This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

Why are you so deeply involved in this family's financial affairs? you honestly don't really know what their setup is, only what you've been told.

Its also BS to say he wouldn't have got to that level without her being at home. I was earning more than the husband is and my DH was also working full time, we have two kids as well. We managed just fine.

Unless it's actually you OP?

Has she actually outright asked him OP? And he has said ‘No’? And what did she say? Has she asked him to be a less shit dad?

Are you someone she’s borrowed money from and you’re trying to convince yourself you’ve not had the piss taken out of you?

What does she think would happen if she said she needed money to buy the kids shoes, coats, pay for a school trip (or whatever she's borrowing money from friends or family to pay)? If she asked for more information about the family finances, perhaps showing the things her salary is covering? He might be abusive, he might just be bumbling along thinking everything is fine.

Why is she taking money from family? For what? I don’t get it. All household bills and the mortgage is taken care of. Food is taken care of. She has her own albeit low income but has the option to work more and double this.

I am assuming there are things she is not telling you. Is the relationship on the rocks and she’s panicking?

I’d find that weird too. Why don’t they have a joint account? She should know where all savings are and have access. Not being able to ask is massive red flags. What does she think will happen if she does?

This kind of thread makes me honestly feel very confused about expectations from some people. Full time worker must give all money to their part time working partner to fritter away, or they are abusive, are those your genuine thoughts?At what stage does the person who can't be arsed to work get to take any responsibility for their own costs and reluctance to contribute to the family pot? £1600 for 4 people for food and minor spend items per month isn't enough? We are 3, I just did an Ocado shop for £350 that will last 3 weeks for all food, toiletries etc; £600 really should be covering a fair chunk. Teens and she can't manage even 30 hours per week, WTF?

Genuinely not getting it AT ALL. Removing someone's ability to spend their own earnings, preventing them from working, those things are financial abuse. Running up debt with friends when you have £1600 pcm and only need to buy food though, it sounds like it's her behaviour that is financially abusive in this case, because she's causing financial strife through reckless overspending.

We don't know the size off his outgoings- maybe they've got a £3k mortgage plus all bills and the £640 a month food money - this could easily be £4750 a month-

He may well be coming out with £6 to £7k a month after tax and pension etc - so possibly himself only has maybe £1500 - obviously if they've got a £1.2k a month mortgage he's got a lot more to himself than she has -

I would just ask for a bit if transparency so she knows the numbers- I don't think this is remotely abuse

Agreeing to be a SAHM when you have toddlers to avoid paying £1000’s in nursery is one thing, agreeing to stay SAHM with teenagers who would cost £0 in childcare though? Very different.

Also, it has still cost him thousands as he’s been paying 100% of all bills. And if they are teens then for years now there would have been either no or very minimal childcare costs, so again, it hasn’t been free for him in any way.

If she’s running out of money with £1000, all bills paid, she needs to look at her spending because what on earth is she buying.

Why is she borrowing money?

If your friend isn't willing to address anything then I'm not sure why you are getting so riled up on her behalf?
She sounds like she is in a really great position to have 1000 to herself - all bills including food is paid for. What is she spending on that she needs to borrow from people?

Maybe he doesn't have much stashed - but why the secrecy? Thst is the financial abuse. Why the control?

When I ask her why she feels she can't ask him how much he has in savings, she just kind of looks like a rabbit in the headlights and doesn't really answer the question.

She has had to take money from elderly pensioners in her family. That's how bad it has. When her husband earns over £100k. Actually he might earn £200k or more these days - that's another thing, he won't tell her! £120k is a guess based on something she saw years ago when they moved house.

On the face of it though, I'd be wondering what my partner was spending £1000 a month on if I was paying all of the bills and shopping, other than bits for the teenage kids.

So maybe he has concerns that she is crap with money and therefore, he is actually protecting the family finances.

You are very involved in the family finances but only have her side of the story.

I think from the information you have given it doesn't sound like financial abuse

He won't tell her or she won't ask?

Same thoughts!! You/she didn't have a post recently about being "nearly skint' with a spendy op and saver DH?....

She feels she can't ask. I don't really get it.

She hasn’t actually asked him though. She didn’t answer your question? Sorry OP, there’s more to this than you’re being told. All sounds weird to me. I reckon she has a spending problem.

How on earth can she / they be financial planning for the future / kids if she doesn't ask him about these things. Is there physical dv involved OP? The fact she seems scared to ask him would suggest there's some amount of of physical or verbal abuse that hurled at her when she has done so in the past? She can't continue like this. Does she know where she stands if he dies ? Will leaves everything to her ? House half in her name or not.? How much mortgage etc. She needs to know!

She has had to take money from elderly pensioners in her family.
Rather than cut back on her 1k monthly fun spends.... sounds a peach!

Why is she taking money from “pensioners” in the family?!? I don’t get it. She has far far more money than probably 90% of people on here as disposable income. She has zero outgoings. Has she got issues with gambling or something she’s not telling you because what you are saying is really not adding up.

If she is paying all the kids extras, clubs ,clothes , travel costs and whatever £1000 would get eaten up quickly. I also imagine she's doing extra food shopping that money because £150 between 4 if them if they eat meat etc won't cover it all for some weeks. Also petrol etc.

Sounds like she got a spending problem she doesn't want him to know about. Whether that be gambling/shopping/whatever.

She shouldn't be taking money off elderly relatives though when she's only working part time. That's out of order and it seems easier for you to blame the DH than think she might not be telling you the whole truth. Addicts can be very manipulative.

This is NOT financial abuse OP. Again, an insult to those who are being financially abused.

Maybe the control is because she’s managing to waste £1000 a month on sweet fuck all while having all bills paid for her and working part time with teenagers, so giving her free reign of all the money would have them bankrupt within a week?

She didn’t HAVE to take any money from anyone. She has more than enough money each month, £1000 disposable income with every single bill paid for her is more than probably 90% of working families.

Honestly, this surely has to be a wind up thread. There are women who are forced to stay at home, stopped from working, who don’t have enough money to buy period pads, due to financial abuse. Your “friend” is living the life of Riley and I’m assuming has a passion for Gucci bags to be running out of bliddy money

I understand working around school hours (though for teens it seems quite unnecessary), but why two whole days off in addition? If she worked five days a week she wouldn’t need to borrow. Seems like the financial abuse of her old relatives to be honest.

It’s not financial abuse. She could work more if she wanted to but she would rather take money from her parents which is terrible. £1k of disposable cash a month I would say is a lot. She could ask her husband about money but she won’t. I don’t know what my husband has in savings but I am financially independent as I earn the money I need so I don’t need to know and he provides for everything. I am not being financially abused.