell her, but you also say she can't ask him. Which is it ? Is she scared to ask him? Has she asked him and he has refused to answer?

I’d hope so too but it can’t be a given nowadays.

The marriage sounds a bit shit to be honest. Can’t ask each other about finances, his lack of interest in the kids.

Look, I rarely jump the to defence of one spouse but if she is waxing over £1k a month when she has no outgoings such as mortgage, bills etc, then maybe she is shit with money and he doesn’t trust her with it?

But honestly she needs to grow up and have an open conversation and he needs to grow up and be better dad.

why can’t she talk to him about money and savings?
why can’t she work more?

He did agree to her being a SAHM. Otherwise, they would have to have paid thousands in childcare wouldn't they? He is too stingy to pay for that.

She is not happy. It is quite clear she often has no money. She often has to take money from her family - who have a lot less than her husband!

Who knows how much he has or doesn't have? The point is - he won't tell her! Why? I couldn't be doing with that for even a minute.,

I don’t think that’s financial abuse. On paper he looks like an incredibly high earner, but actually a massive chunk is going to the tax payer. And in that he pays for the mortgage, bills, and food, so basically everything. You don’t say where you are but in the south that’s going to be tight financially. Comfortable but tight.

Being able to work very part time is a luxury in today’s climate. And although she’s not earning a lot she gets to keep every penny she earns without contributing to the mortgage or bills. He’s covering food which is obviously the biggest week by week outgoing, so what she is spending the extra £1000 on?

You also don’t say how old the teenagers are. Most teens with work ethic installed in them are desperate to get jobs as soon as they are able. They also generally don’t need their mum there as they can back from school unless they have additional needs.

I expect her husband may not have as much money stashed away as she thinks.