This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

No, OP’s £1000 wages plus £600 for food shopping is

So her husband pays for everything, she keeps all her money to herself and you think it’s financial abuse because she buys a few bits for her own kids from her money? No.

The only concerning bit is that she doesn’t know about savings.

Have you considered she may not be very good at managing money and if she k re where the savings were she’d spend them? The idea that a £150 shopping budget doesn’t stretch and she spends over £1000 on bits kind of makes me suspicious.

Yes, out if this £1000, she pays for phone contracts for her and the 2 teens, pretty much all clothes - everything.

To give a snippet of what he's like - if he puts petrol in the car, he will only put in what he needs.

He knows her family gave her money and he doesn't care.

The DH gives her £150 a week for food bill.
So she earns 12000 and gets a further 600 from her DH

£600 which pays for food for all of them ?

Please just be honest about this because it all sounds like a lie or a wind up.

Shes not a spendaholic but she claims to spend £1000 a month on activities and clothes for her teenagers.

She’s borrowed money off elderly relatives when she actually has zero essential outgoings as they are covered by her husband.

Shes “scared” of asking her husband about money but she cannot tell you why.

She could easily double her earning potential by working full time but is apparently unable or unwilling to do this.

She’s having you on.

You are assuming she's afraid of him, you don't acrutally know that is the reason she won't ask. If a friend of mine said she'd taken money from elderly pensions (who aren't self funded and have a good income) for non essentials I wouldn't be feeling sorry for them I'd be wondering why they think it's ok to ask someone who doesn't have a decent income for money on non essentials. This fact makes me think her spending could be the issue here.

Right, so even 3 top of the range iPhones with EE are £70 a month contracts. So that still leaves £790.

Nobody needs a full new wardrobe every month but even if you said the kids needed a new coat, t shirt, shoes every month, and she did, that’s still not £790.

Plenty of people feed a family of 4 on 600 a month

Exactly.

It’s very obvious that it’s the spending that is the issue here, £1000 a month for non-essentials is genuinely more than probably 90% of people have. The fact OP is trying to claim this is financial abuse honestly has to be some kind of joke.

He doesn't give her £150 for food. He does a food shop and buys what he thinks they should have. Much of the time, the kids won't eat what he's bought or it goes off or something, so she has to buy extras and top ups. When she does the food shopping she has to keep to £150. She has to go round with the scanner thing so she adds it up as she goes. Then she gets the inquisition from him about why did she buy this and not that. She's told me all this countless times.

I have a premium phone and an expensive contract that costs me £60 a month. I’m assuming she’s not paying for premium phones and top tier contracts for herself and her teenagers. But even if she was, that would be £180/month. So over £800 disposable income remaining. More than 90% of people. She’s having you on!!!!

I think your friend is at fault taking money from impecunious elderly relatives to pay for activities for 2 teenagers.
£1000 a month is loads. Maybe the teenagers need to get jobs and save for their own clothes if they want expensive items.
Maybe her husband knows how bad she is with money and that's why he's not keen to share finances.

£1,000 a month spending money and she thinks she's being financially abused 🤔

How long have you known her for OP?

I'm surprised that if you're long term friends and she's given you this much information about her life she won't tell you why she's frightened to ask her DH for more money.

What’s wrong with sticking to a budget?

I cannot abide stingy men, but given this is entrenched and this is not a marriage in which there's open communication, there are only a few choices here...

*Continue working part time to be with her teens and survive on £1,000 per month.

*Go to work full-time, because whilst she's married to a high-earning man, she's not married to a generous one.

*Presumably she enjoys being married and enjoy the rest of the lifestyle he offers, so sye can quietly enjoy living in that environment, knowing it doesn't get better than this.

*Leave him and set up a life of her own, and she can make that something she comfortable in. Hopefully she gets a fair settlement.

*Stay and take comfort in the fact that though she doesn't get to enjoy her husband's 'wealth ' in the manner she likes, it may some day all belong to her children.

I don't agree he's being financially abusive. Your friend has choices.

Exactly this.

If we were on a budget for food shopping and my husband came home with 4 steaks instead of 4 chicken breasts, or with Heinz beans instead of Aldi, Pringles instead of Aldi own etc then of course I’d question why he’d bought one instead of the other when we are sticking to a budget.

That’s just life with a budget, it’s not financial abuse.

OP - does she pay you and others back in full?

How do you know all of this in such minute detail?

@catstaff47 you stated earlier that he gave her £150 per week for the food shop, but now you are saying he does the food shop. So which is it?
This thread is quite the drip feed…

I don't know why she can't ask her DH for financial transparency. I don't understand it. It's goes, I suppose. He is not violent or anything, but he's very controlling / towards her. To anyone else, he's just done ordinary bloke and they wouid just laugh at him. But for her, this is the dynamic she appears to be in.

OP - does she pay you and others back in full?

If she wanted to get divorced - she could not.