This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

No this is not about me. If it was, I would post that.
The reason I am asking is because she never has money to pay for anything eg. if we're out for lunch. Anything really. I feel as if the onus is nearly always on me. Plus I know she has run out of money and had to have handouts from family. Fine if she was a single mum on MW. But she is not! She lives in a house worth about £1m in the SE. Yet she can't ask her husband for money. Anyway, she shouldn't even have to ask him. It's hers anyway as they are married.

Who pays for things like kids uniforms, bus passes, school lunches, trips, extra curricular activities, birthdays, kids clothes and shoes? And more general family stuff like running her car ( if they have 2 cars), fuel, servicing, holidays etc?

If most of the above have to come out if her £1000, that might take a fair chunk of that some months. If he's covering those things as part of 'bills' and the £1000 is purely hers to spend on herself, then if she's ok with it, that's just the way they choose to live.

You say she won't ask him for money, why not? What would happen if she did, or if she asked him to sit down and talk frankly about their finances? If she's too scared to ask because she's scared of his reaction then that's a whole different situation.

Then she has a budgeting issue as many families have far less than £1k a month to fritter on clothes and hobbies and they still manage without borrowing off elderly relatives!

I out earn my husband. He took the easy life. Good for him. I love him, he’s happy. I’m happy.

no way am I sharing finances. I work hard, I take the pressure, the risk, the inconvenience. He doesn’t. He could. He values simplicity over financial gain. His choice

He has no idea about bills or savings. His choice. Fine by me but don’t question what I’m doing when I pay for it.

if he runs out of money that’s on him. He could earn more. He chooses not to. I don’t ask. He doesn’t tell. Not my problem. I’m not supplementing him. I pick up the slack on household and kid expenses.

i’’m not financially abusing him. He’s made his choices. I’ve made mine.

We are a family of 5 with pets and £150 covers the shopping most weeks. Occasionally when washing powder and cleaning products run out at the same time it may be more but generally its enough. We may go over if we buy extra treats or take away

She only doesn’t have money because she’s wasting it, so she’s taking you and her family for a mug. She has £1000 to spend on these lunches.

If her house is £1m on his 120k salary then their mortgage payments could easily be £4000-5000 a month, so actually he has fuck all as well.

And finally, it’s not “hers anyway as they are married”. That’s not how it works. Marriage doesn’t mean his wages are hers to spend, it just means if they divorce she gets a share.

She has to basically pay for most of the kids clothes and day to day expenses out of this £1000. She paid for all their activities, tutors , you name it. Occasionally, the Lord Almighty DH will deign to give his kids £100 for some clothes or something - all hail!

It’s not how I’d choose to live, but as someone with £300 a month to live on (fun funds) I think she’ll do just fine on a grand!!!

Does she pay you back in full every single time?

If not I think you’re being had. Sorry. If she can’t bear to even explain to you why she can’t ask him, I think she’s dodgy.

The reason I am asking is because she never has money to pay for anything eg. if we're out for lunch.

She has £1000 a month to pay for whatever she wants to pay for
She just doesn't want to spend it on you.

Maybe she does have a habit where she's no good with money and her DH knows and refuses to give her free rein of his hard earned money to waste.

But she isn’t communicating with him!!! You’re making him out to be something you don’t know he is unless she talks to him.

He sounds like a crap dad and a crap husband but if she won’t even ask him or explain to you why she won’t ask him either there is worse abuse at play or the whole thing is pointless.

Well you obviously don't like him but still not financial abuse. You have no idea if he is refusing to pay for necessary things or if she is buying unnecessary things. So tutors for what? Was it discussed, was it necessary , was it a bill he could not afford on top of all the other bills

You are being taken for a mug OP. It's very obvious. She's got a nice little circle of suckers supplementing her millionaire lifestyle whilst thinking her DH is the devil incarnate.

Bet he'd be thrilled to know he's being maligned whilst paying all the bills!

@catstaff47 is this your daughter ?

The reason she can't ask him is she must be scared of him. She doesn't say this in so many words - but what else could it be?

She is definitely not a spendsholic. It's nothing like that.

Clothes AND fun spends and only £1k a month?! Heavens to Betsy the poor woman!!
All those lunches out funded by friends and donations from elderly relatives?
It's a hard knock life indeed!

No it's not my daughter.

Why does she have too? What is she paying with that £1000 a month? Is she covering phone contract/s, fuel, car costs? Because on the face of it that's a fairly large amount of discretionary spending. Maybe she needs to budget better. If she's not needing to pay any bills or mortgage out of that amount than she has no right asking a pensioner for money. Ths secrecy thing is a bit strange, but it's not financial abuse in and of itself.

The Lord Almighty indeed paying potentially £5k a month for their £1million house, yes.

Spoiler alert- It’s because she frittering £1000 a month while he funds their families home, bills and food.

shes probably more embarrassed that she’s managed to blow £1000 in a month.

The “kids” are teenagers. How old are they? And what activities are they doing that cost hundreds to a thousand pounds per month? What clothes is she buying for teenagers that uses up £1000? I smell an absolute rat here. She’s having you on and covering for a bigger issue here 100%.

@catstaff47 I think this isa different issue actually- I think she's frightened of him and hence can't have a straightforward conversation that she needs to have to understand the numbers. Why is she frightened? I would be concerned about that

£12000 a year isn’t £1600 a month.

So who is it? Whoever it is, they’re having you on